Is it possible for a glimmer to be dark? Here’s what I mean…
I consider the prospect of advanced old age to be extremely dim. You’re old, you’re sick, you hurt all over your body, and you’re alone. Because our culture does not promote caring for aged adults en famille, you’re probably going to spend the last years of your life in an institution—at best a life-care community that provides a simulacrum of independence, at worst a nursing home that’s really an expensive prison for the infirm and the frail. I’m not looking forward to it. Indeed, I so don’t look forward to it that I quietly hope not to live more than another ten or, at most, fifteen years.
Last night some choir friends invited me to join them as a guest at a meeting of the church’s social group for the radically aged. It was something to do…well, it fit in with the new scheme to get out of the house. So I went to dinner with them at the church.
It started out as a quiet evening. Most of the folks there were pleasant enough but reserved; they looked like they felt less than thrilled to be there but, like me, had nothing better to do. After a while, though, perhaps under the influence of a little wine, the people at my table started to chat. Turned out they had interesting things to say not only about their own wide experiences but about current events and phenomena. So it turned out to be a nice enough thing to do.
What struck me about the group was that we had a roomful of very elderly people—most, I’d guess, were in their 80s—who are living in their own homes. Unlike my father, who checked himself into a life-care community called Orangewood immediately after my mother died (he had been lobbying her to go there before she fell ill, but she resisted), none of these folks seemed to feel they need the shelter of an institution to get on with their waning lives. Nor do any of them appear to be dependent on their adult children. They’ve managed to preserve their autonomy in various ways, and evidently those ways are working.
I used to think my father could have engineered most of Orangewood’s benefits at a lot less cost without having to give up his freedom. For example:
• He could have moved from his house into a smaller apartment or condo, eliminating yard care and reducing the amount of housework.
• For a very reasonable price, he could have hired a housekeeper to clean said smaller space once every two weeks, the same frequency he got at the old-folkery.
• He could have stocked his freezer and refrigerator with prepared meals from Costco and Trader Joe’s, as these folks reported doing. This would eliminate the need to go to a communal dining hall every day for a bad meal of starchy, salty, sugary steam-table food.
• For what Orangewood cost by the month, he could have hired a taxicab to schlep him from pillar to post every day of his remaining life, mooting the concern about not being able to drive in old age.
• Orangewood had hobby rooms, a pool, and a limited array of other small amenities. But he already lived in Sun City, whose amenities by comparison are vast. And, for residents, free: no need to fork over an “endowment” of your entire life’s savings.
The only advantage Orangewood provided, for the $30,000 buy-in fee and the $1,000+ monthly fee, was guaranteed access to a decent nursing home. Unhappy experience showed that, at least in the Phoenix area, getting access to even vaguely acceptable nursing care when you actually need it is damned near impossible. Consequently, it does make sense to put oneself in line for a nursing home well in advance of need. However…the trade-off that you have to make for the privilege is huge.
Some time in the near future, I’m going to have to think about unloading this house and moving someplace that requires lots less maintenance. I’d like to wait until the real estate market turns around, if it ever does. M’hijito and I will have to figure out what to do about the upside-down investment we made before I can do anything. And I’d like to wait until my son decides where he’s going to be if and when he finishes his proposed graduate program. If he goes back to San Francisco, then I probably would be better off moving to Sun City than staying in the decrepifying central districts of Phoenix. Sun City is safer, it has more amenities for the elderly, and the surrounding infrastructure is newer and more upscale.
But those concerns aside, finding a bunch of really older people who are managing to take care of themselves just fine, thank you, is encouraging.
Image:
Diego Grez, “My Grandfather.” Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported, 2.5 Generic, 2.0 Generic and 1.0 Generic license
Extremely thoughtful post. All this has been on my mind for years and I’m “only” 61. I’m trying not to become obsessed with worry about my really senior years, but it can be difficult.
I think you’re correct in dealing with one issue at a time.
My in-laws–now just my father-in-law–moved near my sister-in-law. They pay her for their care. They did buy too large a house and piece of property for their needs, but the care part seems fine. And, by paying their daughter, fair.
I worry alot about overwhelming my adult children with my needs, physical and emotional. I don’t want to start a huge controversy but I have noticed that adult male childen seem less interested in their parents’ welfare than females. And I have two sons
@ E. Murphy: LOL! My mother used to say that when you have a daughter, you have a daughter forever, and when you have a son, you have him for 18 years. That’s probably to be expected — a young man should cleave to his wife, and in our culture anything that even whiffs of continued dependence elicits nasty catcalls from the man’s peers.
@ frugalscholar: Some long-term care policies include a provision to train and pay relatives to give you in-home care. Now all we need to do is marry our sons off to good-natured young women who are long on altruisim. 😉
Yes, yes, yes to good natured daughters in law. My youngest just married an open hearted social worker. There may be hope for me after all. 🙂
I suggested last year to sell your house and move in with your son, well, now times have changed and continue to decline. As you wrote last week, 2010 will be thought of as the good ol’ days, probably all too true.
Just enjoy your house and pool, all we really have is today.
For someone that seems so upbeat and happy I am shocked you feel that way about your later years.
I love hanging out with The Wife’s grandmother the stories that she tells me are fantastic!
Everyone is different. There are things we cannot control and things we can. But I’d like you to know that my Dad lived to the age of 97. And was fully self-sufficient in his own home until age 94. I moved in and cared for him then, but all he really needed was someone to keep an eye on him. I did cook for him but he was capable of getting a meal for himself if needed. I did drive him to the grocery store and doctor visits, but before I was there he had the senior citizen bus to pick him up and drive him around. He was sharp as a tack up to the end and was such an interesting and wise person. He also had quite a few friends (much younger than he was) who enjoyed visiting with him. So don’t write yourself off so quickly, Funny. Live your life and see where it takes you!
@ Evan and Deedee: Don’t be frightened. It’s normal for people to lose their fear of death in old age. Dying, after all, is just part of living.
It’s fine to live happily into one’s 90s if one is reasonably healthy and can maintain one’s dignity. When you’re too ill to care for yourself, you’re neither well nor dignified…indeed, you’re miserable. The determination to keep people alive past the hour when it’s time for them to go creates more misery.
My father told me repeatedly that if he had known how much he was going to suffer after his heart attack and triple bypass surgery (at the age of 80!), he would never have called for help. He was not a depressive man; to the contrary. But he was a realistic man.
I do not know anyone who is elderly, myself included, who does not hurt from top to bottom with minor aches and pains. Wearing out is painful, to say nothing of an unholy nuisance. Why would anyone want to prolong life through increasing pain until life is no longer worth living? That doesn’t make sense.
Orangewood is now the Terraces and +$1,000 no longer covers it. Beatitudes is a good second choice. You are not even close to needing such places- but I think your father was probably wise to choose it for himself.
Once a person really NEEDS it – the choices shrink quickly and become out of financial reach.
I wouldn’t live in Sun City- I would go for a patio home in an area of town you know well. We are encouraging mom to stay in her house (central Phoenix) as long as she can. She has friends there and that is everything. The city provides a door to door service with the bus system- when you qualify. My dad used taxis- not good. He was often left hanging and drivers rarely spoke English.
The ready made meals are a great idea. I have my mom on home grocery delivery by Safeway on line.
We think about what we will do when we get “too old”. We moved to a new city in our late 50’s. I’m thinking we will head back to Phoenix or Tucson- warmth and family are near by. I miss Flagstaff.
Great to come along this great blog. Keep up the good work!
@ Jan: Actually, the figure that sticks in my mind was $1,500. He and his wife were paying as much for three cramped, dark rooms and two icky steam-table meals a day as we paid for our 5-bedroom house on a third of an acre of prime North Central real estate. That was almost 20 years ago, though. I imagine by now it’s well over what I could afford, which is around $2,000.
Dial-a-Ride is no longer available to the merely elderly. The city canceled service to elders; it’s now used only for people certified with severe disabilities. So if she’s not in a wheelchair or barely able to hobble around, she’s not using Dial-a-Ride…if you’re out of town, she may not have mentioned this to you, so you might check into it.
The problem with most patio homes in this area is that they’re all on main drags. That makes them very noisy. If I’m going to be smack in the middle of traffic and noise, I think I’d rather be in one of the new mid- and high-rises downtown. This would be a good time to grab one: they’re practically giving the things away.
🙂 I hope you’ll move back to Phoenix. If you buy instead of renting, this is the opportunity of a lifetime. Incredibly nice houses are on the market now for less than I paid for my place.
A huge part of my motivation for eating right and exercising is about having a better old age. As you say, sensible housing is a must. Bill’s Mom moved from a large two-story into a small flat and from there into a non-profit care home that just provided cleaning and meals for about £600 a month. The last year or so she was in a higher end residential care home that helped people dress and eat and bathe, but didn’t actually do medical care. Both my Grandmothers seemed to go from home to my Mom’s care and then to a nursing home when they were beyond her (though her mother outlived her a couple of months). I figure a nursing home is a death camp and I’d rather be terminated than to rot in one.