Coffee heat rising

Was Dorothy Parker prescient?

Remember this Dorothy Parker poem?

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

The title is, hilariously enough, “Résumé.”

Tell me she didn’t foresee the joys of entering résumé details into online job application forms.
😀

Well, yesterday afternoon I learned another way to get quick access to medical care: say (or even just imply) that you’re considering offing yourself. I called to make an appointment with my favorite medico at the Mayo, by way of trying to wangle some antidepressants from the guy. I’m wrecking my jaw and hearing with the tooth-clenching, which has returned with a vengeance; some sites say antidepressants sometimes will cause that quirk to back off. To get in to a Mayo doctor, you have to wriggle past a gatekeeper with the melodramatic title of “triage nurse.”

So I’m explaining the situation and trying to persuade her that the stress level is such that I do need to see my doctor. She asks me if I’ve been considering suicide, and without thinking I answer that the thought has crossed my mind (which indeed it has: sure would resolve a lot of problems!).

Hee hee! Freaked her right out. So now I have an appointment this afternoon. This, despite my having reassured her that I was not serious. Maybe I could’ve gotten in yesterday afternoon if I’d remarked in passing that the birds were mightycute out there on the window ledge.

Spending big before the layoff

In a deliciously Kafkaesque moment,yesterday noon I was fêted for my fifteen-year longevity at Our Beloved Employer: lunch out; a fine piece of paper with maroon and gold print on it, suitable for framing; and another cheap maroon-and-gold pin with a chip of a semiprecious stone in it.

LOL! I could hock my whole collection of cheap GDU pins for enough to buy about an ounce of Starbuck’s coffee.

What the heck. I ordered the most expensive meal on the menu: three sea scallops and a spinach salad.
w. 0. 0. t.

Next door to the overpriced restaurant, however, is an overpriced shoe store, the one whose clutches I evaded when Frugal Scholar clued me to Footprints. That outfit carries some very fine purses, none of which I have found for sale on the Web. Of late, I’ve been carrying a canvas shopping bagas a purse(a nice canvas shopping bag…). It’s getting a bit tatty. I really needed a new purse, all my old ones having surpassed the shopping bag’s state of tattiness. Realizing that after I’m laid off, a plasticene-leather tote from Target will be about the best I can afford, I ran in there and grabbed a mighty fine piece of style. Two hundred fifty buckolas! But I’ve got it in savings, set aside for exactly this sort of indulgence. And since the budget is $425 to the good, anyway, I can afford it out of cash flow.

Having that little gem sitting on the floor next to me was a bit of a comfort as I was pretending to be polite while sandwiched between Her Deanship and two of the institution’s most ruthless vice-presidents.

This is one of about a half-dozen items that need to get done or purchased while I still have some money. Videlicet:
-New close-up glasses
-Composter
-Security door for back entrance (or at least a decent screen door)
-Solid-core door for office, with strong deadbolt
-Painting the Investment House
-Resuscitating the yard at the Investment House

Glasses:In August we’ll have an open enrollment. At that time I could sign up for the university’s vision plan (assuming it’s still offered). If I delay getting glasses till fall, this would allow me to pick up a cheap pair before I’m canned in December. They use one of those nationwide chains of optical stores, which has a bad reputation. In Arizona you’re prohibited from buying a pair of glasses without getting an eye exam, which is not covered by health insurance and which I can’t afford just now (read, “because I highly resent that!”). All I need is a back-up pair, so I suppose they don’t have to be the best in the world.

Composter: I dearly miss the wonderful composter drum La Bethulia gave me. Smith & Hawkin has a similar bin, only it’s on wheels. That would be convenient. The one drawback to the deceased was that getting the compost out and hauling it across the yard to the various gardens and gigantic pots could be a chore. Problem: Smith & Hawkin wants more than $200 for this wonder.

Security: The kitchen door is the most vulnerable entrance to the house. To break in, all you need to do is tap out a glass pane, reach in, and unlock the door. The vinyl screen door is a flimsy piece of junk that won’t even keep out the flies. The locksmith suggested that if you use a room as an office, you can keep all your computer gear in there plus a safe with other valuables, and then put a deadbolt on that room’s door. Every time you leave the house, lock the door. Since the Mac is the only thing I own of any real value, that strikes me as a good idea. The interior door, however, is an airy thing that I could punch through myself with one swift kick, and so it will have to be replaced with a sturdier model.

Paint: I probably could paint part of the investment house myself. But I don’t have the physical strength to do the eaves and back patio. Greg the Handyman wants $1,500 to do the job, about $600 more than Bila the Bosnian Painter’s bid. I’m thinking we need to call Bila and get that done while we can afford it.

Yard: With Gerardo’s help, I probably could do a fair amount of upgrade to the Investment House’s wrecked landscaping myself. Gerardo would need to regrade the driveway and lay new gravel. Ideally, we should jackhammer up the pathetic walkway, but I think I can pretty that up simply by laying a bed of river rock next to it. For not very much, Gerardo would till and seed the front lawn, a major improvement. I think some blue fescue or something along those lines would grow under the carob tree, and a second tree strategically planted near the unhappy walkway would cast enough shade on the front window to save a few air-conditioning dollars. In the back, I intend to build another vegetable garden for my use, since I’ve run out of growing space at my own house. As long as I’m gardening back there, I might as well build a couple of brick-on-sand or flag-on-sand patios, too.

Taken together, these will add up to some bucks. But if I string them out over the next few months, I should be able to afford most of it without having to raid savings. Especially if, as hoped, Scottsdale and Paradise Valley community colleges hire me and max out the number of courses I can teach for the district next fall: the net of about five grand will go directly into savings, easing the need for me to pinch pennies between now and the New Year’s Eve layoff.

A Close Brush with Financial Disaster

Some years ago, I came very close to jumping off the financial cliff: I seriously considered buying a 100-year-old bed-and-breakfast in Flagstaff, Arizona. I was reminded of this episode by a post at Manely Montana, a blog whose proprietor runs an inn that appears to be very beautiful. All so idyllic.

innat410The Inn at 410 occupied a fine old building, an elegant Victorian house in the middle of Flagstaff’s gentrifying downtown. It was owned by a couple who had moved to Flag several years earlier, having long dreamed of living in a small town. He was a successful businessman—had an MBA and ran the family business in Chicago for many years. At one point, the house had been a Northern Arizona University frat house, and as you can imagine it was quite a mess when the students were done with it. It was, however, a historic house in the center of what was once the town’s ritziest district, formerly inhabited by movers and shakers, some of whom went on to do some moving & shaking on a national level.

They renovated the house to the nines. At the time I stumbled upon it in connection with a story I was writing for Arizona Highways, it was just lovely. Because of the article, they comped me a couple of weekends. I was enchanted.

For a number of years I’d been teaching in a nontenurable position at the Great Desert University’s unhappy west campus. The job was underpaid and the workload was obscene—often I put in 70- and 80-hour weeks, with no overtime pay, and I spent my unpaid summers preparing the following year’s courses. When I started, it was an upper-division and graduate-level campus serving older students, and so the teaching wasn’t intolerable. But now the university was converting the campus to a four-year institution, and suddenly I was being expected to teach freshman English, a task that in the academic world ranks slightly below cleaning the toilets. I had not signed on to teach freshmen, and many years before, after TAing my way through graduate school, I had pledged that I would go on welfare before I taught freshman comp again.

If that weren’t enough, the atmosphere on the campus was toxic. Morale had taken up permanent residence in the sub-basement: everyone was miserable, from the provost’s office on down. At one point two of my colleagues came close to a fist-fight. We kept driving young faculty insane, quite literally. One of my students, a cop, blurted out that she had arrested one of my wacko fellow professors for beating up a young boy—and that guy was not the only one who took a swan-dive off the deep end. We were all swimming in the deep end, truth be told, and I wanted to get out of the water in the worst way.

So I was on the job market. For a time, I’d been applying to anything and everything I thought I might conceivably, by any stretch of the imagination, persuade an employer I could do. But there were never many jobs for the likes of moi, and as I grew older, fewer presented themselves.

A year or so before I made the acquaintance of the Inn at 410’s proprietors, I had fallen in love with Santa Fe. I would have killed to live there. In fact, I applied for a job at a private college there and was told that I was decidedly not their type. I considered applying for an opening at the city newspaper, but the pay was far too low to support anyone in that expensive venue. While I was wandering around the town, I came across a busy, successful bed-and-breakfast near the downtown area. Its owner took time to chat for a few minutes and said that she and her husband had always dreamed of living in Santa Fe—owning an inn was the only way they could afford it, since the place provided them a place to live as well as a living. They were, she claimed, very happy.

So, when the owner of the Flagstaff inn told me that he and his wife wanted to sell the place, he got my attention in a big way.

I started to think seriously about buying the business. Although I had no spouse to help and was not about to get one, Northern Arizona University had a world-class hospitality program. The inn had hired one of its senior-level students as its full-time maitre-d’ and general factotum. The guy was good, and it was clear that he was doing much of the heavy lifting. The proprietors spent a great deal of time hiking, volunteering for The Nature Conservancy, and hob-nobbing with the town’s business class. They would show up to supervise the cooking of breakfast and socialize with guests, and then they were outta there. The grass on their side of the fence looked mighty green.

In the course of considering this scheme, I became friendly with the young man, who clued me to a number of issues, not the least of which was the amount of work and expense entailed in maintaining a century-old building. Not long before, he revealed, they had had to jack up the structure (!) and rebuild its foundation to keep it from collapsing. The place had over a dozen rooms, each of which had to be cleaned and restocked every day—assuming you could keep them occupied. The kitchen was actually a licensed restaurant, with all the regulatory and tax issues that entailed. There was lots more, too.

On the other hand, because it was a business, the Inn made life virtually tax-free for its owners. They lived on the property, meaning the business paid the cost of their quarters. The business owned their vehicle. The business paid their salary. The business paid for their groceries. The business bought their health insurance. Clearly, setting up your entire life as a business had its advantages.

But on the other other hand… After a while I noticed that the proprietors didn’t spend a lot of time together. When the breakfast rush ended, he went off to spend most of the day hiking and bicycling. She disappeared in some other direction. Why, I wondered, did they want out of this arrangement if it was as idyllic as he claimed? I began to suspect that all was not beer and skittles in Paradise. Could it be that their marriage was strained as a result of the stress and demands of running a very public, very work-intensive operation from which they evidently had no easy escape?

When I sat down with the guy to discuss a deal, he offered to sell the inn for something over a million dollars. My house was paid for, and it was worth about a fifth of that—enough to make a down payment. The economy was good at the time, and I would have had no trouble getting a business loan to cover the rest of the sale price. He offered to hang around for a year on a consultant basis, to assist me in learning the business and to help keep it going until I could develop the experience and expertise to operate the inn on my own.

It wasn’t a bad offer. But a million and a half bucks? Wow! It did give one pause.

It gave one a long enough pause to look at other inns that were on the market…and to discover that most of them had been for sale for years. Even in some of the most spectacular and desirable areas of the country, bed and breakfasts do not sell quickly. In other words, if this scheme didn’t work, there was no easy escape plan.

Further investigation showed that one of the reasons the couple wanted to sell—besides the one I suspected to be their real motive—was that a long drought was devastating the tourist business in Flagstaff. The town’s main draw as a tourist venue is not the Grand Canyon, which is a long way off, but a small ski area on the nearby dormant volcano. Although tourists pass through Flag on the way to the Canyon, relatively few of them stay there. They stay at the lodges around the Canyon itself, of course. No snow meant no tourists.

Global warming was already being talked up, and some people (such as the Nature Conservancy types the proprietor hung out with) were predicting that the drought would be a permanent fixture. If that was so, Flagstaff—and the Inn at 410—was withering on the vine.

Looked like Bankruptcy City to me. I declined the offer.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I had bought the inn. Other times…well, I can just imagine! I think I made the right decision. It’s never a good idea to get into something without a credible escape plan, and “no credible escape plan” described that scheme to a T.

NAU announced it would its hospitality program, shutting the spigot on quality low-cost hired help. The drought continued for several more years, spurring a massive die-off of the ponderosa forest that covers northern Arizona. Each summer brings huge and dangerous wildfires, some of which encroach on Flagstaff itself. And of course, now that we’re in a deprecession, the hospitality industry in general is suffering.

I managed to escape teaching and land in a decently paid editorial job. It’s boring as hell, but it is a job. Though I’m sure life as an innkeeper would have been interesting, it might have been a bit too interesting. I’m glad I looked before I leaped.

No Crash Here: Riches in the Department of What Matters

Spring has sprung in these parts. The weather—never bad this winter, really—has been spectacular for the past several weeks. Everything is in blossom. At this time of year, the citrus perfumes the air like frangipani in the South Pacific islands. It reminds us that our strange, abstract human constructs of “wealth” are so silly as to be meaningless. Does losing a quarter million bucks in real estate and the stock market really matter when far more believable riches surround us?

Click on the image for a full-size view.Click again for a mega-view.Captions show only at the site, not in the RSS feed.

Wonderful as flowers are, I’m planting a lot more vegetables in the garden. That chard borders the pool, and probably will grow there through the summer. Soon its neighbors, the beets and carrots, will be ready to harvest. Meanwhile, yesterday in a part of the yard that gets more sun I put in some cantaloupe and some butternut squash, which I hope will grow from grocery-scavenged seeds.As times grow even harder, food is going to be more expensive; possibly even scarce. So, the flowers will have to make way for things that can be eaten.

The yard already has plenty of that: I’ve been scarfing tree-ripened oranges for the past two and a half months, and now the oranges, lemon, and lime are all covered with new blossoms. Next winter will see another bumper crop of citrus, I think.

Those oranges are sweet as candy. Eat your heart out, Warren Buffett!

Cost-effective ride?

lightrailexteriorlgOur brand-new light rail system is already raising its price per ride. Hasn’t been running two months, and the price is going up a buck, from $1.25 (one way!) to $2.25. I’m sure that won’t be the first increase.

The other evening one of my RAs, who doesn’t own a car, rode the train up to M’hijito’s house to meet me so I could chauffeur him to an Arizona Book Publishing Association shindig. He said it took an hour to get from lovely downtown Tempe to the corner of Seventh Avenue and Camelback. That’s a 20-minute drive in your car.

At the current rate, would it be cost-effective for me to ride the train, once the city has torn down an entire row of homes and trashed the property values in my neighborhood so they can run the train tracks up the road that demarcates this neighborhood from the bland slums just to the west? Assuming the rate stays the same, at $5 per round trip?

Let us calculate:

My house is 18 miles from the campus. Coincidentally, my car gets about 18 miles a gallon if I’m not hypermiling. (If I drive very carefully, I can push it up to around 25 mpg, but let’s assume I’m keeping up with traffic and not driving my fellow homicidal drivers crazier than they already are.)

Assume gas prices stay at $1.70 a gallon. Assume the train ride stays at $2.25 one-way, $5.00 round trip. Because I have a disabled parking sticker, I can park in any metered space in Tempe for free, so I do not pay GDU’s $780/year parking fee. Let’s also assume I go out to campus 5 days a week and I take 3 weeks of vacation time.

Thus: The cost of gas for a round trip is $3.40 a day. I commute 5 days a week for 49 weeks, or 245 days a year.

$3.40 x 245 = $833 a year: Cost of driving for a person with a disabled sticker.
$833 + $780 = $1,613 a year: Cost of driving for a person who has not discovered you can park for free with a disabled sticker, or who buys a parking space within a mile of the office

Okay. If the train costs $5.00 per round trip:

$5 x 245 = $1,225 a year: Cost of riding the train

Not too bad: only $392 a year more than I’m presently paying. That doesn’t take into account the wear and tear on my car. However, my car, being a Toyota, does not cost anywhere near $392 a year for upkeep and repairs.

It also doesn’t take into account the two hours you would spend in transit: 80 minutes more time wasted in transit than you would kill sitting in an automobile each day. That’s 19,600 minutes a year, 326.67 more hours of your life wasted in a train than in a car!

Does anyone seriously think people are going to ride this train for real commutes from the outer reaches of the Valley? If I bought a house in one of the now-bankrupt new suburbs out by the White Tanks or halfway to Prescott, the number of miles I would have to commute would triple. So would the time spent in transit.

In the unlikely event that the train fare stays constant, clearly the longer your commute the more you would save on gas. However, the end of the line will be about six blocks from my house. If you lived out at the White Tanks or up in Anthem, you’d have to drive all the way into the middle of town, anyway. By the time you get this far, you only have another 20 minutes to drive. Your air-conditioning has made the car nice and cool, and the Park-&-Ride will sit smack in the middle of a high-crime area where your car is likely to be broken into or stolen.

What would you do: park your car in a dangerous lot in 115-degree heat and add another hour to your commute, or keep on truckin’?

The cleaning lady jamboree

Having laid off the two women who landed a cleaning job here at the Funny Farm by leaving their Kwik-Kopied business card on the door, I decided to run the vacuum cleaner and clean the 1,860 square feet of tile that is the floors.

Ah, cleaning ladies. How quickly one forgets (after only 15 years or so) why it’s sometimes (usually) better to do it yourself.

In a pinch, a wire tie substitutes for a bolt.

So I grab the vacuum cleaner…and the handle falls off.

Ah hah! That’s where that bolt on the floor came from…a month and a half ago. After searching around for a couple of weeks, I couldn’t figure out what it fell out of. Eventually I either put it away where I could never find it again or threw it out.

Wired the handle to the vacuum cleaner. Swept all the tile. Then dust-mopped, preparatory to steam-cleaning. Last time the ladies were here, they announced that they didn’t like the steam-cleaner and instead wanted to use a good old-fashioned string mop. That was when they applied something like a gallon of Simple Green to my floors.

No wonder they didn’t want to use a steamer. One of the cleaners, the old one that worked the best, was clogged to nonfunctionality: looked like they’d left water sitting in its tank, where it evaporated and filled all the vents with calcium deposits. Poured some vinegar in there to soak and used the other unit, which I’d purchased as a back-up.

A microfiber cloth jury-rigged to the steamer works better than the steamer's wimpy pad.

Normally a steamer floats over a ceramic tile floor like a planchette on a ouija board. But with a gallon of detergent smeared on the floor, it was like pushing the thing over a rubber mat: tacky and gummy. The microfiber rag I’d wrapped around the cleaner came up black and gooey after running it over just one room—normally, one rag will do for the entire house. A second go-over saturated another rag with black, gooey gunk.

Six blackened rags later… Now I figure swabbing the floor with vinegar may cut some of the dried-on detergent. Pour some white vinegar into a bucket and dilute, 50-50, with water. Wrap another microfiber rag around the Swiffer gadget and apply the stuff to the tiles. Steam.

Eight blackened rags later… Well, I doubt if the floors are free of gunk. Gray stuff was still coming up on the fourth steam-scrubbing. But at least the streaks are gone. My guess is that over the next few weeks, if I clean the floors once or twice a week, eventually the stuff will come up.

After all that floor scrubbing, tomorrow it’s supposed to rain.

The wages of stupidity! This adventure is the result of having forgotten one of Funny’s Ten Money Principles:
Do It Yourself!