Coffee heat rising

Good-bye old receipts, hello dinner

As a compulsive expense-tracker, I drop credit-card receipts into a file folder after having entered the charges in Excel. After a few months, disposing of the resulting fat collection of paper can present a challenge. The wad quickly builds up to enough to choke a shredder, and besides, who wants to stand next to a shredding machine for an hour or so feeding old, faded credit-card receipts into the thing?

Typically, I burn a pile of them in the fireplace once a year. However, it’s only May and the junk receipts folder was full to busting. In hundred-degree weather, I don’t much feel inclined to fire up the hearth. Soooo….

You’ll only read it here, my friend! No other PF blog on the planet will clue you to this ingenious idea. 

😉

The Bookkeeper's Stove
The Bookkeeper's Stove

I have a charcoal-starting chimney, a gadget that allows you to light charcoal using just a couple pages from a newspaper. No petroleum products need apply! So this evening I wrapped the mound of old credit-card receipts inside a double-truck spread, crammed it into the chimney, and used it to set fire to a load of charcoal.

It’s working! Soon the coals will be ready for a steak and a fine cob of corn. And six months’ worth of credit-card receipts will be cremated and returned to their Maker, dust to dust, ashes to ashes, never to present a temptation to an identity thief. 

How many people on this earth at this hour can say they converted a mountain of junk paper into dinner?

 

 

Copyright © 2009 Funny about Money 

INSIGHT! Thinking outside the (digital converter) box

    

When M’hijito was last over here trying to figure out why my TV won’t get the newly fully digitized version of the local PBS station, no matter how much rescanning we commit, he speculated that by keeping the Radio Shack TV antenna inside the ugly TV armoire, we can’t extend the antenna’s VHF arms long enough to pick up the new, weaker signal from Channel 8. He realized that if he held the antenna  up in the air and canted his body at a 75-degree angle in front of the set, gadget and corpus together worked to bring in a signal. Alas, though, this was not a practical, permanent solution…

He speculated that with a long enough coaxial cable, we might get it to work by putting it on top of the ugly armoire, except that my house being a bit on the vintage side, the armoire clears the unstylishly low ceiling by only about 22.5 inches, not enough to fully extend the rabbit ears and aim them up, down, around, and beyond. Besides, I have a set of puck lights up there that I don’t especially want to take down.

So I was somewhat annoyed: except for My Name Is Earl and House, I hardly ever watch programs other than those on PBS—and not much of those, either. I just don’t have time, unless it’s something I really enjoy. I’m certainly not going to pay for cable service to get high-definition delivery of shows that I don’t have time to watch and, in general, don’t care for. IMHO, cable is worthwhile for people who a) have plenty of time to sit in front of the idiot box; b) enjoy watching sports on TV; c) enjoy watching movies on TV; d) have kids who need an electronic babysitter; or e) some or all of the above. 😉 I don’t seem to fit into any of those categories.

This morning in a moment of idle boredom, I came across a hilarious video showing how to make a DYI television antenna. Wait! thought I: back in the Cretaceous, I used to be young and clever, too…and I never took “no” for an answer when it came to gadgetry. Trouble is, I’m just not thinking like a person who’s young enough that his voice hasn’t quite changed.

If the antenna works but can’t work inside or on top of the armoire, why does it have to be inside or on top of the armoire? Why can’t it be someplace else?

So I dug out an old, dusty TV table (so aptly named!), dragged it into the TV room, unhooked the co-ax cable and fished it out of the hole in back of the armoire, reconnected it to the antenna, and set the thing up on the table next to the armoire. It’s just flicking hideous, of course: ugly armoire, ugly antenna, ugly TV table. But who cares? No one ever goes into that room but me and the dog, who seems to have little aesthetic sense.

 Well, by golly, it works! All four of KAET’s digital channels come in loud and more or less clear.

Hallelulah, brothers and sisters! Four more channels with nothing on to watch!

Copyright © 2009 Funny about Money

😀

Optional frugality

The other day, a woman wrote a letter to the New York Times‘s editor in which she recalled her younger years of drudgery, before everyone in the country owned a dishwasher, a washer, and a dryer—or at least had access to a laundromat. She reflected on the fatuousness of us new-age frugalists who imagine we’re doing great things for the environment and ourselves by, say, hanging out our laundry. No way, she said, would she ever want to go back to those sore, chapped hands and ragged fingers made that way from having to hang up heavy, wet clothes in the cold of winter.

Yeah. There’s something to that.

 My mother grew up on a dirt farm in upstate New York in the first third of the twentieth century, when they did not have vacuum cleaners, washers, or dryers (or indoor plumbing, for that matter), and when the idea of a “dishwasher” was a fantasy akin to Dick Tracy’s wrist phone.

She loved the fresh-air scent of clean sheets hung to dry in the sun. But I can tell you for darned sure: given a choice, the last thing on this earth she would have willingly done was hang out another sheet on a clothesline. She embraced every new energy-sucking convenience as welcome liberation from back-breaking drudgery and ambient, life-threatening filth.

When she was a little girl, she said, rugs (they didn’t have anything like wall-to-wall carpets, nor, of course, did they have vacuum cleaners) were hauled out to the line every spring, where her job was to take a stick and beat the dirt out of them. This was a fair way to contract tuberculosis, an endemic disease at the time.

Between spring cleanings, country wives and city servants tried to clean the rugs by sprinkling tea leaves over them and sweeping up the leaves with a straw broom. Think of the amount of fun labor that would have entailed. Didn’t use any electricity, though: the tea was brewed on a wood stove.

Did you know that if you sweep the dirt out of the house over the threshold, you sweep all the luck out of the house? So don’t think you’re gunna get out of bending down to collect every single grain of debris in a dustpan!

I also was once a little girl who helped her mother with the drudgery of housework, because after all that’s what girls and women did. Home was the girl’s prison and the woman’s workhouse, as George Bernard Shaw aptly observed about the mores of his time. In Arabia, where I grew up, we had a wringer washer that resided in a back-of-the-house room we called the “service porch.” Anyone who feels any nostalgia for this device is sadly mistaken.

Our washer connected to the hot water tap, which filled the agitator-equipped tub, and it backed onto a big concrete utility sink. After the dirty clothes had sloshed around in soapy hot water for a while, we would turn on the wringer and pass each item through it—carefully, because if your hand got caught in it, that would be the end of your hand!—and let them drop into the tubful of cold water. There, my mother and I together would bend over the tub and slop the clothes up and down and around and around to rinse out the soap as best as we could. Then we would wring out each piece by hand, one at a time, and drop it into a big laundry basket.

We would haul the basket out into the backyard—actually, she carried it, because it was too heavy for me to lift—and set it on the ground under the clotheslines. First, my mother would take a damp rag and wipe down each wire line to remove the dirt and bird droppings that would have accumulated since the last time we did this job, the prior week. Then I would bend down, pick up an item, and hand it to her and she would clip it to the line. The two of us together would wrestle the sheets onto the lines.

A few hours later, assuming no dust- or rainstorm blew up, we went outside, unclipped all the clothes, dropped them back in the basket, and hauled them back inside, where my mother had to iron every. single. stitch.

“Ironing” implied something quite different from what Americans do with an electric iron today, which is what we used to call “pressing”—a kind of light touch-up. My father wore khakis to the dock, where he worked as a harbor pilot. A man’s khakis were a far cry from a pair of beige twill Dockers. They were made of heavy, thick cotton. One of his shirts weighed as much as a pair of denim jeans does today. To iron any piece of cotton (and everything we owned was cotton, linen, or wool—there were no wrinkle-resistant synthetic or coated fabrics in the good old days), you first had to dampen it thoroughly, using an old pop bottle into whose neck you had stuffed a sprinkler head attached to a cork. Then you rolled it up tightly and put it, with the rest of the sprinkled laundry, inside a canvas laundry bag. If you had other things to do before ironing, you would store the dampened clothing in the refrigerator until you could get to it.

Items that needed to be starched, such as men’s shirts, were simmered on the stove in a big kettle of starch and water, then wrung out and hung on the line to dry again, before being sprinkled and ironed.

silexA steam iron was a rarity, and those we had didn’t generate enough steam to iron out wrinkles well, which was the reason each item needed to be evenly but sparingly dampened. We did have the convenience of electric irons, which you fired up to blow-torch level, and then you stood over the ironing board for hours. It could take two to three hours of steady work to iron an entire week’s worth of clothing—for just three people. You also ironed the sheets and pillowcases, and some women, believe it or not, ironed their husbands’ cotton underwear.

So, you know, the lady who wrote to the Times to remark, in effect, that we would-be frugalists look pretty silly as we proudly hang out our laundry, whirl Fels Naptha soap in the food processor to make our own laundry detergent, and try to grow our groceries in the back yard…she may have it right. We know not whereof we speak (or those of us who are a little older conveniently forget whereof we speak).

My mother’s family canned every bite of produce they didn’t eat fresh out of the garden, but she developed rickets as a child, because during the winter there were no fresh fruits and vegetables—indeed, in winter there was precious little to eat at all. Rickets erodes your teeth as well as your bones. By the time I was 12 years old, she didn’t have a tooth left in her head.

It’s easy to play at going partially off the grid when the dryer is still standing there, ready to be used if you need to toss in a shirt before you run to work, a shirt that will come out of the dryer hardly needing to be pressed. And it’s comforting to grow your food in the backyard when the supermarket is down the road to back you up.

But…would you really want to have to do it?

Link to Dick Tracy image: Wikipedia

Ridiculous day, so far…

Okay, okay. I can’t even blame anyone (other than my turkey self) for this day’s launch. It wuz all my fault.

Out of the sack at 5:15. Off to M’hijito’s at 6:30, there to meet Bila the Painter par Excellence (or, if not p.e., at least par incredibly cheap), slated to arrive at 7:00 a.m. Son is still in the sack. A half-hour passes. No Bila. I’m hungry, not having had energy or volition to bolt down more than a couple pieces of cheese and a banana. Another half-hour passes. Kid gets up. No Bila. Shee-ut.

I drive to the train stop, 400 photocopied page proofs in hand, planning to earn another $50 in the transit to and from the Great Desert University. Stick my credit card in the ticket machine. Receive message: Not accepting credit cards today. Bureau-code for Eff You Very Much!

Naturally, I have no cash on me, because I never carry cash. Doesn’t matter: last time I tried to stick a bill in the machine, the machine spat it right out. If you don’t happen to carry $2.50 in nickels, dimes, and quarters, you’re not riding. Curse, stalk back to my car, drive to Costco, fill up. 

In the course of this Brownian motion, the local NPR station is delivering its flaming-debris-in-the-middle-lane reports: State Route 51 is dead stopped from the interchange back to Northern; the 202 has a wreck at 32nd Street. Wheeeeeee!

After filling up, I decide I’d druther wait at my house than on the road for the freeways to clear up, so I drive home and work on an article for a GDU client editor while the rush hour passes. Back at the casa, I glance at the calendar and learn that Bila is scheduled for the 18th, not for today.

Oh good. We can repeat all this next Monday!

Dumb tax!!!

Arrive on campus around 10:30. Duck through the church courtyard to avoid walking past Her Deanship’s office window. There have to dodge around a homeless mentally ill person sleeping on the sidewalk. Emerge near the stoplight at the crosswalk, where I’m panhandled by another homeless mentally ill person and then cross the street almost hand-in-hand with a third homeless mentally ill person. Really. We should at least set up showers on the streets for folks who need them, since We the People can’t bring ourselves to provide shelter and psychiatric care for our most helpless compatriots. Oh. Sorry. That would be SOCIALIST!!!!!, wouldn’t it?

Moving on, Her Deanship has requested that I send in the two endless forms to fulfill the requirements for the spring 2009 annual review. I point out that this is a bit redundant, since I’ll be gone in December (if not sooner, should I happen to find actual work elsewhere…). She replies that she thought I’d like to have it, “since you’ve worked hard this year.” 

Over the weekend, it’s occurred to me that I probably wrote most or all of the annual review b.s. shortly before she canned me. So, after I shovel the first supplicant out of my office, I dig up this spring’s paperwork. And yea, verily: it’s already filled out and filed on my computer. Thank God!

Nine. Single-spaced. Pages. Of. Ten-point. Arial. Pointless. Circular. Repetitious. Meaningless. Palaver.

Why on earth would the woman want to subject herself to this nonsense over an employee who’s out the door? Why??? I’ll tell you why: because one of her higher-ups must have ordered her to do it! Left to her own devices, she’s not crazy.

This. This one, for a change, is not my doing. For annual reviews, the GDU bureaucracy makes employees answer a long series of specific written questions, many of them amazingly stupid, that ask you to find original ways to repeat yourself seven different ways from Sunday. The result is a jumble of garbage, a vast waste of time.

Well, thank God I’d already wasted my time before the ax fell, since I had plenty of constructive things to do today. Now it’s Her Deanship’s turn to waste some time.

Another meeting, this one of disaffected staffers. We lay out tentative plans for our workflow for the rest of our tenure at GDU. One employee describes the bizarre antics of the soon-to-be-ex-husband. Dear God…what is wrong with people? The guy makes GDU sound like a haven of sanity. Moving on, we come up with 87 gerjillion things for me to find out from our client editors.

SK describes a new freelance assignment. I’m to find and sign a contract returned to us by a guy who wants us to edit a religious tract. Back to my fault: I set it aside on Friday and blew it off.

I send out a flurry of e-mails to the client editors, by way of accomplishing the 87 gerjillion things. By now I’ve infected every member of my staff plus the Dean’s factotum, who presented herself for the first meeting. No doubt by Wednesday (commencement!) so many clones of my virus will be circulating through the campus population that I will, by proxy, infect the President of the United States of America. Talk about your six degrees of separation!

Flee! Early afternoon comes and I escape, stopping by a Yup Grocery for two packages of pretty good sushi, I suffering again, for the second day, from a great craving for soy sauce. Must be some sort of electrolyte imbalance. Home to consume the stuff with dos cervezas. 

E-mail from SDXB: the cops are reopening his daughter’s 15- or 20-year-old case, in which she was kidnapped from the GDU campus, hauled into the desert, tortured, and then set free (or she escaped, unclear which) after her car was torched—coincidentally on a ranch belonging to a friend of mine. My friend’s mother-in-law saw the fire and called the Highway Patrol, who rescued her after the perps had fled. Oh hell, why not? We haven’t had our fill of drama, have we?

I can’t stand it. I’m going back to bed.

Community Colleges: Baby-boomer nirvana

Next fall, I want to take 125 credits at Paradise Valley Community College. Think they’ll let me audit those? For those of us boomers who are into lifelong learning, this place is some sort of heaven. The English Department chair gave me a college catalogue, which I’ve been perusing with growing amazement and joy.

Some of these courses sound too wonderful for words.  Eight different courses on computer graphic art and design, starting with introductory and intermediate digital phtography and going thorugh computer animation, web-site design, and computer-aided graphic arts. Five courses in ceramic-making. Fifteen classes in drawing, painting, and watercolor. Wanna dance? There’s ballroom, swing, Latin, hip-hop, Middle-Eastern, West African, and Brazilian dancing! You can learn to speak Japanese and Chinese (why go or here?). Music in World Cultures….Rock Music and Culture. Private instruction in voice, jazz and classical piano, guitar, trumpet, French horn, trombone, tuba, flute, oboe, clarinet, bassoon, saxophone, violin, viola, violoncello, and contrabass. Or maybe you’d like to get fit: weight training; six courses in fitness; all sorts of group exercise sessions. And get this: you can earn college credit for going on one of several spectacularly scenic hikes! We have caving. We have canyoneering. We have rock climbing. We have mountain biking at Sedona. One credit each.

Then there are the anthro courses: Bones, Stones, and Human Evolution. Buried Cities and Lost Tribes (a semester each: Old World and New World). Magic, Witchcraft, and Healing: An Introduction to Comparative Healing.

After having edited a bunch of Poisoned Pen Press’s best detective novels, it’s occurred to me that I, too, could write those things. But…how to find out enough about detective work to do a decent job at it?

Well. A would-be detective writer could easily cobble together her own course of studies at PVCC. While we’re in the anthropology department, we could start with Introduction to Forensic Anthropology.

Survey of the role of forensic anthropologist, from the crime scene to the courtroom. Understand how a forensic anthropologist can determine life history of an individual. Contrubitions of forensic anthropology to crime scene and other legal investigation. How forensic anthropology is used to decipher historic cases, and how it is depicted in poular culture. Case studies involoving criminal investigations, mass disaster incidents, and global human right issues.

Prerequisites: none

Moving on to administration of justice, the wannabe crime writer can take a three-credit course in Serial Killers and Mass Murderers, and another called Forensic Pathology: Death Investigation (should fit right in with the forensic anthropology training). Then there’s plain old Criminology:

Study of deviance, society’s role in defining behavior; theories of criminality and the economic, social, and psychological impact of crime; relationship between statistics and crime trends. Examines crime victimization and the various types of crime and categories of offenders.

Prerequisites: None

Gosh. Think of that. There are no prereqs for any of these courses. You could actually learn enough to turn yourself into a pretty respectable crime writer.

The tuition is very reasonable: $71 per credit hour; $96 per hour if you want to audit. That’s only about $300 a course—four months of instruction. For dance, fitness, and outdoorsy activities, all one-credit courses, it’s a hundred bucks. You couldn’t get a guided hiking tour of Sedona for that price on the commercial market—and you sure couldn’t get sixteen sessions of dance instruction for that. Most dance studios don’t advertise their prices (if you have to ask, after all…); the Academy of Ballroom Dance charges $120 for just six lessons.

This is a bonanza for the retired and the frugal. At a very reasonable cost, you can develop a hobby, meet new friends, learn a new line of work, get fit. Why join a gym if you have a community college down the road? And why be bored?

Awesome. I can’t wait to get retired.

😀

Life at the Funny Farm: This and that

What a lovely quiet day here at the Funny Farm, as far away from the Great Desert University as one can get. Cassie and I hung out for an hour or so at the park, one of the nicest neighborhood parks in the city. I’ll try to remember to take the camera tomorrow.

Weekday mornings and afternoons, with the kids in school and most of the grown-ups at work, the park is almost empty, except for a few SAHMs playing with their toddlers on the climbing array and the swings. When the weather’s nice (which is most of the time), it’s a perfect bumhood retreat. I’ll need to get a new day pack (the old one wore out a couple years ago and, in the absence of hiking and camping, got tossed) so as to carry some drawing and painting gear over there, and maybe some fine iced tea.

Gardening  

dcp_2463From there it was off to Baker’s Nursery to pick up some flats of dichondra. Last time I was there, two or three weekends ago, they had flats of woolly thyme, which I craved to plant between the flagstones off the back patio. Those were gone, so I had to settle for dichondra, though I did find a few small pots of woolly thyme among the herbs, plus some delicate Corsican mint, a couple of low-growing perennials, and two sprigs of hugely invasive and practically unkillable myrtle. The flags, which until recently hosted a little dichondra and a lot of flowering burr clover, were invaded this winter by a noxious little weed that turned into a wiry, ugly mat and killed off the more pleasant weeds. 

Beer Ice Cream

dcp_2461Before turning to the twin projects of digging up the rest of the weeds and planting the new stuff, I tossed together a nice lunch of spaghetti with walnuts, fresh tomato, and basil. At this point I discovered that placing a cold beer into the new deep freezer for as long as it takes to boil a pot of spaghetti and then pouring it into a frozen mug results in a delectable, ice-cold slushy. Very nice!

And so to luncheon on the back patio, where gazing at the new crop of Meyer lemons forming on the tree out back led to a rumination on…

Flat Lemon Juice

Yes. I finally had to pick the last of this spring’s bumper crop of huge lemons, larger than the oranges—some were as big as small grapefruits. Squeezing them produced large quantities of lemon juice. 

At first I started freezing the stuff in muffin tins, a quarter-cup per container. These chunks will be handy for cooking. Just now I have two large freezer bags full of them.

dcp_24491

 

Then SDXB remarked that pouring the juice, a cup at a time, into small ziplock bags and laying them flat to freeze is a much handier way to store the stuff. It freezes into a thin, flat layer. To use a teaspoonful or a tablespoonful, all you have to do is open the bag and break off a small amount. This way you don’t have to defrost more than you need. Tried this. It works.

dcp_2448

So now I have another couple bags of lemon juice in this format. Shouldn’t have to buy any lemons before the next crop comes ripe!

 

 

 

Cultiver Notre Jardin

dcp_2453The iris came up prettily this spring. The new ones sport an interesting color combination of gold and violet. They didn’t last long—a single 100-degree day fried them.

However, the short blast of summer heat tricked the Easter lily cactus into thinking it was time to bloom, and so it produced its own brief display of startling color.             
 
So it goes.

dcp_2456

Consider the Lilies of the Field

They toil not, neither do they spin. This first day of peremptorily claimed vacation offers a tantalizing view of what life will be like in unemployment. Think of it:

Day after day of hanging out at the park, walking or bicycling the canal, schmoozing with friends, visiting nurseries (and botanical gardens and museums and free midday concerts , tending to one’s garden, puttering in the kitchen. 

How can I count the ways that I can’t wait?

🙂