Coffee heat rising

Was Dorothy Parker prescient?

Remember this Dorothy Parker poem?

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

The title is, hilariously enough, “Résumé.”

Tell me she didn’t foresee the joys of entering résumé details into online job application forms.
😀

Well, yesterday afternoon I learned another way to get quick access to medical care: say (or even just imply) that you’re considering offing yourself. I called to make an appointment with my favorite medico at the Mayo, by way of trying to wangle some antidepressants from the guy. I’m wrecking my jaw and hearing with the tooth-clenching, which has returned with a vengeance; some sites say antidepressants sometimes will cause that quirk to back off. To get in to a Mayo doctor, you have to wriggle past a gatekeeper with the melodramatic title of “triage nurse.”

So I’m explaining the situation and trying to persuade her that the stress level is such that I do need to see my doctor. She asks me if I’ve been considering suicide, and without thinking I answer that the thought has crossed my mind (which indeed it has: sure would resolve a lot of problems!).

Hee hee! Freaked her right out. So now I have an appointment this afternoon. This, despite my having reassured her that I was not serious. Maybe I could’ve gotten in yesterday afternoon if I’d remarked in passing that the birds were mightycute out there on the window ledge.

5 thoughts on “Was Dorothy Parker prescient?”

  1. Be a bit wary if he offers Lexapro as an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant.

    It’s a fine drug, I’m on it, but it caused rather extreme jaw tightening, especially in the first month I was on it. It’s listed on crazymeds as a quasi-rare side effect but why have to make another appointment (and possibly break teeth in the interim).

  2. She has in mind Zoloft. I’ve been around about this with my regular doc, who agrees the side effects are dramatic and to be avoided. However, she did produce an Rx for Lunesta, which supposedly will put you to sleep without causing you to get up in the middle of the night, climb into your car, and drive off in a somnambulistic state.

    And so, we go to the Lunesta site to read the package insert. And what do we find? One of the potential side effects of this drug is that you may get up and do things without being awake enough to realize you’re doing them. And, sez the manufacturer, “these aren’t all the side effects.”

    Moving on to a research site, (rxlist.com), we learn that 21% of nonelderly patients and 15% of elderly patients experienced headache at the low-end recommended dosage; 3% of the relatively younger patients experienced vomiting, anxiety, rashes, viral infections, 5% enjoyed such phenomena as dry mouth, nausea, dizziness, nervousness, 4% depression… Boyoboy. I really need to be more depressed than I already am. And how I love throwing up, especially on my dean’s shoes…

    Why does anyone take ANY of these drugs? I think I’d rather be awake at three in the morning, thank you!

  3. Okay, I don’t mean to be alarmist, which this will almost certainly come off sounding. But…

    A lot of truths are said in jest.

    Obviously, you’re having a hard time and you’re not seriously contemplating suicide. (Which is good, in case you’re wondering!) But the fact that it even crossed your mind momentarily and enough for you to answer yes…

    That may just be more telling than you realize.

    Yes, yes. I know we all joke. But as someone who’s depressive, I gotta tell you, this post startled me. I think you should actually ask yourself a little bit more about why the thought even occurred to you. Chances are, you think it would to anyone in your situation. But I just don’t think that’s true.

    Anyway, now that I’ve come off as one of those overly-therapied folks who’s constantly reading into things… I am glad it got you into the clinic. But I would consider, if your benefits so allow, talking to a psychologist.

    Even if you’re not depressed, you’re going through a big, scary transition and a little guidance and support can be a wonderful thing. I’ve had therapists not only get me to deal with destructive behavior, but also help me realize options that I would never have considered in life. (For example, I was going to just use my money to pay off my student loans after college. Following my therapist’s advice, I reconsidered and invested in a rooming house for a few years.)

    Either way, I’m glad you’ve got an appointment. As for Lexapro, I didn’t have any jaw-tightening.

  4. If you’re looking for something to help you sleep with relatively little side effect, ask about Trazedone. It’s an antidepressant but it makes people too sleepy to be administered as one. However, this means it’s non-habit-forming. A friend of my mom’s has been taking it for years, as needed, because of chronic insomnia.

    Technically, any drug is going to list terrible side effects. I would suggest you look up any med that you’ve taken without incident. My bet is that there are side effects just as scary that are listed for that. It’s not that I’m against people having all the info for these meds. That’s good. But I think an unnecessary number of people get scared off by the relatively remote chance that, for a couple days, they’ll feel dizzy or have a dry mouth.

    That said, jaw clenching is a pretty bad symptom of stress. Perhaps you should consider taking something for anxiety? I know very little about that side of things, but I know there are antidepressants that target that sort of thing.

    Sorry, I don’t mean to hawk medication. I remember how reluctant I was to go on meds, especially because of potential side effects. But I’ve had to be on an awful lot of meds over the last decade or so (most of them antidepressants) and have had almost none of the side effects actually occur. In one case, I had severe sleeplessness for the first two days, so I was switched off of extended-release and it cleared up immediately. In another, I had a very bad dry mouth, so I took up gum chewing until my body got used to the medication.

    It’s never fun to consider putting chemicals in your body. I get that. But given the damage you’re probably doing to your teeth and apparently hearing (and the risk you’re running for TMJ-related pain) you may want to just research a few different areas of drugs and then ask your doc what has the least chance of giving you weird or unpleasant side effects.

    I don’t know if this would work for “regular” people, by the way, but Tim just started Adderall for his severe ADD. He is a lot more calm and focused. Usually, he’s agitated, fidgety, constantly on the move and unable to focus. As of yesterday (his first day) he felt more centered and said there wasn’t a big stream of other thoughts rushing around while he was trying to focus on a conversation. Again, I don’t know what effect that med would have on someone without ADD, but you might want to check it out.

    I generally feel more comfortable going with the meds that have been around longer and so side effects (and long-term ones) are better known.

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