Springtime, and the Morons Are Swarming

PHOENIX, March 13, 2012; 6:25 p.m. What a day. Been on the road most of my waking hours, and I swear to God every moron in the city has been there with me. They swarm, like ants and termites in search of new nests. We have the ones who…

• hang in the fast lane at 35 to 40 mph, dragging a long tail of frustrated drivers after them;
• move into the slow lane and then pace the parade, so no one can get around either them or the moron at the head of the line;
• dart in front of you (ye who cruise at an elevated rate of speed in the fast lane), slam on the brakes, and turn left;
• choose the most packed moment of High Rush Hour to try to turn left out of the Safeway parking lot onto GLENDALE FREAKING AVENUE, one of the busiest streets in the city;
• jay-run (yes, that’s right: on foot!) across five lanes of GLENDALE FREAKING AVENUE, yes, in High Rush Hour, daring at least six homicidal drivers to run him down;
• swerve across three lanes of NINETEENTH FREAKING AVENUE, a conduit of blight into any number of terrifying slums that are home to any number of gang-bangers, drug dealers, prostitute runners, and sociopaths, daring all comers to dent their front ends by running them deservedly down; . . .

Oh, God. That’s not even an exhaustive list. It’s just a sampler.

Fourteen things resided on my to-do list this morning. Not unreasonable for Spring Break, eh? One would expect this to be a species of short vacation.

• Mail corporate tax returns to State of Arizona, which is not set up (unsurprisingly…) to receive digital returns from corporations
• Ask [Financial Dude] what happened to the paperwork from the Arizona Board of Regents Fidelity Fund, which was supposed to have surfaced two weeks ago, pursuant to the plan to roll over the remnants of my 403(b) into my big IRA, there to be managed sanely
• Move $225 from Money Market Checking to ordinary boring Checking to cover [Tax Accountant’s] fee
• Enter this in Quickbooks
• Meet client’s underling, receive roughly proofread document
• Read copy
• Download GoToMeeting software at client’s behest
• Learn how to use GoToMeeting software
• Engage in three-way conference call via GoToMeeting
• E-deposit nuisancey $7.50 check arrived from organizers of some strange class action suit.
• Enter this in Quickbooks
• In Paypal, move $120 to Tina’s account, to cover recent editorial job
• Enter this in Quickbooks
• Order pair of shoes via Footprints

Ugh. of these fourteen items, nine got done.

Not on the list?

• Drive to usual propane purveyer, two-thirds of the way to Costco, to refill gas barbecue cylinder
• Be told by sleazy-looking dude at gas station that cylinder is out of date & I have to buy a new one
• Tell S-L-D to f*** off, in only slightly oblique terms
• Look up current gas cylinder regulations; see no clue that 8- or 10-year-0ld propane cylinder must be replaced
• Schlep to U-Haul, nearest purveyer of propane, located in a dark slum
• Be told by U-Haul dude that indeed propane cylinders d’un certain age cannot be refilled; be advised that K-Marts will trade them out.
• Drive through the skin-crawling slum that borders my neighborhood to get to the low-rent K-Mart near my house.
• Do battle with astonishing morons in parking lot to get into the K-Mart.
• Trade old, empty propane cylinder for new, full K-Mart recycling program cylinder. Pay $21 (plus tax) for the privilege.
• Note that new K-Mart cylinder, while full, is light enough for me to carry despite considerable back pain from latest series of muscle spasms.
• Note that new K-Mart cylinder is smaller than the other empty propane cylinder, identical to the traded-in number
• Return home to see Message Waiting light blinking on phone.
• Press button to check messages. Hear…

“Funny, this is [Accountant]. We have a problem. PLEASE CALL ME RIGHT AWAY!”

• Fight back dog.
• Dial [Accountant]

“The IRS rejected your corporate tax return. They said the EIN didn’t match their records for the S-corporation. It’s the same EIN your previous tax accountant used, but apparently it was wrong. I need a power of attorney so I can call them to straighten that out, and I need a copy of your SS-4 form from when you incorporated.”

[Obscenity redacted.] “Okay. I’ll be right over.

• Unearth old forms and bureaucratic paperwork.
• Hire a donkey to haul this to [Accountant]
• Meet. Discuss. Stagger away.
• Return to Funny Farm; let dogs out.
• Reinstall full propane cylinder in barbecue; test for leaks
• Write post for Adjunctorium
• Decide to PLUNGE HEADFIRST off wagon; drive to Safeway to purchase bottle of wine, along the way encountering still more swarms of moron drivers
• Microwave Costco lamb shank and leftover pasta; fix salad; pour large glass of wine
• Drink substantial quantity of wine before M’hijito shows up

I think I left the cork out of the wine bottle. I think I failed to feed the Corgi. I think I didn’t wash the dishes. And so, to rectify those errors, and thence to bed…

P.S. Not quite… Forgot about the load of laundry I left sitting in the washer…

• 8:45 p.m.: Load wet clothes into dryer, turn to “Air Dry” to shake out wrinkles
• 9:00 p.m.: Wrinkles shaken, haul out damp clothes; hang or lay flat to finish drying
• 9:11 p.m.: Place corgi on bed. Attempt (again) to get ready for and go to bed.