Coffee heat rising

Entertaining for Fun and Profit

There! Everything is mise en place, the sausages are on the grill, the water’s heating for the coffee, and I have seven minutes to spare. As soon as my friends get here for this morning’s little brunch and tête a tête, all that will remain is to flip the meat a couple of times, toss some milk and flour in the blender, whirl the stuff around, pour it into a hot pan with melted butter, and stick the thing in the oven. Fifteen or twenty minutes later: voilà! A brunch that can’t be beat.

Well. It could be beat if I were serving something like champagne, tequila sunrises, or bloody Mary’s. But they get coffee and grapefruit juice. This is Monday morning, for hevvinsake.

La Maya and I have invited our realtor friend, whom we’ll call JS here, for a nice brunch and some prospecting conversation. He’s interested in laying the groundwork for future client relationships (La Maya and La Bethulia have expressed some disenchantment with their long-term realtor), and she and I are both interested in learning whether the real estate business is worth pursuing for retired academics.

La Maya has another eight or ten years before she can retire, though she’s expressed an interest in retiring at the earliest possible moment (like, oh…maybe tomorrow?). I’m already on the street, having been laid off two years ago and found that no one will hire an old bat to do anything, at least not anything that pays as much as minimum wage.

I need to earn more than adjunct teaching pays—not much more, actually—and it needs to come in year-round. La Maya thinks she’ll need something after retirement to keep herself active and to help her and La Bethulia continue to live in the style to which they intend to remain accustomed.

She would be a great sales person, because she has a warm and engaging personality. Me…not so much. I’m a writer because sitting in my garret suits me, and in fact it may be the only thing I can do. But still…I do stand up in front of 25 or 30 adult students on a regular basis, so maybe I can pass for something less hermitic.

* * *

Several hours later

That came off nicely. The food was good. The dog was a pest. The human company was convenable. And we learned a lot about starting in the real estate biz.

First, what we know is that JS and his wife are both MBAs from good schools. They each had respectable corporate careers, which after a number of transfers took them to Minneapolis, where they resided for some time. During that time, they each were laid off three jobs—apiece! Finding themselves unemployed for the third time, they concluded that enough was enough and decided to buy a Mrs. Field’s Cookies franchise here in Phoenix. Shortly after arriving here (he said within two weeks), they realized that would never do. But they stuck with it for about three years until they managed to sell the business. At that time they had plenty in savings and figured they would just be retired people.

About that time they had a late-life kid, by choice. “Best decision I’ve ever made in my life,” says he.

Then the stock market crashed, so one of them needed to go back to work. He was more or less enticed into real estate by a friend; took the classes planning to go into commercial property sales and then, influenced by a particularly articulate instructor, decided to try residential sales instead.

He says he loves it (and he indeed seems to): says he’s never worked so hard in his life and never enjoyed a job so much.

The trick, we’re told, is to treat the enterprise as a business, not as some sort of part-time gig. He says you have to work at it full-time (or more), always be developing leads and prospects, always keep abreast of the changing market, and have a coherent, first-rate marketing strategy. He’s very good at marketing: that’s what he did for the huge corporations where he worked in management.

Now, here’s the kicker:

I asked, as subtly as I could, how much a person could expect to earn at real estate; then La Maya put the question more frankly.

He said that in your first year, if you’re working at it full-time, you can expect to gross $30,000 to $40,000, before expenses. After ten years, he’s making about 200 grand.

After sixteen years, La Maya is earning 33% of that, in a tenured position. Prorate that nine-month salary over twelve months, and you still end up with significantly less than half of JS’s take. Me? After ten years in academe, I was earning 33% of it over a twelve-month contract. Now I’m making $14,400 a year.

WTF!?!

As you can imagine, this got our attention.

La Maya now thinks she will take a year to enroll in the required courses on the side, get a license, and, if she can get away with it, begin slowly to build a following. This would put her in a good position to take off when she quits her GDU job in about five or six years.

I’m thinking it would be worth trying to get the license fairly quickly (possibly even paying a proprietary school for the courses, since the junior colleges don’t offer them in a timely manner). Then start building the business forthwith. Thirty grand doesn’t sound like much. But even if you had to fork over 40% of it in taxes and overhead, you’d still be left with a net $18,000.

The net on what I earn now ranges from $11, 520 to $13,440.

So…if JS is correct, even on the low end, first-year income would still net significantly more than I’m making now. An extra $4,560 would make a huge difference for me, to say nothing of an extra $6,480. It would mean the difference between scrabbling along, pinching every penny and not even being able to go to a movie or a concert, and living a fairly normal middle-class life.

Before this afternoon, I was wavering about the real estate class. It takes place on the evenings of the two days I teach, which means I get two Days from Hell each week, and I double my commute cost because I have to drive out to campus twice on each of my teaching days. I’ve wondered if the results would be worth it.

However, I now think it’s a good idea. I’m just gonna do it. It’s only five weeks. Then I’ve got to find the second course somewhere and take the ½-credit contracts seminar. Once I have those things in place, I’ll try to get a job as a flunky somewhere, carrying an experienced agent’s luggage. I’m not going to quit teaching until I see if I can succeed at this enterprise—I now have the classes down to such an art they don’t take much time to manage. But if 30 grand comes in the door during the first year, you can be sure I’ll never set foot in a classroom again.

Good-bye to the schoolhouse!

How to Enrage a Dog…and other springtime chat

How to enrage a dog: wash it. Pour water into the bathtub; pick up the dog; and set the dog into the puddle of water.

Works like a charm. Makes the dog stink of wet dog the rest of the day, too. 😉

We call that the revenge of the wet dog.

Cassie hasn’t been bathed since the memory of person runneth not to the contrary. She was beginning to stink without even being wet. And since she’s a practically odorless little dog (Corgis are strange in many ways, and that’s one), we concluded that it was Time. The weather’s warm enough, and the dog is…stinky enough.

Mercifully, she doesn’t bite.

Thursday it was up to Yarnell with Cassie as day dawned, there to meet La Maya at her and La Bethulia’s weekend home. Sorry, but I forgot take my camera. But it wouldn’t have mattered, because we were too distracted with chatting and walking around the little town and stuffing ourselves with La Maya’s spectacular cuisine to do much photography.

Not so easy, this junket:

First, my car has been emanating a weird noise from its left front wheel. SDXB thinks it’s probably the disk brakes, and come to think of it, last time the car was at the shop, Chuck the Wonder-Mechanic said it would soon need a brake job. Driving it up (and more to the point, down) a 2500-foot incline? Don’t think so.

Meanwhile, SDXB and New Girlfriend had invited me over to his house for a pastie dinner, also yesterday. So (wouldntcha know it?) I asked him if I could borrow his car and leave the Dog Chariot at his house, which is directly on the way to Wickenberg, which is directly on the way to Yarnell. Amazingly, he agreed.

So, the Cassie and I were running late when we left the house shortly after the sky greyed out. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful day. It was gorgeous on the low desert, hazy running up the hill, and spectacular at the top. Temperatures in the high 60s, air clean, sky blue, vultures and ravens riding the cool columns.

Yarnell: funky little burg. Why do I love it so much? What makes me imagine I could (almost!) even live there, out in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do and noplace to go?

Quiet. It’s quiet. Soooo mercifully quiet!

No goddamn helicopters (as I sat down to write this, another damn cop copter was snarling in circles over the war zone at the intersection of our neighborhood’s feeder street and 19th Avenue, that fine conduit of blight). No freeway noise. No roar of traffic from the main drag. No sirens. The sounds are…

children playing,
crows cawing,
birds singing,
wind sifting through the trees,
quiet conversation.

Peace.

It’s weird how you can feel your body tense up as you draw closer, through thickening traffic, to the city. One is always subliminally tense in this place, I think.

Spring is sproinging hereabouts, though today we’ve had a miraculously overcast day, and, we’re told, for the first time in months we should see rain tonight. Grâce à some rain from a plastic hose, we have some visitors despite a dire drought:

Better every year

These iris don’t last long, but they’re truly spectacular. And they seem to be spreading. Click on the image for a better view.

Freesia, despite many Charley trompings

Innocent (says he) as the new-blown snow:

Who? Me?

I have no idea what this is…think it grew from some wildflower seeds I threw down last fall.

Ditto this:

Last night I watched old My Name Is Earl comedies (appropriately Yarnellesque) until midnight. This precluded my completing the stage of the client’s project that was due yesterday, so it was up at 5:00 a.m. so I could ship that off by 8:00. Then bookkeeping and cleaning and fooling around the yard and battening down the hatches for the evening’s supposed storm and cleaning house and washing the dog and shopping and eating and drinking…and now, the hour being yet early, I must edit some lit-crit. Strange lit-crit. As all lit-crit is, by its nature. IMHO.

Don’t you wish you were here?

Disable Lion’s ANNOYING Automatic Spelling Correction

This morning I sent an e-mail to LaMaya describing how a mutual friend charmingly and amusingly pronounced the word “chiropractor” as “choiropractor.” I thought it was very cute. When she replied to that e-mail, preserving my message in it, I discovered that MacMail and silently corrected the funny spelling back to “chiropractor”: she pronounced “chiropractor” as “chiropractor”! This moment of stupidity, it develops, is a function of Lion OSX, and I am not the first scribbler to find it exceptionally annoying.

A couple of days ago I searched around in “Preferences” trying to find a way to shut MacMail’s arrogant “corrections” OFF. No luck. But today I discovered how to get rid of it, at least in the Mail program.

• Open a new message in MacMail.
• Place your cursor in the body of the message (not in an address line).
• Go to the Edit menu.
• Find Spelling and Grammar; hover to open the drop-down menu  next to it.
• Click to deselect “Check Spelling Automatically.” Be sure the checkmark next to it disappears.
• If you want to be alerted when the system thinks you’re misspelled a word (in time-honored way of MS Word’s little squiggly line under the offending term), stay in this drop-down menu, hover over “Check Spelling” to bring up a sub-dropdown-menu, and select “While Typing.”

Now close out of MacMail and then reboot. This will preserve your changes.

Back later with posts on livelier topics. For the nonce, though, I’m reduced to actually working.

Springtime, and the Morons Are Swarming

PHOENIX, March 13, 2012; 6:25 p.m. What a day. Been on the road most of my waking hours, and I swear to God every moron in the city has been there with me. They swarm, like ants and termites in search of new nests. We have the ones who…

• hang in the fast lane at 35 to 40 mph, dragging a long tail of frustrated drivers after them;
• move into the slow lane and then pace the parade, so no one can get around either them or the moron at the head of the line;
• dart in front of you (ye who cruise at an elevated rate of speed in the fast lane), slam on the brakes, and turn left;
• choose the most packed moment of High Rush Hour to try to turn left out of the Safeway parking lot onto GLENDALE FREAKING AVENUE, one of the busiest streets in the city;
• jay-run (yes, that’s right: on foot!) across five lanes of GLENDALE FREAKING AVENUE, yes, in High Rush Hour, daring at least six homicidal drivers to run him down;
• swerve across three lanes of NINETEENTH FREAKING AVENUE, a conduit of blight into any number of terrifying slums that are home to any number of gang-bangers, drug dealers, prostitute runners, and sociopaths, daring all comers to dent their front ends by running them deservedly down; . . .

Oh, God. That’s not even an exhaustive list. It’s just a sampler.

Fourteen things resided on my to-do list this morning. Not unreasonable for Spring Break, eh? One would expect this to be a species of short vacation.

• Mail corporate tax returns to State of Arizona, which is not set up (unsurprisingly…) to receive digital returns from corporations
• Ask [Financial Dude] what happened to the paperwork from the Arizona Board of Regents Fidelity Fund, which was supposed to have surfaced two weeks ago, pursuant to the plan to roll over the remnants of my 403(b) into my big IRA, there to be managed sanely
• Move $225 from Money Market Checking to ordinary boring Checking to cover [Tax Accountant’s] fee
• Enter this in Quickbooks
• Meet client’s underling, receive roughly proofread document
• Read copy
• Download GoToMeeting software at client’s behest
• Learn how to use GoToMeeting software
• Engage in three-way conference call via GoToMeeting
• E-deposit nuisancey $7.50 check arrived from organizers of some strange class action suit.
• Enter this in Quickbooks
• In Paypal, move $120 to Tina’s account, to cover recent editorial job
• Enter this in Quickbooks
• Order pair of shoes via Footprints

Ugh. of these fourteen items, nine got done.

Not on the list?

• Drive to usual propane purveyer, two-thirds of the way to Costco, to refill gas barbecue cylinder
• Be told by sleazy-looking dude at gas station that cylinder is out of date & I have to buy a new one
• Tell S-L-D to f*** off, in only slightly oblique terms
• Look up current gas cylinder regulations; see no clue that 8- or 10-year-0ld propane cylinder must be replaced
• Schlep to U-Haul, nearest purveyer of propane, located in a dark slum
• Be told by U-Haul dude that indeed propane cylinders d’un certain age cannot be refilled; be advised that K-Marts will trade them out.
• Drive through the skin-crawling slum that borders my neighborhood to get to the low-rent K-Mart near my house.
• Do battle with astonishing morons in parking lot to get into the K-Mart.
• Trade old, empty propane cylinder for new, full K-Mart recycling program cylinder. Pay $21 (plus tax) for the privilege.
• Note that new K-Mart cylinder, while full, is light enough for me to carry despite considerable back pain from latest series of muscle spasms.
• Note that new K-Mart cylinder is smaller than the other empty propane cylinder, identical to the traded-in number
• Return home to see Message Waiting light blinking on phone.
• Press button to check messages. Hear…

“Funny, this is [Accountant]. We have a problem. PLEASE CALL ME RIGHT AWAY!”

• Fight back dog.
• Dial [Accountant]

“The IRS rejected your corporate tax return. They said the EIN didn’t match their records for the S-corporation. It’s the same EIN your previous tax accountant used, but apparently it was wrong. I need a power of attorney so I can call them to straighten that out, and I need a copy of your SS-4 form from when you incorporated.”

[Obscenity redacted.] “Okay. I’ll be right over.

• Unearth old forms and bureaucratic paperwork.
• Hire a donkey to haul this to [Accountant]
• Meet. Discuss. Stagger away.
• Return to Funny Farm; let dogs out.
• Reinstall full propane cylinder in barbecue; test for leaks
• Write post for Adjunctorium
• Decide to PLUNGE HEADFIRST off wagon; drive to Safeway to purchase bottle of wine, along the way encountering still more swarms of moron drivers
• Microwave Costco lamb shank and leftover pasta; fix salad; pour large glass of wine
• Drink substantial quantity of wine before M’hijito shows up

I think I left the cork out of the wine bottle. I think I failed to feed the Corgi. I think I didn’t wash the dishes. And so, to rectify those errors, and thence to bed…

P.S. Not quite… Forgot about the load of laundry I left sitting in the washer…

• 8:45 p.m.: Load wet clothes into dryer, turn to “Air Dry” to shake out wrinkles
• 9:00 p.m.: Wrinkles shaken, haul out damp clothes; hang or lay flat to finish drying
• 9:11 p.m.: Place corgi on bed. Attempt (again) to get ready for and go to bed.

 

Budget: Busted, Disgusted, and Can’t Be Trusted

Ugh! My desk is groaning under the piles of paper that have flowed in over the past three weeks. Did most of the bookkeeping to update this month’s budget, and now, thanks to a $205 pool repair bill and the $180 for the (discounted!) air conditioning contract, I’ve got all of $140 to live on between now and the 20th.

Emergency savings, set aside to cover the constantly recurring pool bills and similar little urgencies, are down to $1,300. That account normally hovers around $2,000. So I’d like to avoid having to draw more money out of that during this budget cycle…especially since, on the 21st (first day of the March/April cycle) the car has to go in for an oil change and to figure out why it’s tweeting out of its left front wheel. That’ll be another $200 to $400, you can bet.

Power, electric, water, food, taxes, and gasoline bills are all up—yesterday a little over half a tank of gas set me back $40—but my income certainly isn’t. Social Security rose a few dollars last January, but that was it. Adjunct pay never increases.

Luckily, this week is spring break, so I won’t have to drive around very much. Enough food is stashed in the fridge and freezer to last a week or ten days (I think…). Thursday I’m driving out to Sun City to meet SDXB and drive up to meet our friend La Maya at her weekend place in Yarnell. We’ll take his car, since I’m afraid mine won’t make it up the 2,500-foot climb. I wouldn’t take it into the desert at all these days, much less up Yarnell Hill. We’ll fly up to the old mining town, schmooze with La Maya for a few hours, and then fly back down the hill to his house, where we’ll meet his friends for a dinner of pasties, which he’s been planning for some time.

And that will be my only excursion for spring break. Or for anything: it’s been months and months and months since I’ve gotten out of this place.

Dang, but I’m tired of pinching pennies! I want this job so bad, so I can have just a few more years of a normal life. So many things I can’t afford are piling up: a new(er) car, paint jobs inside and outside the house, orthodonture on the twisted teeth…just to be able to get one of those things done would help. And I’m tired of being cooped up in this house. A walk around the park a vacation does not make.

But have to be realistic about my financial future: the likelihood of the school hiring me—an old lady already on Social Security—into a handsomely paid full-time faculty position is nil.

The accountant is about done with my taxes. I’ll only get about $1,800 back, from which I’ll have to pay her bill. Usually I get around $4,000, and I was counting on that to help refill the Survival Savings account. February’s RASL payment brought it back up to where it was eight or ten months ago, but that was the last of the three annual payments the state owed me for unused sick leave. So without that and with income taxes increased by $2,200, Survival Savings will last about eight months, at which time that little fund will be drained to zero. Then I’ll have to start drawing down retirement savings to make ends meet. Social Security covers less than half my base monthly expenses—significantly less than half, with all those increased bills.

Though net worth looks pretty good, certainly compared with that of most Americans, there’s really only $546,000 to support me through my dotage. And that’s likely to be quite a while: women in my family have lived into their mid-90s—and they were Christian Scientists. They did 100% without medical care. Imagine how long someone with those genes could live into the 21st century, with passing medical care, a lifetime of good nutrition, and no really grinding work. Assuming, though, that I only live to 95, starting a drawdown now is likely to run me out of money before I die. And a 4% drawdown is about $500 a month short of the amount I need to stay in my home and cover my present pared-down expenses.

The real estate class starts next week. That’s gonna make for five weeks of Tuesdays and Thursdays from Hell, but at least it will get over quickly. Relatively. I sure don’t look forward to having to sit in a classroom taking coursework. I spend enough time in classrooms, thank you. And to have to race home from class on T-Th, bolt down dinner, and race back out there to listen to someone drone on into the night does not appeal. However…one does what one has to do. Unfortunately, the other semester of this regimen isn’t offered during the summer, at least not in the junior colleges. You can take all three courses required for a license at a propriety school, to the tune of hundreds of dollars. But since my tuition waiver gets me into each class for $15 apiece, that seems counterproductive.

On the other hand, the longer I have to string out these courses, the longer it’ll take to give myself a shot at some other job.

Not that there’s much promise in those precincts. My mother had a real estate license. She sold exactly zero houses and earned exactly zero dollars. In the course of this career, she sandblasted the paint off the Mercury, driving through windstorms between Long Beach and the Salton Sea. God only knows how much she spent on gasoline to get back and forth between those two armpits. And she spent untold numbers of hours sitting in open houses, bored stiff.

So. I don’t have much hope for this endeavor. But…nothing ventured (etc)…

Garden spot at Salton Sea

Image: Abandoned, salt-encrusted structures on the East shore of the Salton Sea. GregManninLB. Wikipedia Project. Public Domain.

Update on the Nest

Hm. I see I forgot to report on what happened with the Nest thermostat.

After M’hijito’s installation caused it to blow icy air when set at 70 degrees, I checked at the Nest website and found a list of technicians certified to work on the gadget. Thence to Angie’s List, to check the credentials of the three outfits closest to my house. All of them had “A” ratings, suggesting the Nest people are screening applicants for their technician training. I hired the outfit that had the most reviews, upping the probability that a fair number of the “A” ratings were written by real customers, not by the owner’s in-laws, cousins, aunts, and uncles.

In due course a fellow showed up. He determined that one wire was attached to the wrong connection. Turned it on. Blew cold air. After some more fiddling and telephone discussion about the thing’s inner workings, he concluded that the fault was not in our thermostat (dear Brutus), but in our HVAC unit. Up the ladder, down the ladder: he must have climbed up to the roof a dozen times trying to get the machine to talk to the thermostat. Failing this, he did some exploratory surgery. And lo!

The motherboard that directs the machine’s operation was fried. Brown singe all over it.

He came down and said he thought it probably had suffered in a brownout. And yea verily, we have had several brownouts over the past year. Also yea, that thing has never worked the way the old unit worked. I’ve been quietly regretting having bought the Goodman unit ever since it was installed.

Now he runs up to the Goodman wholesaler, purchases a motherboard, returns, mounts the roof again, and installs the part. Climbs back to earth, turns on the thermostat…voilà! Works like a charm! The loveliest, warmest air of the entire winter season flows in through the vents. He tested the air-conditioning function, and the thing breathed out a certifiable Blue Norther.

He spent a good three hours on these adventures.

Price?

Free. Labor and parts are covered by the Goodman warranty.

The $112 bill for installation posted at the Nest site? $80. Angie’s List coupon.

I really, really need a guy to do the twice-annual maintenance on the unit. I disliked the outfit that installed it and so haven’t called them back. Was very unhappy with the outfit that bought my old favorite AC company when the recession ran it out of business. So have had no one to do the work. Asked him about a contract. They want $200 for an annual contract, but if I would sign up on the spot, they would drop the price to $180 and throw in the thermostat installation and the three hours of work the guy just did!

Sold!

So. Now I’ve got a new AC company. The unit is working better than it ever has. It no longer has to labor interminably to bring the ambient temperature to the thermostat setting, because it’s not intermittently blowing frigid air into the house. It’s not cycling on and off all the time, either.

Last summer—the first summer with this new unit, after the insurance company replaced it following the hail damage—my power bill went through the roof. Since the unit is supposed to be ultra-efficient, supposedly far outstrips the defunct 20-year-old Goettl unit, I was a little shocked at the electric bills, but I put it down to a rate increase and a string of extreme-heat days. But now I wonder. I suspect it has never run right. If that’s correct and this is the first time it’s operating the way it’s supposed to, we may see lower bills next summer. It’ll be interesting to compare 2011’s summer electric statements with 2012’s.

Everyone has laughed and hooted at the extravagant price tag of this doodad. But if the present transaction led to repair of a part that wasn’t working right from the outset, maybe over time the thing will do more than look pretty and act kewl. Maybe it will actually save a few dollars.

You get what you pay for, maybe?