Coffee heat rising

Gone Good Ole Days

You know you’re too old when the “Good Old Days” appear, in your mind, to be infinitely better than the BS we encounter nowadays.

Example at hand: Today my son is dragging me out to the Mayo Clinic for some sort of annoying consultation with one of their quacks. Nothing was said to me about this until THIS MORNING. So now I have to clean myself up and get dressed and figure out what on EARTH to say to the quack of the day (no two are ever the same out there). I have no idea why this appointment was made, and exactly no desire to waste a third to half the day driving halfway to Timbuktu, sitting around their waiting room, mumbling on to some doctor who neither knows nor cares what (if anything) ails me, and then trudging all the way back across the Valley to get home.

In the “Good Old Days,” the Mayo Clinic was right up the road from our neighborhood. It was a ten-minute drive to get to their parking lot, and a five-minute stroll into the building. Now we have to traipse to east Scottsdale for a consult.

The doctors there weren’t a lot less patronizing than the ones we now encounter on the far east side of Scottsdale. But my good old “Doctor in the Wild” (as the Mayo set calls doctors who work elsewhere) has moved to Sun City, of all things. So he’s lost me. Because…

a) Sun City is halfway to California from here. If I have to drive an hour each way, it’s gonna be…yeah…to a Mayo doctor, not to some guy practicing “in the wild.”

b) My son thinks the Mayo quacks can do no wrong. So…whatever they say — no matter how far out in left field — elicits no argument from his precincts. That…I suppose…is a good thing.

c) And in my (horrific!!!) experience, doctors who practice in Sun City can do no right.

The horror show that visited my mother when my parents’ bastardly, incompetent Sun City doctors attended her through her (hypochondriacal, we were told) death throes….oh, my! I wouldn’t go near another doctor who practices out there: not even the beloved Young Dr. Kildare.

At any rate: back to the Mayo. I cannot think of anything I’d LESS rather do than traipse all the way across the Valley (a 45-minute drive each way) to sit there and try to communicate with a doctor who assumes I’m a nit-wit.

Seriously: any which way you turn, it’s damned hard to find a doctor who is

a) competent;
b) humane;
c) not patronizing;
d) willing to pay attention to you;
e) can actually hear what you say;
f) and practices within reasonable driving distance of where you live.

And these are the reasons I’ve learned to loathe going to doctors. They don’t like women; they don’t like educated women; and they especially don’t like older women.

Escape from Saudi Arabia!

Did Angie Pangia and her doctor boyfriend tell my father that I had a mental problem and so needed to be removed from Saudi Arabia (where we had lived for the prior nine years) and brought back to the States to go to school?  More to the point: did they tell him my mother had amoebic dysentery and had to be treated for it in a Stateside hospital?

I think most likely the latter…he wouldn’t have given a damn that I was a weird, depressed little kid. But he sure wouldn’t have wanted his wife to die.

Angie, a registered nurse working in Aramco‘s Ras Tanura clinic, was one of my mother’s dearest friends. She surely would have known that my mother direly wanted and needed to return to the States, and she would have known that my mother’s unhappy child was pretty much off the rails out there.

That I was miserable to the point of neurosis wouldn’t have mattered to my father. But that my mother’s health and possibly her life were threatened by a case of amoebic dysentery would have mattered very much.

And that would have been enough to spur him to send us home. My near-suicidal depression barely registered with him — if it registered at all. But my mother’s biological disease certainly did register.

On the other hand, it was entirely likely that my mother DID have a roaring case of amoebic dysentery, potentially fatal.

A neighbor in Ras Tanura had us over for a celebratory farewell dinner, a week or two before we were slated to fly out. This one was named Luella. I watched her prepare the salad, and saw that she opted soaking the cabbage leaves in Clorox — as all the wives were instructed to do in classes required by the Company.

Being a kid and not the brightest of all kids, I failed to tell my mother that Luella had failed to sanitize the cabbage before serving it up to the assembled company…  And that was a BIG mistake.

So my mother spent spent weeks in the company clinic before she was sent home to spend more weeks in a stateside hospital.

The treatment for amoebic dysentery was, at the time, incredibly fierce. It — or the disease itself — made her deathly sick, indeed…and, I gather, could even have killed her. But then…the infection itself could have done her in.

Yes: my mother almost died just because a stupid woman couldn’t be bothered to sanitize the salad greens adequately.

At any rate, would my father have sent us home because my little peers’ meanness was driving me bonkers? Probably not. But my mother’s near-death experience did spur him to ship us back to California, whence we came.

A few months later, he arrived at the end of his Aramco contract and came back to the States to join us.

There he shipped out of the San Francisco Bay Area until he managed to retire, allowing himself, my mother, and (reluctantly) me to settle in lovely Arizona. He bought a house in Sun City, and there the two of them dwelt — free of the Brat, since young people were not allowed to live there. So it was off to the University of Arizona for me…allowing me to spend the next four years in Tucson.

Had a pretty good time there. Graduated Phi Beta Kappa. Got a job in a law firm and loafed for a spell before going on to graduate school.

Would I have settled in Southern California, given an opportunity? Probably not. I never liked it much. Smog is not my thing.

Instead I enrolled at Arizona State University and went on for the Ph.D., thereby rendering myself damn near unemployable. But….what the Hell…it was a good way to loaf away several years of youth, eh?

My father and mother stayed in Sun City: they loved it. Until her tobacco habit caught up with her and gifted her with a roaring case of cancer…. Shortly, she died.

He sold the cute little Sun City house and moved to an old-folkerie, where he met the Dragon Lady, whom he unfortunately married. Not given to divorce (“she’ll get all my MONEY!!”), he stayed with her until he dropped dead of a stroke: not the best way to wrap up the last few years of your life.

Poor guy. 

Oh, well…

Jumping on the Wagon!

Once again, as happens occasionally here at the Funny Farm, I take it into my head that I need to abjure alcohol. Once and for all. Onto the wagon, and don’t jump off!

😀

Seriously: my mother’s family were tee-totalers (far from what my parents were!). But come the next generation, she and my father enjoyed swiggling so much that they learned to make their own booze while we lived in Arabia (where alcohol was verboten), and then continued to brew their own after they moved to Sun City, Arizona.

Do I believe I drink too much?

Well…no, not of late. In the past, without doubt I have. But these days, I never drink more than one or two cocktails or glasses of wine in a day.

Now that I’m getting old, though, I’m thinking even that is too much. So, these days I’m do believe it’s time to knock it off altogether.

Let us see, then, if we who are the funny-looking human can make that happen!

Count: 1
Today is the first 100% booze-free day of the current effort!

Watch this space!

Yipes!!!!! Hotter than the Hubs…

Yesh. Hotter for sure than the Hubs of Hades. Just now — coming on to late in the afternoon — it’s A HUNDRED AND NINE DEGREES in the deepest shade of the north-facing back patio. 

Augh, I say to that. AUGHHH!

Sooo…Ruby and I are trapped in the house, at least until the sun goes down.

More likely, until it comes up tomorrow.

I’m totally wilted, and probably should take a nap. But it’s after 4:00 p.m.  If I flop down on the bed now, it’s likely to be midnight before I wake up. And then I’ll be awake for the rest of the night.

😀

Well. That might be a slight exaggeration. But the truth is, it’s pretty much too late for napping now.

So, I reckon the Human will loaf in front of the computer until something resembling bed-time. Then hope for a decent night’s sleep.

Do need to get Pool Dude over here to check on the workings of that contraption. But later. Much later. Tomorrow, for example…

My son dragged me out to the Mayo this morning. GAWD, do I ever hate going to doctors.

LOL! Then, to my astonishment, he took it upon himself to answer some of the doc’s questions and to try to describe my ongoing nuttiness. 😀 That poor doctor!  

Ohhh well. He now has no clue to an accurate report of what’s going on with me. But that seems not to matter. Either he realized that, or he didn’t think whatever my body is doing is very significant. Didn’t order any tests. Didn’t ask me to come back.

RUN!

AWAY!!

{chortle!}

Anyway, it was an annoying traipse, but I felt like I got away pretty much Scot-free. Hooooray!

And…now, at 4:00 in the afternoon, it’s 109 degrees out there in the back yard. Too hot even to jump in the pool!

No doubt, too, the pavement will be too hot for Ruby’s little paws, even after the sun goes down. It can stay unbearably hot here until well after 10 p.m.

So I guess today’s doggy-walk will have to wait until tomorrow morning, along about 5:00 a.m.

But whenever the sun goes down this evening, it’ll be into the drink for the human!

Update on Yesterday…

LOL!  It got stupider and stupider. I sweartagawd!

So today’s proposed old-lady babysitter never showed up. AWWWWWW!  What a shame!

She probably went to the neighborhood street labeled “Lane.” I’m on the street labeled “Way.”

Josie, the occupant of the “Lane” house, lives alone and dwells in fear. She will NOT open the door to anyone she doesn’t know. So if the wannabe babysitter went to her place, she rang the doorbell and…nothing happened.

Awwww….what a shame!

Welp, I ain’t about to do anything about it. Just gunna lay low. I do NOT like people lurking around underfoot — especially not strangers. If I need or want someone here to keep me company or fend off the sh!theads, I’ll call someone of my own choosing.

M’hijito dragged me out to the Mayo today. After some inspection, the doc didn’t seem to find anything drastically wrong. So with any luck, I should be free of further harassment from that quarter, at least for awhile.

The Mayo Clinic is on the freaking far side of the galaxy from our neighborhood: located, not surprisingly, in one of the Upper Richistans. So any time we have to visit our doctor(s) out there, we face one helluva drive. As for me, I’ll make one or two appointments a year, just to stay on their rolls. If you don’t show up, they drop you…and then when you do need a really first-rate doctor, you don’t have a snowball’s chance.

What a place we live in!

Let Us Try Again…

So…ahem!  What happens if we post another test entry? Or…what the hell: a WHOLE, REAL entry for Funny about Money???

Okay: testing, testing! 

****

Today we’re enjoying another Day from Hell. 

My poor son is so frustrated with me and so mad at me that he can barely manage to be civil. Yea verily, at times he can’t rise to that stratospheric height.

And I don’t blame him. Forgodsake, I can hardly remember my  name. I keep getting things confused. I keep fu*king things up. Everything I touch or even so much as think about goes KERFLOOIE!

And I’m starting to get really scared. Like, REALLY scared. 

Never before has the entire goddamn world gone bzzzzzzzz for me. Everything is confused. I can’t remember things. I lose things. I forget to pay bills. It’s a freaking ASTONISHING mess.

***

Wonder Cleaning Lady is here, wrestling with the pigpen. She’s a truly delightful and amazing person.

Honestly: at this point I don’t know what I’d do without her!

I  need to go to a grocery store, but dare not traipse through 100-degree heat on foot: eight or ten blocks each way. I probably could order something online…but in the past have discovered that is not a real successful way to get what you want.

Americans don’t eat a lot of fresh produce. When you order a delivery, you have to ask for packaged stuff: things that a person doesn’t have to pick out. Ask for fresh vegetables or fruit, and what you get is ick. Yeah: inedible ick.

So the only way I can get the kind of food I normally eat — largely fresh produce — is to go to the store and pick it out myself.

And…if I can’t do that, I’m in a pickle.

An inedible pickle!

Might ask her to drive me to a store…but that seems a little much. She’s spent hours cleaning this place….and now I want her to chauffeur me around?

Don’t think so….

WHOA!!!!! 

Lookee here! Sprouts opens at 7 a.m.!!!!

Holeee shee-ut! 

Even in the current weather, at that hour the air will be cool enough that I could get up there and back without succumbing to a heat stroke.

Jeez! Who knew?

Okay, let’s think about this….

If I left here at 6:30 — maybe more like 6:40, actually — I could get there just as they open. I do have a little-old-lady’s rolling cart(!!). So if I dragged that over there, I could load the groceries into it, get out of the store by about 7:30 a.m., and reach the house at 8:00.

It would still be on the low side of unbearably hot by then: no question of it. But…it wouldn’t be suicidal yet! I probably could get a pile of food and household stuff and get back here before the heat would be enough to make me sick.

Looks like temperatures are expected to be around 79 to 82 degrees at that hour.

Yeah. That’s tolerable. But yeah: I will have to shoot out of the house at dawn.

Goodie.

And as we scribble?

A hot, heavy wind has blown up. It’s roaring around out there.

That is NOT something you wanna be strolling around in. So that obviates trotting to the store this evening…even if that was something I wanted to do. Which I sure as Hell don’t….

So…hmmm…. Will I be able to BBQ tonight? Wanted to cook up the salmon my son bought for me a couple days ago.

Doesn’t look like it. But…one never knows.

Wait until Wonder-Cleaning Lady leaves and then decide, I guess.

And if this weather obviates grilling? Hmmm…  Well…there’s pasta…that’ll do the job, I reckon.

***
AUGH!!!!

Just to make everything perfect, Wonder Cleaning-Lady reports that the damn vacuum cleaner is busted.

I fiddle with it. I dork with it.

Yep. She’s right: it’s not working.

With no car, tomorrow I’ll have to DRAG it to the appliance store. Won’t that be fun!  While I’m dragging a shopping cart, too.

Okay. Let’s tempt a little fate and see if this post will go online….