Funny about Money

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. ―Edmund Burke

The Palace of Impulse Buys

So  I get downtown  to meet a friend, along about 9:30 this a.m., only to learn that our date is tomorrow, not today. Oh well.

This is good, in two ways:

First, it frees up a day in which to do a few things of my own (as well as rising to the the Newest Client’s task…later, not right this minute), and since a Costco is on my way home, it invites me to fill the gas tank and then run inside and pick up a few things you can’t get anywhere else.

Of course, I hadn’t brought the shopping list, but I could remember enough to create a little mnemonic. POTC:

olive oil

Sounds so simple, doesn’t it?

Well, but…no. This is, after all, Costco, the Home of the Impulse Buy.

One of the things I’ve been needing is a new memory chip for my digital camera. Or…possibly a new digital camera. Costco has a chip that a sales dude promises is the real thing, and they’ll even take a gigantic Man’s Xacto Knife and break into the damned consumer-proof package for me. Grab.

Hey. At least I didn’t buy a camera.

I didn’t even buy a new external hard drive for a mere $80, knowing I could get one on Amazon for an even merer $60.

Whilst strolling behind the grocery cart, I recall that I wish I’d had a package of those glorious scalloped potatoes to nourish the ailing body, SO good, the ultimate comfort food. Grab.

Walking toward the scalloped potato counter, I have to pass by the meat cooler. There, calling out “come to me, come to meeeee” like some Broadway fish from South Pacific is a magnificent package of eminently fresh, fantastically luxurious, wild-caught ahi tuna. Oh God! Grab.

Into the produce department. Having a hard time finding the Campari tomatoes, which they’ve hidden away on the far side of the displays. But n-o-o-o problem finding the spectacular candy-sweet seedless red grapes (grab!), the package of six breakfast-eligible golden mangoes (grab!), the double-packet of smoked wild-caught salmon (grab!).

Moving on:

Obtain the olive oil, grab; resist blandishments in that aisle.

Find the pecans; grab. Realize I’m almost out of pine nuts, which of late I’ve taken to spilling all over everything (grab!). And by the way, I ran out of pistachios (grab!).

And…and…wtf is that??? IS it what it appears to be? Oh yes: Glorias: a pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans in an astonishing shade of lavender. Holeeee sh!t. Costco hasn’t carried Glorias in colors for lo these many years! GRAB!

By the way, as long as we’re talking vanity and grooming, I need a bottle of Pantene shampoo. Do they have the regular white creamy Pantene? Well. No. They have a pricey-looking lifetime supply of a “Botanical” version of Pantene. It’s clear. That’s kind of cool. Stinks a bit, but Pantene has taken to overperfuming its traditional products, anyway. Pause, ever so briefly… Grab.

By the time I got out the door, I’d racked up a bill of $199 and change, thereby lending some truth to the maxim that you can’t get out of Costco for under $200.

It’s true. So, so true…

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Author: funny

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  1. At Costco the book aisle is my kryptonite. Many years ago, Costco brought out a complete line of classical piano music books. Each book used an established edition of engraved plates from a Budapest publisher. Books that used those plates typically run $40-$60.

    The Costco price; $4.39 each. I loaded up as many as I could, but to this day I always check the book department to see if they have come back. No luck. Costco give the and Costco take the away.

    • Yah… A couple months ago, a Costco employee actually opined, unprompted by Your Paranoid Blogger, that Costco KNOWS what you most like and immediately takes it off the shelf! 🙂

  2. Whenever I read one of your Costco pieces, it makes me wish that chain would come to Arkansas. Lavender Gloria Vanderbilt jeans? I’d settle for traditional good quality jeans at a reasonable price.

    • You can get Glorias on Amazon. Look for the “Amanda” line, which fits up around your waistline, or the “Bridget” line, which has a slimmer leg and is lower-cut. Some of them have stretchy fabric, too, which really helps with fitting.

      But be aware that they’re made in every Third-World country on the planet. Quality control is poor — often you’ll bet a pair with legs that don’t match. So be prepared to send them back and demand a pair that’s made right. But in general, Gloria Vanderbilt jeans do fit, and they do tend to run pretty close to size.

  3. Costco definitely has that allure and the ability to suck the money right out of your account. All that….stuff!

    • It’s a “stuff” emporium! The thing that makes it even more seductive is that most of the “stuff” is stuff you actually can use, and so you don’t feel so guilty grabbing it off the shelf.