3 Cast of Characters

Who are all these people, anyway? Here’s a list of the dramatis personae:

Anna H. Banana
An aged German shepherd, deceased mid-2008

Bartleby
My secretary, mercifully now former

La Bethulia
Partner to La Maya; a psychiatric professional

Biker Boob
The tattooed fright who lives next door to Pretty Daughter (see below); given to allowing his unmuffled vehicles to idle in the driveway for ten to twenty minutes before blasting off at high volume

Bobbie McGee
A hard-looking character who waits tables at the restaurant of the same name. Lives with Biker Boob.

Carlos the Knife
One of my most interesting neighbors: in his dotage, he occasionally takes after his 88-year-old wife (Inez) and his adult daughters with the kitchen cutlery.

Cassie
A Corgi, late a resident of the dog pound

The Copyeditor’s Desk
Funny about Money’s other incarnation

Dave
The affable neighbor across the street, proprietor of Dave’s Used Car Lot, Marina, and Weed Arboretum; now also former

Ex-DH
My former husband of twenty years, a corporate lawyer

Her Deanship
My immediate boss

Inez
An extraordinary and beautiful old woman who lives across the street from me. Now and again she shows up at my front door seeking shelter from her addled husband, Carlos the Knife, who amuses himself by chasing family members around, kitchen cutlery in hand.

La Maya
A colleague at the Great Desert University who happens to live around the corner from me

M’hijito
My son, a thirtyish refugee from San Francisco’s dot-com bust, now stuck in the lowlands of the Sonoran Desert

Mr. B***
A crazed neighbor and former rental property emperor; a.k.a. The Perp, who threw about three gallons of used motor oil over the back wall into my swimming pool

OBE
Our Beloved Employer, a sobriquet for The Great Desert University

Other Daughter
One of Mr. B***’s daughters, living two doors down from me, on disability because of her mental illness. She is married to the schizophrenic Son-in-Law, who also lives on disability and whose antics sometimes bring squad cars full of cops and sometimes bring vans full of social service workers. Depends on the phase of the moon, I guess.

Pretty Daughter
Mr. B***’s professed favorite daughter, who lives catty-corner across the street from me with her two kids, both just bursting into their teens

The Kid
A talented, bright, incredibly well organized, and hard-working young woman who serves as my associate editor at the Great Desert University. AKA Tina (below)

The Perp

Mr. B*** (see above)

The Raven
President of the Great Desert University, admired in some quarters and abominated in others

Satan and Proserpine
Former owners of my present abode. Inveterate do-it-yourselfers, these worthies left the house with cosmetically attractive improvements hiding a maze of not-to-code lash-ups, lied blithely to cover up the results of their DIY efforts, and ripped off the waterfall showerhead before they left. It took two licensed electricians six hours of steady work to make the wiring in the house safe. That was just the beginning…

SDXB
Semi-Demi-Exboyfriend, now Sun City’s most athletic citizen

The Son-in-Law
Other Daughter’s husband, a paranoid schizophrenic she brought home after a lengthy absence; occasionally goes off his meds and creates some neighborhood drama

Tina
My associate editor and business partner in a side venture

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Mrs. Accountability January 9, 2009 at 8:40 am

Hilarious! Never read this part of your blog before, although I was captivated by 1-6 and became a subscriber after that.

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Diane January 23, 2009 at 8:21 am

This is sooo hilarious – not sure what id it’s giving you for me, but I think “Di Eats the Elephant” at http://luvs2zumba.blogspot.com should be the one to watch…my alter-ego (trying to make $8M in 5 years) is involved with a wordpress blog group related to 7m7y.com blog started by a mysterious Australian bloke named AJC. He takes off the shades and the hat for some interesting weekly interactive videos. Then we call him Adrian.

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jestjack January 31, 2013 at 9:32 am

Though the blog is nice and you have the “gift” for writing…..based on your “cast of character” breakdown your life has REALITY TV SHOW written all over it!!! Seriously if there is a following for a bunch of gals complaining about bridesmaids dresses on cable, there certainly is room for a smart educated gal who has decided to make “lemonade out of the lemons” in her life. I’d give it some thought….

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