Funny about Money

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. ―Edmund Burke

The Great Closet Winnowing

So I’ve been thinking for awhile that it’s time to clean out the closets. Even if I hadn’t been gifted with a fine new body style, it would be time to shovel out the increasingly decrepit clothing. But now that some of the stuff will never fit again, one feels moved to tidiness.

Surprisingly, most of the stuff looks OK. A few tops look pretty grotesque, but others drape nicely and create a slender, athletic effect. It’s impossible to tell which will do what, though, simply by looking at them. They have to be tried on.

Even so, the tops that don’t adapt themselves to a certain boy-like verticality are happy when worn over falsies — yea verily, some look markedly better than they did before. 😀

Problem is, quite a few of them hurt. As it develops, a burning or tingling sensation in response to the touch of fabric on the skin can persist for quite some time after the surgical incision has healed. This apparently is the result of dissected nerves regenerating. For many women, the effect goes away after some months. But one of WonderSurgeon’s nurses told me that for some women, it never disappears.


So some of these old shirts are headed for the recycler or the thrift shop. Which ones, though, remains to be seen. Mostly, it seems the type of no-iron, no-dry-clean knit pullover I favor is particularly irritating. But you can’t tell just by looking at them: some shirts that look like they ought to set your teeth on edge have no effect at all. Some that should be comfortable hurt.

Rather than try on every single one of the darn things, I decided to set aside all the pieces I know hurt or think might be uncomfortable and sequester them for about three months, by which time this condition should have passed, if it’s going to pass. Three months from now is the middle of May.

Hence, stage 1: set apart all all the suspect garments.

Meanwhile, over time the closet contents have gotten massively jumbled: winter clothes mixed in with lightweight summer stuff, grubby gardening rags with nice dresses and skirts.

So, stage 2: sort the stuff out!

The winter stuff went into the back-room closet, along with the potential throw-aways. The summer stuff got moved into the bedroom closet, along with the precious collection of Costco jeans. Voila! Ready for the next season!

An ongoing annoyance with those closets has been the inevitable jumble that results from stuffing clean laundry back in there. Every time I shovel these things out, the mess grows back like kudzu. Within two weeks, it’s a jungle in there. Again.

The challenge calls for a full OCD charge. And nobody can do OCD better than I can…

Stage 3: regiment the clothes hangers!

Masking tape strips on the hanger racks mark out sections by clothing type: jeans, casual shirts, better shirts, dresses & skirt, and on and on. Added some labels to remind me to quit jamming stuff in higgledy-piggledy. And since I know I won’t remember the scheme to test the suspect tops all the way until the middle of next May, I put the date on a label over that high-style collection. With any luck at all, the tag will remind me to go through that stuff and get rid of the stuff that can’t be used anymore.

O’course, that assumes I’ll look in a closet full of winter clothes on a day when the temperature’s hovering around 100 degrees…


Author: funny

This post may be a paid guest contribution.


  1. I adore cleaning out closets. I even like helping friends do it. I have my clothes separated by season, sleeve length and color. Also a travel section and a “will I ever fit into these again?” section.

    What can I say? We all have our idiosyncrasies.

  2. Of course I have a calling. I’m a clothing organizing savant. 😀

    But will anyone pay me for it?