Coffee heat rising

funny

This post may be a paid guest contribution.

The refinance is here

by

Yesterday M’hijito and I signed the papers on the refinance for the Investment House. It drops our payments about $200 a month, not quite as much as we’d hoped, but better than a hit on the head.

It’s a 30/15 loan: the payments are calculated on a 30-year basis, but the balance is due in 15 years. We don’t expect to own the house that long-the initial plan was to hold it for five years; we’re now thinking we may keep it 10 years, to give the real estate market time to fully recover. But it’s unlikely he will keep it much longer than that.

If the house is actually worth $250,000 today (I’ll believe that when I see it) and it accrues in value at 5%, a reasonable figure, in 10 years its value will be $407,200. We will owe $176,000 at that time, giving us equity of $231,223. Sounds great, till you figure in the $105,808 we will have paid in interest.

However, let’s suppose he realizes he wants to stay in that centrally located neighborhood for more than ten years, and suppose he wants to get out from under the mortgage:

According to Quicken, if he makes the regular payments on the new mortgage, in 15 years we will owe $147,860.

If he continued to pay at the old rate, putting the extra $200 toward principal, in 15 years he would owe $92,695.

If he paid $300/month toward principal, in 15 years the balance would be $65,112.

And an extra $500 a month would reduce the balance to $9,948 over 15 years and would completely pay off the mortgage in 15 years and 6 months.

Financially, one would no doubt be better off putting extra money into the stock market, unless one wanted to own a piece of property free and clear. Fifteen years is a long haul, and during that time compounding interest will probably grow a mutual fund more than the value of the house itself will grow, especially since it will probably take five years or more for the real estate market to fully rebound. By then he’ll still be twenty years shy of retirement and he will be earning a lot more money, and so there really would be no need for him to own property free and clear. Investing the difference between the old and the new loan would be smarter than paying off the house.

M’hijito has talked about renting instead of selling. I think we could rent the house even now for the mortgage payment, especially if we desert-landscaped the yard. Within three to five years, the amount of the mortgage will be well within the going rate for house rentals. It might make sense, if the house is to be used as a rental, to pay down the mortgage so that a future renter will, in effect, pay off the loan completely before we’re ready to sell the place.

w00t! Frugality works better

by

I just cleaned 1,860 square feet of flooring without using more than a microtherm of natural gas to heat a pail of water…in one hour flat! Not only that, but laydeez and gents, that floor is CLEAN!

One idea for the Month of (not-so-)Extreme Frugality was to sweep the floors—which are tile throughout the house—with a broom, not with the big Panasonic vacuum cleaner or the little Eureka vac-broom. Then to carry through with the remaining two routine steps of floor-cleansing: dust-mopping and wet-mopping.

Dog hair, for those of you who have never had the privilege of living with a dog that thinks it’s a sheep, gathers on hard floors in balls and piles up in dunes. Unlike sand, though, dog dunes drift on the breeze, especially the breeze from a vacuum cleaner motor. So, absent a very practiced technique, vacuuming the hair-strewn floor usually causes the dog dunes to go airborne, floating up the walls and drifting in disintegrating clouds across the room, to settle behind doors and sofas at some later time.

Not so with a straw broom.

Brushing up the wads of dog hair and the small stones, leaves, and skiffs of dirt the dog and the humans tracked in proved to be very easy and very fast. And less back-breaking than usual: though I did have to bend down to sweep mounds into the dust pan, I didn’t have to yank out and re-plug a stubborn electrical cord in every room, hold the cord off the floor and dodge around it, or struggle with attachments. So there actually was less bending and wrestling than with a vacuum cleaner, and because the broom refrained from blowing dog hair into the air, it worked more efficiently. Plus a broom weighs far less than a vacuum cleaner or even an electric broom.

Normally it takes 45 minutes or so to vacuum the whole house, and by the time that’s done, I’m tired. Brooming the floor took a fraction of that time. By the time I finished dust-mopping (which has to be done after vacuuming, too, because the vacuum doesn’t lift the fine pieces of dirt, and the dog hair resettles onto the floor), I had hardly broken a sweat! Wet-mopping an entire houseful of tile is never fun, but it’s a lot less miserable when you don’t start the job already pooped out.

I started around 3:30, spent some time chatting on the phone with the pool dude, and finished at 4:30 sharp, still feeling reasonably fresh despite the warmth of the season’s first summerish day.

This seconds my opinion of installing hard floors as one of my most cost-effective renovations. Not only are they easier to clean than carpets and way cheaper in the long run (because they never have to be professionally cleaned or replaced), in day-to-day use they’re cheaper, too: you can clean the entire house without ever using any electric power!

If Anna H. Banana were not having a little stench issue in her old age, I wouldn’t have had to use hot water for mopping, either. So, those of us who can restrain ourselves from taking in pets could, in theory, keep a house floored entirely in tile, concrete, or wood clean and sanitary without ever expending a watt, an ohm, or a therm.

How we teach our children to cheat, lie, and steal

by

Why do college students plagiarize? Why do they cheat on their assignments? This is something that has always bamboozled me.

After all, they cheat no one but themselves. When you pay to attend classes, it’s your money (or Mom and Dad’s) that you’re shelling out for the privilege. When you cheat to wangle yourself a grade you don’t deserve, you end up paying for something empty, a course that does not do for you what it is advertised to do: furnish your mind. It’s like going into a furniture store, buying a chair, and taking home one with rotten wood and no stuffing—on purpose!

Probably the main reason is the idiotic and corrupt grading system. Grades debase education. They function as a monetary system through which students are “paid” to perform. Grades are the currency of the classroom. And like money, they are the root of much evil.

Students are so greedy for high grades that, like a loan officer in an unscrupulous financial institution going after the gold, they readily compromise ethics and common sense to get them. They steal or buy content for their papers, present it as their own, and then are surprised that anyone cares when they get caught.

Once nabbed, these rip-off artists produce a fine array of predictable excuses. The most common is “it was inadvertent. I didn’t know I couldn’t just copy that and stick it in a paper with no acknowledgment.” The best is “what a coincidence!”

Yes. I actually had a student tell me, after she turned in a paper she had copied from a government pamphlet right down to the heads and subheads, that it was an amazing coincidence that her paper consisted of the same, exact words as some federal information specialist’s. Wonders never cease.

One reason I have students collaborate on group papers (in addition to the obscene overenrollment that makes it impossible to read papers from every individual) is to circumvent plagiarism. If you organize the group well—with at least one A student and at least one B or another A student—you usually end up with one or two people who are too smart to plagiarize and at least one who is too scared. Then of course you have to create an assignment that is so individual there’s no way to find an identical paper on a term paper site or in a fraternity’s file cabinet.

Didn’t work this semester, though. For the first time in recorded history, I received a plagiarized group effort. When I called the little darlings on it and asked why I shouldn’t flunk all six of them in the course, they wailed that they didn’t mean to do it.

Understand. These are university juniors and seniors who claim they don’t know any better than to cheat. To cheat themselves, let us say.

Hey, if it’s only themselves they cheat, why do we care? Why do we care, dear future employers of these fine folks?

Here’s my response to the young things:

You claim that the copy-and-paste effort you turned in was inadvertent (we didn’t mean to highlight, copy, and paste passages of someone else’s work, slap them together unacknowledged, and call it a paper). I suppose anything is possible. Some people don’t mean to get into their cars when they’re three sheets to the wind and weave off down the highway. Others don’t mean for a T-bone steak to leap off the Safeway’s meat counter into their purses. Many a mortgage lender didn’t mean to fork over hundreds of thousands of dollars to borrowers who had no believable means to repay the loans and did not understand the concept of “variable rate.” Could be. I suppose.

It’s odd, though. Yours is one of thirteen collaborative groups in this course—eighty students. None of the twelve other groups had any problem with this issue. Where the other seventy-four students used source material, they cited it. Matter of fact, they seemed a bit smug about demonstrating that they’d gone to the trouble to google their subject and actually read something about it. It suggests that people who have reached the elevated rank of university junior or senior might be expected to know what plagiarism is (it’s a very simple concept, related to the idea that T-bone steaks ought not to be permitted to jump into your purse).

Then we have the nature of the paper itself. Six people are in your group. But the magnum opus is only five paragraphs long. This means we have six people who could not bring themselves to write one paragraph each. Whoever did manage to crank out a few words couldn’t quite work up enough energy to write her own words, or to acknowledge the source of the words she lifted somewhere else.

This suggests the paper probably does not represent the work of six people—possibly a couple of people said they would do this assignment and a couple more said they’d do the next one. That’s fine. However, the point of collaborative work is for everyone to at least look at the thing. If two people wrote it and four other people read it, then at least one of the four people should have noticed that it contained no documentation, that it is oddly brief, and that it goes nowhere. It contributes nothing to an argument: all it does is regurgitate. And since a proposal tries to persuade, well…leaving the argumentation to the last minute risks the possibility that no persuasion will ever appear and the proposal will end up being a report, not a proposal.

So, intention or no intention, much is wanting here.

Plagiarism is a reason to fail a student in a course. Not only can you fail the student, you can flag the grade so that it appears in the person’s transcript as a failure by reason of dishonesty.

However, if I try to flunk six students out of my course, I will wish I’d never thought of it. Failing even one student can lead to an enormous hassle. They appeal, they go to the dean, their parents go to the president or the board of regents. Failing six would create a hideous nightmare. I would end up in front of a committee explaining how I designed my course, how I built the assignment, what I expected, what they produced, what everyone else in the class produced, how I know they plagiarized, why the ripped-off passages are plagiarism (no joke!), why plagiarism is not a good thing, why all six of them should be held responsible for one plagiarized paper, and why I dare to think young adults who steal copy from the Internet deserve to fail the course.

For $3,500? Divided by four and one-half months: for $778 a month, less taxes, less deductions? For take-home pay of $440 a month, I should put myself through the tortures of the damned? Not bloody likely.

Instead, I proposed to forgive their crime if they shovel out the Augean stable: They’re to read five documents on plagiarism and on techniques of collaborative writing, editing, and revising-four of which have been posted on the site since the start of the semester-and create a 60-item exam on the material, with the correct answers.

This will get them out of my hair and, should my sanity ever lapse again to the extent that I agree to teach another online course at GDU, will provide a well of questions for an exam on the subject.

But trust me: that lapse will never happen. This incident reminds me why I burned out on teaching five years ago. It’s a good reason to seek another line of work.

Comments at iWeb site:

5 Comments

Mrs. Micah

Wow. I know Micah hates grading, especially freshman papers. And every year, there’s plagiarism (which is fascinating because he makes them write papers about a song or movie…depending on the semester and how it relates to specific course topics. secondary literature is optional and it’s really not writing a paper on hamlet or something common). Anyway, he hates it too, but has only failed one student for it. The rest he’ll just fail the paper, give a stern lecture, and make them write a new and non-plagiarized paper for the 2nd version (he always does a rewrite assignment).

Fortunately it’s something like 1 student per class.

Did I ever tell you my college mentor’s way of putting it? “Grading papers is like holding urine in your mouth.” Yeah.

Thursday, April 24, 2008 – 03:00 PM

vh

There are ways to discourage the practice. Assigning group projects is one. Wily crafting of the assignment is another.

But nothing works 100 percent.

Some faculty no longer care. When the subject of plagiarism comes up in Faculty Senate meetings, many of those present argue that it’s not worth worrying about, and that threatening to flunk a student for this particular form of cheating is an overreaction.

I dunno. Personally, it leaves me thinking there’s just gotta be better ways to make a living.

Thursday, April 24, 2008 – 03:10 PM

BeThisWay

How sad, for everyone.

It’s not hjust about the student, though.Thatstudent is going to be a (hopefully) contributing member of society.

Makes me wonder how deeply cheating really affects our society.Did the doctor about to perform my surgery cheat his way through med school?

Shudder.

Thursday, April 24, 2008 – 04:00 PM

Rachel @ Master Your card

I could never understand why students did this either. I guess they are just too lazy to do the work or leave it too late but surely no one gets satisfaction out of a grade that they did not earn themselves …or do they?

Friday, April 25, 2008 – 02:38 AM

vh

If grades are money, why wouldn’t one get satisfaction out of an unearned grade? Aren’t we all thrilled when we win the lottery or wangle a bargain? There’s not much difference.

Many undergraduates are not in college for the learning experience. They’re jumping through the hoops we require of young people before they can get a decently paying job.

Universities, clinging to the outdated idea that they’re in the business of educating minds rather than providing vocational training, demand that students fulfill gen-ed requirements, courses in writing, math, and cultural literacy. Few students see much value in these courses, and many highly resent having to take them.

It’s only to be expected, under those circumstances, that students would try to get through the hoops with the least amount of effort possible. As a culture, we don’t do a universally good job of transmitting ethical values to young people, and that is reflected in their inability to see plagiarism as a very serious issue.

Friday, April 25, 2008 – 05:07 AM

Side jobs, side worries

by

Tomorrow I’m meeting with the editor of a small local press about a freelance job. It’s low-paid, but one of my RAs is freelancing for this outfit and says the work is steady.

For the time being, I don’t need much pay. The amount I’d make in a year would be about 1.5 times the amount I’d earn teaching one course, and the work is a lot easier and a lot less annoying. Two gigs of this nature would out-earn the equivalent of teaching a course a semester, a reasonable load in addition to a full-time job.

I also hope to let her know I’m open for other work and may soon be in the market for a full-time job.

My boss has had my annual review materials for three weeks. All I’ve heard from her is silence.

Meanwhile, today the legislature is expected to cut the Great Desert University’s budget by $50.4 million. My college alone is millions of dollars in the hole, far deeper in the red than at any time in the university’s history. And my job? By no stretch of the imagination can it be seen as “essential.” It supports the university’s mission, but only if you understand that a university has a mission to do research and scholarship as well as to teach. And our state’s legislators and regents never have fully grasped that point.

So I worry: Is the dean silent because she’s waiting to see if my contract will be among those to be canceled? Is she already mulling over ways to show me the door?

This is a recurring worry for me, since I work on a year-to-year contract that can be canceled at will. Under normal circumstances, it’s not much of a worry, because of institutional inertia: replacing me would be a hassle, and so it would take quite a dramatic circumstance to move the administration to do that. However, in the face of gigantic budget cuts, another possibility arises: get rid of me and all my staff. Closing down my entire office would not be a hassle. My RAs’ contracts end at the semester and mine ends on June 30. To get rid of us all, the university simply has to let our contracts lapse.

That strikes me as not unlikely. Experience has shown that silence from the dean’s quarters is often a bad sign.

So it behooves me to start looking around for other work, even it it’s just freelance stuff.

It has to be possible to get by on the reduced collect-at-age-62 Social Security and the proceeds from my retirement savings. My income would drop from $61,000 to $37,760, of which $12,000 has to go to pay the mortgage on the Investment House. I can’t even begin to imagine how I would live on $25,760-pretax! With no health insurance! Health insurance alone, through ASU’s retiree system, would consume another $7,200. How on earth would I eat, to say nothing of support a house?

Be This Way describes how she and her husband arranged to make it possible for her to knock off work. On the other hand: she has a spouse who’s earning a living. I have no one. And SDXB has been insisting for years that Bumhood is feasible for anyone who’s determined to make it work. But: he has a military pension and gets twice as much SS as I will get, on top of his savings. He lives in Sun City, where housing costs are a fraction of mine, taxes are a third as much as mine, and insurance is half of mine. And his idea of “normal” is most people’s idea of “ascetic”—he lives an Extreme Frugal lifestyle as a matter of course.

I don’t want to live like that, and I don’t want to live in Sun City. But if I lose my job, that’s pretty much how it’ll have to be.

Comments from the iWeb site:

1 Comment

BeThisWay

This is very stressful stuff.You’re right in that my situation is very different, and I’m lucky that we have no debt besides my small (under $600 a month) mortgage.

I don’teven knoe you but I have every confidence that IF they close tyour department or don’t renew your contract that you will manage.You’re capable and not afraid to work, and work hard.

Keep us posted!

Ashes

by

The plan to use candles instead of electric lights as a feature in the Month of (not-so-)Extreme Frugality requires me to get out the candle-holders. Among the motley crew is an old pair of silver-plate candle-holders that date back so far I think they were a wedding gift.

Badly tarnished, they suffered considerably the last time I used them because I left them out on the patio table, where the ambient smog ate into their silver coating. They’re not what you’d call precious heirlooms.

I’d heard that ashes can be used as a silver cleaner. Well, I wasn’t about to try the stuff left in the fireplace on the Cristofle. But these little guys looked like perfect guinea pigs.

So I retrieved a few spoonsful of ashes from the last time I burned old receipts in the fireplace and mixed in enough water to make a paste.
apr23candlesticks

Lo! It works! In fact, it may work better than commercial silver polish. Here’s a before and after with the ashes. Some light marring of the surface remained, which I suspected might be the ash mix’s fault.

However, when I cleaned the other piece with Wright’s silver polish, similar discoloration remained on that candle-holder. So it looks like the smog pitted or discolored the surface. Whatever the cause, it’s not the ashes. The Wright’s was no faster or easier than the ash mixture, and it didn’t work as effectively on the part that holds the candle, where dirt had combined with wax to form a near-impermeable layer.
apr23candlesticks2

The piece on the left was cleaned with Wright’s; the piece on the right, with ashes.

So there you are: free silver cleaner. Before I throw out the ashes in the fireplace, I think I’ll collect a few trowels-full in a Ziplock bag for future use.

Comments left at iWeb site:

Anonymous

Great idea!

Now what can I burn…?Ah, there’s Husband’s comic books…

Wednesday, April 23, 2008 – 09:35 AM

Michel Savoie

Impressive!! Thanks for the tip! I’d never heard of that one before

Friday, April 25, 2008 – 01:03 PM

Stephanie

Well that is something. It looks great!

Saturday, April 26, 2008 – 02:00 PM

RecycleCindy

What a wonderful tip. I must try that. I have used the ashes from our stove on theicy road by our house. It’s works great for that too.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008 – 03:42 PM

Coupons

by

So I make a run on the Safeway on the way home from work, neatly combining a shopping trip with the commute. As I’m forking over $68 and thinking the prices have gone through the roof since my last visit, several weeks ago, the cashier hands me a coupon book.

Excellent, I think. This will be my introduction to couponing, a feature of my month of (not-quite-)extreme frugality.

Other bloggers sing the praises of coupons and swear you can get out of CVS with free products by combining cents-off coupons with sales. The purse-stuffing little pieces of paper evidently save costs in many stores, such as Safeway. I’ve never made a habit of using them, mostly because I think they’re a nuisance-I have enough paper to keep track of, thanks-and also because I rarely find a coupon for anything I want. To get the cents off, you either have to buy a product you ordinarily would not buy or switch brands. And when I select a brand, it’s usually for a reason.

Home at last, the groceries put away, and a glass of orange juice poured. Let’s take a look at what we have in the coupon book:

  • Spend fifty bucks at Safeway and you get a free reusable, environmentally friendly shopping bag, advertising Safeway. Unclear whether it’s canvas or just heavy-duty paper. If the former, sure; I’d buy $50 worth of groceries at Safeway for the privilege of carrying around its billboard. If the latter: I have enough paper to keep track of, thanks.
  • Two bucks off O Organics salad mix. Okay, I use that stuff and would be happy to…you have to buy a pound of it? Who do they think they are, Costco? If I buy a pound of cut-up lettuce, half of it will spoil before I can eat it. Penny-wise, pound-foolish.
  • Three bucks off a foliage plant. That’s nice. But my house is full of plants. They’re the only part of the clutter I didn’t get rid of during the Late Great Decluttering Campaign, because I can’t bring myself to do in a living thing. So I have enough houseplants to water, thanks.
  • One dollah off two Contessa Green Cuisine Meals. I don’t eat processed, prepackaged food. So this one doesn’t count. Two of them don’t count times two.
  • A dollar off two 12-packs of Diet Pepsi. Ick!!! Wonder if they have a coupon for orange juice?
  • A dollar off a bag of cheddar-flavored or vinegar-flavored potato chips. Uhm…I don’t suppose I could just have the cheddar cheese (real cheddar cheese, OK? not a “flavor”) or a nice bottle of vinegar? I don’t eat potato chips, unless forced to it by famine.
  • Two bucks off Yuban canned coffee. I don’t care for preground canned coffee. They put the cheapest, ickiest, most muddy-tasting coffee beans they can find in that stuff. Moving on…
  • A buck off two SunChips snacks. “Snacks”? No clue what the stuff is, but apparently it’s made at a factory where they use solar energy. There’s a good reason to buy it. Whatever it is, it doesn’t appear to be food.
  • A dollar off Miracle Whip. Ecchhh! What is the appeal of that stuff? I’ve never been able to figure it out.
  • A dollar off Back to Nature Granola. Why? Why would anybody buy granola? I make my own for a tiny fraction of the cost. It tastes better (a lot better), I control the ingredients, and it’s way, way lower in fat.
  • A dollar off four Campbell’s condensed salt licks…oh, sorry, condensed canned soup. Here’s a Warholesque image of a can of tomato soup. Campbell’s soup is another of those processed products that palely imitate real food. And the stuff is absurdly expensive, especially considering that many varieties are little more than “flavored” flour paste. Swanson’s is significantly better and that company offers low-salt chicken and beef broth. It’s mighty easy to make your own tomato soup with a can of tomatoes and half an onion. The stuff tastes ten times better and doesn’t leave your mouth puckered up.
  • Speaking of thirst, you get a buck off two six-packs of Nestle’s bottled water, in The Eco-Shape Bottle. Thirty percent less plastic than the average half-liter. “A little natural does a lot of good.” Haw haw haw haw haw! Funniest darn thing I’ve read in weeks. A plastic bottle is a plastic bottle, dear Nestle’s. Water is water. Most bottled water is tap water. Bottling it in plastic does nothing to improve it. Water sold in any plastic bottles still dumps zillions of unnecessary plastic bottles into the land fills, there to stay for all eternity, until the earth is a frigid cinder circling a burnt-out dwarf star. “A little natural does a lot of good,” eh? A little natural what?
  • Speaking of salt, as we were a moment ago, you can get another dollah off Annie Chun’s Soup Bowl or Noodle Bowl. Yum. To assuage the resulting thirst, pick up a 24-pack of Coca-Cola, rotting your teeth and fattening your belly for a buck off.
  • If you like your sugar intake organic, get yourself two 12-ounce jars of organic fruit “spreads” (and what would that be? we’re not allowed to call it jam or jelly?) or 16 ounces of natural (as opposed to “unnatural”) or organic (as opposed, one figures, to “inorganic”) peanut butter. Could be worse, I suppose. Could be the salted soup or noodle bowls.
  • Buy some “pure goodness”TM for a buck off two packages of Cascadian Farm products. Several strange-looking boxes are pictured, labeled “strawberry,” “oats and honey,” and “organic” somethingorother. Whatever it is, I don’t think I want to put it in my mouth.
  • Fifty-five cents off 64 or more ounces of Silk soymilk. Well, OK, if you think it helps your menopausal symptoms, more power to you. Me, I’ll take a glass of nice, cold water. Tap water. Hold the plastic, please.
  • Fifty cents off Clif, Luna, or Builder’s Bar. “Moving toward Sustainability” is this manufacturer’s motto: we’re told this outfit uses 70% organic ingredients (as opposed to inorganic ingredients), 30% to 50% less fossil fuels than conventional farming (but where does it say here that the company is a farm? it makes candy bars!), 450,000 pounds of shrink-wrap eliminated through redesign of packaging (good, good), 20,000 miles of shipping using bio-diesel fuel (oh, please, please, please smarten up, dear corporate executives!). Bars. It’s bars. Bars of what, we don’t know, but whatever it is, 30% of it ain’t organic. One of them has chocolate chips. Your kids can wash them down with some of that Coke and Pepsi you saved on above.
  • Make your soy Westsoy!” A dollar off four Westsoy, soy, or rice drinks. Urp!

Soylent Green is people!

  • Well, here we have the opiate of the masses: yes, yes, yes!!!!!! FREE (with coupon) BEN & JERRY’S MINI CUP. Yes. Three-point-six ounces of Ben & Jerry’s! I knew these coupons were good for something. We will be dropping by the Safeway on th’way home from work tomorrow.
  • “Organic Herbal Teas for Self Care”” a buck off a couple of ersatz nutraceuticals, teas that allege to sooth your sore throat and stimulate your bowels. For a buck off, you, too, can start a practice as your own snake-oil quack! No nuisancey medical school required!
  • A dollar off two packages of “Nature’s Balance Bath Tissue.” Ah! I used “nature’s balance bath tissue” during that time SDXB and I spent three months sleeping on the ground in the outback of Alaska and Canada. It was called “leaves.” Didn’t cost anything, so we didn’t need to ask for cents off.
  • Fifty cents off a bottle of astronomically expensive Tide high-efficiency detergent. Every penny counts, I guess.
  • A buck off Planet 2x Ultra Laundry Detergent. Take that, Tide!
  • A buck off any Green Works item. Hm. I’ve heard this stuff actually functions. I might try that. Now we have two reasons to go back to Safeway, the Ben & Jerry’s and…waitminit. The stuff is made by Clorox? Clorox is making “natural” cleaners (as though any household cleansers were not unnatural)? Well. No wonder it works. “Made from plant- and mineral-based ingredients.” That explains why it “contains no harsh chemical fumes or residue.” Heaven only knows mineral-based ingredients like petroleum products are gentle, and so are plant-based ingredients like, oh…cocaine.
  • A buck off Purex Natural Elements Liquid Detergent. To their credit, Purex’s ad designers refrain from ridiculous sloganeering, double-talk, and empty phrases.
  • A dollar off All Small & Mighty Laundry Detergent. It’s concentrated. According to the ad copy in the front of the coupon book, concentrated is good. Very good. But I have a lifetime supply of Kirkland out by the washer.
  • Suave has also cooked up a design alleged to use less plastic: 13,863,828 fewer plastic bottles each year! Dang! Could we see the math on that, please? And how do the stockholders feel about your selling that much less shampoo?
  • Method handwash chemical-gel, creamy, or foaming: 75 cents off. Personally, I prefer bar soap. It has less wetting agent, so when you wash your face with ordinary soap, it doesn’t flow right straight into your eyes. Is there a reason we need different products to wash our faces and our hands? What is it?
  • Free box of o.b. tampons. Thank God I’ll never have to use those little gems again.
  • Oh, jeez! FIVE DOLLAH OFF A BRITA PITCHER OR THREE-PACK FILTER! Sold!
  • And finally, two bucks off a package of Duracell rechrgeable batteries, or a charger. Duracell has figured out that “rechargeable” justifies printing the word on the batteries in a green label. Green, rechargeable. Rechargeble, green. What’s inside one of those things, anyway?

Now we have three objects to get on the next shopping trip:

  • 1. 1 free 3.6-ounce container of Ben & Jerry’s (which I would never have thought about without this fine offer)
  • 2. 1 Clorox product, alleged to be, uhm, not unnatural
  • 3. 3 Brita filters. Or maybe a pitcher for the office.

Notice what’s happening here. Though we’ve rejected most of the blandishments, a few of which are come-ons for some truly noxious-sounding (and two or three proven noxious) products, we still propose a trip to the store for three new products, two of which we do not need. One is free. But after the free sample, how many of us will get out of the store without buying a pint (at least!) of Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough Ice Cream? Or maybe that double-whammy chocolate stuff? I need the Brita filters, the better to make our tap water potable. But free calories? Another Clorox chemical? In any event, the coupons save six dollars, but I spend whatever the Clorox product costs and whatever the Brita filters cost (plenty, as I recall).

Because you have to buy the Clorox product before May 26 and I already own two gallon bottles of Simple Green, I’m required to buy a product that I don’t need and won’t need for many months…possibly not for a year or two. Come to think of it, three Brita filters are sitting in the kitchen cabinet.

With the exception of a few household products, most of this stuff is junk food or highly processed food “products” that are full of salt, sugar, and weird chemicals. Exactly one item of fresh food appears: prewashed, precut lettuce that a) costs more than a head of lettuce and b) is likely to spoil before one person (moi) can consume it all.

We’ve spent a quarter of an hour leafing through and contemplating this pack of coupons, only one of which really is worth anything. That is, at $30/hour, we’ve spent about $7.50 of my time to save $6 on products that I already have. And…why are these coupons are good for us again?