Coffee heat rising

Week, Interrupted (Endlessly…)

BEFORE I FORGET: Go here and check out what our Web guru, Jesse, is up to. It’s not like he doesn’t have enough to do, with a full-time job and a growing family. Let’s try to help this bunch meet their goal. 🙂

Jesse is about to get even more busy trying to wrangle Funny and the rest of my blogging empire onto a new server, now that gainful employment has made his freelance business redundant. We’ve selected WestHost, because for less than he’s been charging it provides significant support and all the blandishments he’s been providing. At any rate, if the site goes down briefly (again 🙄 ), watch this space. It should stabilize, and I hope that all the email & RSS subscriptions will come over with it.

It’s already Friday and I haven’t finished the second risque novel. It’s within a few words of the end, but it ain’t there yet. That’s because every time I turn around, here’s something else I have to do.

Today I have to take the car down to Chuck’s, there to get the side-view mirrors replaced. When my son drove it home from the ER parking lot, alas, he noticed that the Gorilla Tape doesn’t really keep the mirrors very stable at freeway speeds. He became unnerved and insisted that they have to be replaced.

{sigh} The young will be served. I suppose.

But there’s another time suck.

Yesterday I ran out of propane, after I left the burners on to incinerate the grease. Another time suck: traipse to U-Haul to refill a tank.

Also yesterday I had to deposit a check from Social Security and one from Medicare. Not wanting to traipse way to hell and gone up to the credit union, halfway to Wickenburg, I tried to use the new printer to scan the things. Under the best of conditions, scanning and depositing a check electronically can take almost as long as driving all the way to the CU and back. Yesterday’s were NOT the best of conditions.

Then I had to call the Mayo and fork over the $80 Medicare had dribbled out to me (here we go again: another $11,000 dribbed and drabbed out in payments of $80 to $150, each of which I have to fiddle with interminably). To get someone on the line to accept a credit-card charge, I had to sit there and listen to their ENDLESSLY INFURIATING machine tell me over and over “thank you for waiting blah blah blah blah blah”… That sucked another ten minutes on top of the time suck involved in scanning and depositing the damn checks.

The handyman is supposed to come over to fix the leaking kitchen faucet. As of this morning, of course, it’s stopped leaking. So I have to deal with that somehow, one way or another.

Student papers are coming in, God help us.

We rigged a trick to get some of them to turn in papers early, so we wouldn’t be SO hopelessly swamped next week when we have to read 20+ pieces of long-form drivel on an impossible deadline while we’re both struggling to survive. They get 20 points of extra credit if they turn the final paper in early. So a couple of eager beavers have in fact done that.

This is good. But it means I have to drop what I’m doing to turn those around.

Met at length with my associate editor/bidness partner and her sister to discuss the porn publishing scheme. It really is a frighteningly promising scheme. The number of people — mostly women — who read this stuff defies belief. Porn is a multi-billion-dollar industry, most of it conducted by small-timers working as much under the radar as they can get. We believe it’s a huge, HUGE pie and we should be able to cut ourselves a slice of it.

But it will require focus, which is not something I seem to be doing well with just now.

Shifting the websites over to WestHost is a huge endeavor. There’s NO way I can do that myself, and Jesse has his own hands full. So this is going to be another time-sucking challenge.

The way this thing has grown — by topsy — has left me with a passel of individual sites, some of which I would like to combine as subdomains to just a few main sites, thereby relieving me from having to keep paying GoDaddy stupid amounts of money for domain-name renewals. We have…

The Copyeditor’s Desk, a freestanding affair

Funny about Money, also freestanding

Plain & Simple Press, under which I’d like to see the following subdomains

Writers Plain & Simple, the blog for P&S Press

Fire-Rider, which will market 19 installments of the Fire-Rider series, if and when the artist ever gets the covers done and I ever learn how to get them onto Amazon all by my little self

30 Pounds in 30 Days, to market the diet/cookbook, another MS that’s been ready to go for a year and gone effing nowhere because of my illnesses and others’ foot-dragging

Adjunctorium, the blog for Slave Labor, which probably will go away in the near future but needs to exist awhile longer

Camptown Races Press, site for the new imprint through which we plan to run our pornographic works of art

Camptown Ladies Talk, blog for the new racey publishing imprint

If Camptown Races Press flies — and I mean really flies, as in earns enough to replace the teaching income and then some — I’d like the editing business to go away. Not because I don’t enjoy reading some of my clients’ work. A few are truly interesting and worthwhile. But because I’d like to be able to devote all my time and energy to getting the sexy book business up and to keeping it running over the long haul. That is going to be a full-time job.

At any rate, umpty-umpteen gerjillion years of writing blogs have, at least, suggested a simpler way to set up the new imprint’s marketing blog. Do not do not DO NOT create blogs or static websites for new series. At the most, do subdomains for the most active and largest of them. Otherwise, use the sidebars to mount thumbnails of new stuff that comes out as it comes out, and set up pages for the series holding galleries of thumbnails for the backlist. Et voilà. A much simpler structure, much cheaper, and far easier to manipulate.

Two or three months’ worth of credit union statements and bills are sitting on the desk waiting for me to enter into Quickbooks and file away. Another huge time-killer.

It’s almost seven. I must fly to get the car to Chuck’s by eight. And so away, to watch another day be sucked into a black hole.

 

Getting Back on Track

Okaayyy…. So, ten days, two weeks later, she’s finally getting back on track toward pursuing the new set of goals. Canning the job, I think, is gonna make a huge difference. Yesterday I made some progress on the current To-Do list; realized some of those couldn’t be done before other stages are done, and so tasks will have to be re-prioritized. Not a problem.

Today I plan to start moving sites off my friend Jesse’s server over to WordPress.com. This makes me nervous because I just HATE that techie stuff and always, invariably, inevitably screw it up. But I’ll start with Adjunctorium, which is really just a sandbox project at base — the world won’t end if that transfer fails.

Then I’ll move The Copyeditor’s Desk over — nobody ever reads it anyway…it must have a page rank in the negative numbers.

And finally Funny about Money will have to go over. And therein lies my concern: Funny is VAST. This will be its 2,490th post, and it has 12,083 comments, with an inexhaustible trove of images and God only knows what kind of behind-the-scenes infrastructure to support all that.

I’ve never tried to make a transfer like this by myself — I’ve always hired someone who knows what s/he’s doing. And if anyone knows such a person, I’d appreciate it if you’d pass the name along ASAP!!

At any rate, once this transfer gets under way, Funny may disappear temporarily while the domain name gets repointed to WordPress. I’m told the subscriptions will go over, but I do not know that to be the case and have little faith that it will be so.

So, if your RSS or e-mail subscription to Funny quits working but you can still see the site, re-subscribe.

Yesterday, I bought a hundred ISBNs. These are not actually necessary for e-book publishing, unless you want to appear as the publisher of record. And believe me: I do not want Amazon to engross that function — which is what happens when you let Amazon assign one of its “free” inventory numbers in place of an ISBN. The Copyeditor’s Desk is NOT going to cede its title as publisher (under the Plain & Simple Press and the Camptown Races Press imprints), period.

So, if the naughty books go up on both Amazon and B&N (we’re told B&N’s standards of naughtiness are much looser and stuff actually sells better there than at Amazon), then I have enough ISBNs for fifty books.

That will not be enough to let us know whether the p0rno scheme is going to work: for that to happen, we’ll need at least 100 publications. HowEVER… By the time I’ve used up 50, another $1,000 payment will come in from our client journal, and that’s enough to buy 200 more ISBNs.

Yesterday I set aside four hours to work on the present mischievous bookoid. Actually ended up spending about five on it. Am now about half or two-thirds of the way through it.

What a hoot! How do I come up with this stuff?? Here we are, still at a G rating (but not for long… 😉 ):

Coworkers and friends Stephanie and Bonnie meet at a Starbuck’s to spend part of a day off the job just hanging out. Stephanie, in the course of shoveling her ex-husband’s possessions out of what is now exclusively her home, has come across an antique Ouija board, handed down to her from her great-aunt Mabel. Delighted by the interesting old artifact, she brings it along to show to Stephanie. After some tergiversations (one of which is very funny, IMHO), they decide to try it out. They make contact with an entity who identifies him/herself as Lou Lee and claims to be 4500 years old:

The two paused to sip their lattes.

“Isn’t this a kick?” said Stephanie.

“It’s pretty silly,” Bonnie replied. “But yeah, it is kind of fun.”

Before long they set their fingers back on the planchette. After a bit, it began to glide across the board again. Back to the alphabet:

M…E…E…T

M…E

“Meet you?” Steph asked.

M…E…E…T

“Where?”

I… W…A…N…T

K…N…O…W

Y…O…U

“What on earth is that?” Stephanie wondered aloud. “Are you doing that?”

“No,” said Bonnie. “I thought you were.”

“Well…don’t.”

“I’m not.”

W…E…

A…L…L… T…H…E

P…L…E…A…S…U…R…E…S

P…R…O…V…E

“It’s the ghost of Christopher Marlowe.”

“I think he lived sooner than 4500 years ago.”

L…I…G…H…T

A… C…A…N…D…L…E… I…N

Y…O…U…R

B…E…D…R…O…O…M

“Uhm, that sounds kind of forward,” Bonnie remarked. Stephanie said nothing. The planchette curled across the board.

O…P…E…N… T…H…E

W…I…N…D…O…W… P…U…T

R…E…D… R…O…S…E

O…N… T…H…E

S…I…L…L

“Steph. Stephanie…” A light slick of perspiration had spread across Stephanie’s cheeks. She was so focused on the board she seemed not to hear her friend’s voice.

“Steph!” Bonnie lifted her hand from the planchette. It continued to move under Stephanie’s fingers.

I… W…I…L…L. C…O…M…E

T…O… Y…O…U

I… W…A…N…T

T…O… K…N…O…W

Y…O…U

“Stephanie. Please stop it.”

Y…O…U… W…I…L…L

L…O…V…E… M…E

Bonnie grabbed the moving planchette and yanked it out from under Stephanie’s fingers. “This is creeping me out,” she said. “It’s time to stop.”

Her face flushed, Steph looked up at Bonnie.

“Steph, are you all right?

She ran her hand through her damp hair to brush it back off her face. “Sure. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“That was batshit crazy. Let’s put this thing away.” Bonnie stood up, placed the Ouija board back in its box, put the planchette in after it, upside down, and covered it firmly with the lid.

Neither woman felt like finishing her coffee, which was half consumed and going cold anyway. They sat at the table and decompressed for a few minutes, and then agreed it was time to go on their various separate errands.

“But Stephanie,” Bonnie said as a parting shot, “please: put that game back in the attic, will you?”

“Well… I thought it would look cool on the coffee table.”

“Seriously. Put it away. Don’t mess with it again. I’m asking you.”

Stephanie studied Bonnie for a moment and realized she really was alarmed. “All right,” she said. “I’ll put it away.”

“Promise me you won’t try to mess with it when you’re alone in the house, OK?”

“Stephanie! It’s just a board game. You’re starting to sound like that wacky old bag lady.”

“She wasn’t a bag lady. And I don’t know what was going on with all that, but if you weren’t doing it and I wasn’t doing it, I don’t think it was anything good. And I don’t think you should have anything more to do with it. Especially not when you’re all by yourself.”

Steph sighed imperceptibly. “OK,” she agreed. “I promise. I won’t take it out of the box again.”

Rose Redoute Yeah. Right, Stephanie…sure.

What follows, of course, will not be suitable for nice girls and boys. But if you like to live dangerously, I’ll let you know the title, whenever it is a title. 😆

By the way, if you think you can write this stuff and would like to do so on a contract basis, I’m hiring.

Happy Fourth of July! And…next?

 Welp, we’ve made it to another Independence Day without self-destructing. That’s something.

What are you doing for the holiday? Moi, I’ve been invited to a party at the home of some friends who live in a mid-town high-rise. Their place overlooks the Phoenix Country Club and the Steele Indian School, which host the two largest fireworks displays in the central part of the city. And from their balcony you also can see the large show at Tempe Town Lakes and several other smaller shindigs.

An old, halfway-long-lost friend who lives in that apartment building shows up at these evenings, so I’m looking forward to seeing her again. It promises to be a nice evening.

But between now and then:

Students have turned in their “extended definition” papers. In the world of people who recycle their high-school English essays, this means they’ve picked some exceptionally sappy and ill-focused topic such as “what is love” — apparently inflicted on them by  teachers following a required curriculum. The results would be painful to read even if they fit the assignment, which by and large they do not. So {sigh} we have to plod through 23 of those.

Then there’ll only be one more assignment — 2500 words of like drivel — and I’ll be DONE. Never to read another brain-banging freshman comp paper again! 😆

I sincerely hope, anyway.

I’ve started a second racy book — spectrophilia, Ouija board! This should be good. And last night while watching a couple of episodes of some TV show streaming through Kodi, poured another several Fire-Rider bookoids into Friedlander’s Word template. Now am up to book 13, leaving only another five to do. As soon as the cover images are delivered, I’ll be ready to post!

Almost: still have to write “Our Story So Far” blurbs for most of them. And get their ISBNs.

To re-jumpstart the entrepreneurial spirit, I’ve made a list of what I call “foot-draggers”: tasks that need to get done before I can make any headway but that I keep resisting because I know they’re going to be complicated as hell and require some sort of learning curve and I’m just effing learning-curved out. Videlicet:

1. Move Funny and other sites from Jesse’s server to WordPress.com
2. Upgrade WordPress.com service
3. Assign remaining ISBNs to books in progress
4. Buy 100 new ISBNs
5. Buy a month’s subscription to shutterstock. Make a list of general categories for future images and download the maximum allowed.
6. Organize these images on disk and in database by category & book title.
7. Read Friedlander’s template documentation carefully. Figure out how to do the Kindle conversion. Download a Kindle reader app to the laptop so layout can be checked before publication.
8. Learn how to publish epub versions on Barnes & Noble
9. Find the specs for Kindle and Nook covers; relearn how to do this in PowerPoint.
10. Upload diet book to Kindle.
11. Send Slave Labor to Snowfall press for PoD prep
12. Using PowerPoint and stock photo, make Biker Babe cover; create and edit Kindle version. Store to disk.
13. Develop new, more efficient record-keeping to keep track of ISBNs, titles, artwork, and freelances & subcontractors.
14. Develop task flow routine for publication of each book, w/ checklist.

So I figure if I do three of these a day, in less than a week I’ll be up and running.

Which sounds good until you recall that we have 23 student papers sitting on the server right now and another 23 incoming shortly. All told that comes to 58,250 mind-numbing words, the length of a short novel, to be read, commented upon, used as a teaching tool, and assessed. And most of them are high-school papers turned in because the students don’t feel called upon to bother to do the course’s assignments. With just a few exceptions, a total, unutterable waste of the instructor’s time.

But since the instructor’s time is worth less than minimum wage, I suppose no one accounts that as much of a loss…

If I start on the current raft of sea foam today, I won’t get to three of the tasks on the list above today. But if I put it off, it’ll drive me nuts, and whenever I run up against a tight deadline, invariably some student has to make a special case of him/herself and create a major problem. So the only question is, which day would I prefer to have wasted?

Miamifireworks

 

The New Writing Empire: Promising!

Yesterday afternoon I sat down and began the project of dividing the epic (not to say “endless”…) Fire-Rider novel into chunks that can be serialized on Amazon. At the end of the day, I had 19 “bookoids,” as I’ve taken to calling them. That doesn’t count the front and back matter.

Our porn king’s bookoids, which he tries to post daily, are 5000 words apiece. Fire-Rider serials average a little over 8,000 words, with the shortest in the 5,000-word range.

To my delight, I found the book deconstructs beautifully into perfect little stories, each with a beginning, a middle, and an end. And strangely, the format seems to make the saga more interesting, more engaging. Instead of feeling like oh, God, here’s another chapter plod…plod…plod…plod, your sense is w00t! I’ve finished this and now I get to start a new one!

Rather than wondering when is this ever going to end?, you find yourself wanting to move forward to the next stage.

In the morning I talked with my graphic designer — the artist, not the e-book dude. He really likes the idea.

He feels we can use the existing cover image, which is extremely cool IMHO, as a kind of “brand” identity for the entire series and, without a lot more expense, adjust cover lines and a few graphic details to produce a unique cover for each bookoid.

This afternoon I’m going to divvy up the MS into the 19 segments. With the introduction and the afterword, the total will create 21 items to post on Amazon, but I think I also will put the intro (at least) and maybe the afterword online through Plain & Simple Press, giving me something freely accessible to post on Twitter, FB, and LinkedIn. Assuming that doesn’t violate Amazon’s ToS. If it does, then Amazon doesn’t get those two items; WordPress does.

Tomorrow — or Saturday, since tomorrow and Friday will be busy — I’ll download and install Scrivener and begin learning how to use it to create e-books. That or something like it is what the Porn King is using: we’re told he farms out some of the content production (“writing” may not be le mot juste) to freelances and uploads the things to Kindle himself.

Dang! I’m excited!

Prerogatives of the Self-Employed

Okay…hang onto your hats. In about 15 minutes, I’m going to knock off working and take a nap. It’s 11:07 a.m. as I scribble.  And why? you ask? Because I can. It’s a prerogative of self-employment.

Before you go “That’s exactly what I suspected self-employment was all about,” bear in mind that another prerogative of the self-employed is to work from 5:30 a.m. to 10:00 or 11:00 p.m., seven days a week. We might call that, actually, a “definition” of the self-employed.

Last night, as usual, I knocked off around ten o’clock.

This morning, Cassie the Corgi awakened me at 5:00 by barfing all over the bed. I had to leave the house around 6:30 or so to get to my weekly bidness meeting in Scottsdale, so this was convenient in its way: it got me out of the sack a little early. After hauling the comforter out to the garage and stuffing it into the washer, I began the Thursday morning charge-around, by way of getting myself out the door.

The food served by the restaurant where we meet is best described as inedible, and so I usually bolt down breakfast before leaving. After the clean-up activities and given that my hair had to be set before I could bathe, paint my face, and get dressed, and that I hadn’t checked the e-mail yet (always a time suck), I noshed on some leftover soup and slurped down some coffee while flying around the house and office. Poured the rest of the coffee into a travel mug, leapt into the car, and started driving.

Three hours later, I fly in the house, hit the “rinse” cycle on the washer (since the comforter has been sitting there that long wadding itself into a wrinkled mess), and I’m effing STARVED. All the way across the city, I’ve been dreaming of a handful of tiny little red, white, and purple new potatoes roasted in a panful of butter, thinking how maybe that will settle my stomach, which hurts on top of trying to tell me it wants food.

It’s still very early, but craving meat, too, I decide to make an actual meal. Before 10:00 a.m., the potatoes, a small piece of steak, and a fistful of salad have made it to a plate, which now resides on the backyard dining table.

Meanwhile, I’ve sent off two emails to colleagues, reviewed a document in draft, set up two new meetings, and concocted another endless list of things To Do. I’ve checked the website of the distinguished Changing Hands Bookstore’s Phoenix branch and have found, yea verily, a women’s reading group. (I wish to associate myself with such-like because I believe schmoozing in organized groups of women is a fine way to generate interest in the Boob Book.) I add “visit Changing Hands” to the To-Do List. I’ve reviewed some of the work I did yesterday for the Client and considered the next steps. I’ve conceived an idea for the next Writers Plain and Simple post. I’ve checked the stats for that site and reflected that CoPromote isn’t exactly burning up the world when it comes to calling in new readers.

Now it is 11:27 a.m. and I am going to take a nap. So early is it that by 1:00 p.m. I’ll be back in the saddle, riding off into the sunset. And into the dark of night.

🙂

The Eyeglass Artist

Here is something extremely fun. I mean, from an entrepreneurial point of view. I was down at my fave eyeglass outfit — really, just dropped by to say hello to the gents, who are fairly charming — and found my attention diverted by the most amazing pair of shades…

DiamondShadesI think they are gorgeous beyond belief and covet the things, but I say to the proprietor, Tommy, “Gosh, those are too, too cool…but how can you see out of them?”

He explains that he’s set the rhinestones that adorn the lenses so that they’re out of the field of vision. I try them on, and darned if he isn’t right: when the shades are hanging off your nose, you’re not even aware of the decoration.

As the conversation devolves, it develops that Tommy has diverted a considerable artistic talent into designing fancy glasses based on the type of lenses that are fastened to the temple pieces by little screws through the lens itself. This, alas and expensively, happens to be the style I favor. How do I want these glasses? Let me count the dollars…

So now Tommy produces a few more of his small masterpieces. Some of these could only be made as non-prescription sunglasses that you’d wear with contacts (if your vision needed correction). Some could be done with Rx glasses. All of them are more fun than life.

Now, imagine yourself with your guitar and a mike and an awesome voice and an awesome song and ten thousand berserk fans screaming in front of you, and you’re wearing these…

RockStar

Tommy, ever modest, labels  this one “Image 4.” If I’d made it, I’d name it “Rock Star!” 🙂

What, rock is not your thing but “Ten Rounds of Jose Cuervo” is more your speed? How about a pair of cowboy boots to go with your stage presence?

boots

Brreee-hah!

This design is a little more demure — appropriate for street wear, once you’re off the stage and strolling around Rodeo Drive:

Quieter

You say you are a rock star and can afford a $600 pair of glasses for every holiday in the year? How’s about one for St. Patty’s day?

shamrocksAre those fun, or not?

So I say to Tommy, “You need to take these things up to Vegas and sell them there. People would fall all over themselves to have them!”

Alas, Tommy is a family man, and he’s not about to leave his wife and kiddies here and take off for Sin City. So we await his discovery by a famous rock star’s famous agent. If you know the person, pass this along.

Central Eyeworks
Tommy Libert and Ray Gonzales
14 East Camelback Road
Phoenix, Arizona

(Totally NOT a paid post!)