Consumer Alert: HOLY Mackerel!

For heaven’s sake, this morning’s news has not one, not two, nay, not even four or five, but six hair-raising consumer alerts. DUCK, my friends! INCOMING!!!!

First off, for the gents: You’ll want to ask your lady friend to kindly wash her face before you smootch her the next time. Those lush, sexy lips she’s got on? Toxic.

We girls have known for a long time that lipstick is full of lead, as well as a cocktail of other heavy metals. That doesn’t seem to stop us from plastering it on — often several times a day. We do need to look, uhm, “professional” in the workplace, after all. And we certainly need to look attractive for our guys. Yeah.

The chief toxicologist for the Personal Care Products Council, an industry group, remarks that “metals are ubiquitous.” Among those metals are lead (of which the FDA has now said there is no safe level), aluminum, cadmium, cobalt, aluminum, titanium, manganese, chromium, copper, and nickel. Mmmm…num num!

So you say all that copper plumbing in your house makes you feel more confident that you won’t have to get the shack replumbed between now and the time you pay off the mortgage? Mmm-hmmm. Might want to use the savings to buy some long-term care insurance. We’re now being told that the copper we lap up over the course of a lifetime — much of which leaches into the water from that fine copper plumbing — may contribute to Alzheimer’s disease. Copper is, admittedly, a necessary mineral nutrient…but too much of it is just too much of a muchness.

How do you like your Bud…light, Ice, or regular? Doesn’t matter: all three of them, along with Steel Reserve and Colt 45, rank among the five beer brands that account for a third of all visits to emergency rooms.

Well. That’s what you get for not having the taste to buy a decent hand-made craft beer. {sniff!}

Thought you were cleaning up your act by cutting out the meat? Maybe not so much. Tempeh, favorite ingredient in fake meat substitutes, has been linked to a large outbreak of salmonella poisoning. GIVE UP! Take yourself to Burger King and order a nice, well-done Whopper.

Really very, very well-done.

Taco Hell has a new delectable to tempt your taste buds: waffle tacos stuffed with your choice of fruit or chicken. One word: EEWWWWWW!

If you’re not scared, very scared yet, it’s never too late: Lyme disease is spreading 10 times faster than previously imagined. Don’t worry. You can learn to love the scent of Off!

Speaking of mackerel, you’ll be pleased to learn that mackerel is one of the fish least likely to be contaminated with mercury. {sigh} Thank heaven for small mercies. I guess.

Image: Cherry Lips. Camila Zanon. Licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic license.