Coffee heat rising

They were the best of students, they were the worst of students…

Ohhhhhh 🙁 moannnnnnn

The Eng. 102s’ final, endless research paper is in. We have four days in which to grade the monsters, and then I have to post grades on the district’s system. Meanwhile, another set of papers from the wannabe magazine writers is pending — a “brite,” the shortest of short-form journalism.

The magawriters’ efforts will be easy, and besides, there are only about 10 students remaining in that class.

But the 102s…hevvin help us, MOST of them have hung in there through the entire semester. That’s got to be some kind of a record, because by the end of a term a third to half of classmates have dropped a typical community-college course. So it’s GOOD, in one way: somehow we’ve managed to keep them on track.

But…what, really, is ON that track?

I made a little chart dividing up the classmates by the quality of their writing skills. The idea is to grade the weakest writers’ papers first, so as to get the truly, truly awful stuff out of the way while the brain is still relatively fresh. Then plow through the mediocrities, which can be as or more difficult than the bad stuff to grade. And finally have downhill skiing after you’ve reached the point where you can no longer bear to look at the things.

So. We have the “Best,” the “Worst,” and the “Others.”

Or we could say, the “Excellent,” the “Dreadful,” and the “Mediocre.” Or…the “Good,” the “Bad,” and the “Ugly”….

Under the “Best” rubric, we have six classmates, one of whom is really a very good writer. The “Worst” number five. And the “Others”: seven. Only two students have failed to turn in a paper, and one of those fell under the wagon wheels some time back. Neither of them were among the “Worst.” That means, yes: here at the end of the semester we still have to read, assess, try to comment intelligently upon, and apply a grade to five unintelligible pieces of illiterate drivel.

So far I’ve read a paper whose author attempted to organize the entire 2500 words into two paragraphs. I’ve read a 2500-word “research” paper without a shred of documentation. And just now I’m about to take up one in which I entered FIFTEEN corrections in THREE sentences before I gave up and went to bed last night.

What, seriously, am I supposed to do with a student who’s doing the best he or she can but still makes an error about every second word?

Yeah, I understand that some writers who do that have learning disabilities. And I do understand it’s not their fault, whether their brains are wired in some unique way or whether they’re simply victims of Arizona’s half-assed educational system. But that doesn’t change the fact that they’re in my course, and I can’t very well flunk a quarter of the students in any given section — I wouldn’t keep my job long if I did that. And it doesn’t change the fact that these people — maybe as many as a quarter of our “graduates,” such as they are — are going to end up in some hapless employer’s business.

That’s right: 5 out of 18 is more than a quarter of the class: 28%.

And it’s pretty typical.

Postscript: As I was fiddling with this post, one student asked me to let him/her completely rewrite an abysmally failing paper (answer: No) and another asked me to accept NINE late papers because s/he’s had such a tough time this semester (answer: No).

Holy shit.

Annals of the Floored and Flabbergasted: Back Office Staff Edition

This morning I get on the phone to an assistant in the gynecologist’s office, to whom I’m trying to explain, for the THIRD time today (not to her, but to two other folks) that because it looks like I’m headed for a mastectomy, a medical oncologist advised me to consult with a plastic surgeon before that comes to pass,  and so I would like a referral to a plastic surgeon who knows what s/he’s doing.

She doesn’t quite follow. It’s a complex series of thoughts, after all. So I explain (again) that I need to talk to a plastic surgeon before I get scheduled for a probable mastectomy.

Says she:

“Is that in the pelvic area?”

{thought balloon: you ARE one of my students, aren’t you?}

“No, honey, mastectomy has to do with your breasts. They’re going to chop off one of my boobs.”

“Oh. How do you spell that?”

Ha haaaa! Is that hilarious or not?  And just think how hilarious it is that medical offices are populated with folks like this, ready to take care of your every health need…

Employer Beware: Here come our students!

Holy mackerel.

I gave a student a gentleman’s B on an extended definition assignment — an 80 when in fact the paper was worth at best about 75 points and in fact was eligible to have 100 points deducted, leaving the poor lad with a goose-egg.

But because it’s an online course — they do have difficulty learning this stuff on their own, without someone to draw pictures on the whiteboard and explain it over and over in every iteration the instructor can think of — I’m giving this bunch the benefit of the doubt. This has been especially so for the extended definition, which is a difficult genre even for upper-division students to get their minds around, and for MLA style, to which many of them have never been exposed in their entire lives.

So a day or two after I ship this thing off to the little twit, feeling some misgivings about the generosity of the score, he e-mails me back to complain and ask what on EARTH he did wrong, since he carefully followed the MLA style guidelines shown at Purdue (no, he didn’t) and he didn’t think the paper was unfocused, as accused.

Argh.

I just finished explaining all this to the kid, in writing. To do so entails writing MORE copy than the student had to write for the assignment itself!

Original comment, tossed off quickly but IMHO right on target:

Okay, first off you’ll need to learn how to cite a source using MLA style. Please read the chapters assigned in the textbook on this subject. If you haven’t bought the textbook or it doesn’t help, then an excellent site to learn these techniques and to see examples is the Purdue OWL. It has an entire section explaining MLA style: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/747/01/

Second, it is best to avoid the dictionary definition. With your essay, I can see why it would be useful to give comparative definitions, but it’s best to find a different way than relying on the dictionary.

And third, your body paragraphs do not tell a cohesive story. In some ways you showed what those for and against gay marriage believe. A more interesting and effective approach may have been to define gay marriage in terms of its legal, fiscal, and religious implications. It appears you have sources for this. This way your essay would be less of a “debatable” topic and more presenting some important facets of this definition.

New comments…

[Student opens essay with two insipid dictionary definitions, knocked off (one without quote marks) from Merriam-Webster Online. The subject matter is same-sex marriage, an insipid topic much favored by high-school teachers and English 101 instructors, and so the paper is probably recycled for this assignment.]

This is a direct, word-for-word quote. Even when you give the source, you STILL have to put quotation marks around strings of words that are directly quoted from the source: Marriage: “the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law.”   In writing an extended definition, it’s best to avoid using a dictionary definition, but if one feels one must, one at least ought not to start out with it.   

I’d make a new paragraph here, since you’re switching subjects a bit.

Also, it is best to avoid starting with the dictionary definition.

[Student comes to the end of the introductory paragraph with no sign of a thesis statement anywhere in sight.]

Okay. Now let’s think about where we are at the end of this opening paragraph. We’ve set up a kind of contrast between two dictionary definitions (one of heterosexual and one of same-sex marriage) and we’ve said that some people resent the idea of same-sex marriage as an affront to what they believe are the moral values of the United States. But – and here’s the big but – we haven’t established our own definition of anything.

As it stands, the thesis statement says that some people are offended at the idea of same-sex marriage, and that might work for  a report on the state of moralistic huffiness about this issue. However, the point of an extended definition is to present your own interpretation of what something means, an interpretation that goes beyond a mere dictionary definition. Thus, an extended definition’s thesis statement should put your definition (i.e., your interpretation, your personal spin, or your insight) in a nutshell.

One could have any number of definitions of marriage. For example, you could define it as solely a legal arrangement and argue that in a country of laws, that is all it is and the government has no business imposing religious definitions of marriage on those who do not subscribe to a specific religion – the U.S., after all, is not a theocracy. You could go the other way around and argue that marriage is more than a lowly human legal contract but instead has spiritual implications that go far beyond legalities, and so it should be a special case. 

In either event (or in any other event you can dream up), your interpretation needs to appear up-front, and it needs to drive the rest of the paper’s argument. In other words, your interpretation drives the point you want to make, and so it is the thesis statement, or at least a crucial part of the thesis.

[Student inserts an in-text citation: (Peter Sprigg, 2012).]

So what we want to do here is use only the author’s last name in the in-text citation; if there’s more than one author we’d use their last names up to a point…I think in MLA style it’s six, but look it up; after six, use the lead author’s last name followed by et al.: (Sprigg, 2012); (Sprigg and Twigg, 2012); (Sprigg, Twigg, and Busch, 2012; Sprigg et al., 2012).

[Student writes, “Mr. Sprigg claims that…”]

In academic writing, just use the person’s last name for this context; no Mr. is needed.

[Student regurgitates Sprigg’s reasons for opposing same-sex marriage, one of which is mildly specious and three of which are downright silly.]

Okay, it’s all very nice that Sprigg makes these claims, but how is it related to the definition of straight or gay marriage? And why should we buy these claims, which on their face are pretty silly? The Social Security issue could be a valid concern; the others, not so much, since people who are unhappy in marriages usually leave, whether or not they can settle down in wedded bliss with their same-sex partners; same-sex partners regularly adopt or obtain custody of children and raise them, and the fact that those partners’ relationship is legally recognized is unlikely to change that. So…what do Sprigg’s points have to do with anything? Especially with how marriage (straight or gay or both) is defined?

[Student rehashes the arguments of someone taking the pro-gay marriage stance; in doing so he mentions the claim that legalizing gay marriage is an attack on the institution of marriage itself.]

Ah hah! Here’s something we could use as a thesis for an extended definition. We could make the claim that the institution of marriage itself has a specific set of criteria that exclude same-sex unions. Note, though, that making that claim, while it would give us a definition to work with in this essay, would not of itself lead to the conclusion that legalizing same-sex unions and calling them “marriage” will result in the end of civilization as we know it. To do that, we would have to define marriage as the basis of and the bulwark of the entire moral and ethical construct of Western culture. That could be done…but to do so, we would have to say it in so many words.

[Student brings up recent cases in Arizona and New Mexico.]

Okay, we’ve got some good research here. But for the paper per se, we’re still in a kind of debate mode: yea or nay on gay marriage. We haven’t come up with an original point of view on marriage in general, on heterosexual unions, or on gay unions; we’ve only stated that people have differing opinions about the legitimacy of same-sex marriage. Note, here, that you only need the authors’ last names. BTW, I seem to have had my brain stuck in APA style here; MLA style spells out “and” while APA style uses the ampersand.

[In a muddled concluding paragraph, Student brings up the issue of religious beliefs, says Americans are not required to buy into but are supposed to respect others’ religious beliefs, and ends by deciding marriage is not just a word; it’s about love.]

Yes. This is an important point. But don’t lose sight of the fact that the US Constitution not only guarantees that Americans can worship God in any way we choose, but also that we are not forced to worship God at all. The government makes no establishment of religion. And there’s an incontrovertible fact that can bring us around to a way to use extended definition to argue one way or the other on this point. Here it is: we could build a definition of marriage as either a religious arrangement or as a legal arrangement – in this country, it happens to be both. Because Americans have conflated those two issues – i.e., a member of the clergy can legally marry a couple, and the couple does not have to go to a justice of the peace to make that church-based, church-sanctified union legal – we end up with a loud, contentious, and unpleasant argument over who can live together in a de facto state of marriage.

If we defined marriage as solely a religious arrangement, then we could argue that churches should have some say over what legal rights a couple may have. Using this to claim same-sex marriage should be disallowed would be difficult, because some established main-line churches are tolerant of gay marriage (just a few months ago, I was present at a marriage between two men performed by clergy of my church…one of the oldest Episcopal churches in the state). But it could be done.

If we defined it as solely a legal arrangement, then we could argue that clerics have no say about who may or may not be married in someone else’s church or down at the county courthouse – that they may say who may or may not be regarded as married in their church, but they may not dictate what people who are not members of their religion believe or practice.

You can make these arguments, obviously…but the idea with an extended definition essay is to make the arguments based on how a term is defined. What is marriage? Is it a legal arrangement? Is it a church institution? Is it merely a social recognition of a long-term (hopefully a life-long) commitment between a man and a woman, or between any two people? Is it the consecration of a sexual union intended to produce and protect children (and not primarily for pleasure or love)? Is it the consecration of two people’s love for each other? Is it the legal recognition and framework of a financial and parenting contract between two adults? Whatever definition you select and develop, that is what drives the essay…it’s what forms the argument (the point) you want to make. That’s not what’s happening in this essay.

 [In his Works Cited, Student lists two essays from Gale’s Opposing Viewpoints in Context, a library database designed to make it easy for students to find sources espousing different arguments about commonly assigned subjects. He gets the documentation style wrong.]

Italicize names of websites, book titles, movie titles, TV series, and other “long” things; put short things such as articles, poems, and short stories in quotation marks. Did you find these in an electronic source? If so:

Kellard, James. “Gay Marriage Should Be Legal.” Gale Opposing Viewpoints in Context, 2012. Web. 1 April 2014.

 [Student cites a website sponsored by the Pew Research Organization. He gets that wrong, too.]

Use caps & lower-case for all titles. Note the format for dates used by MLA. Add whether this appeared in print or online; if it’s a Web source, add the date of access. Use hanging indent (in Word: Format > Paragraph > Special > hanging). Separate the names of two authors with “and.” Pew Research Center is the sponsor of the Fact Tank website, so that’s set up like this:

Lipka, Michael and David Masci. “Arizona Bill Sparks Debate about Religious Objections to Gay Marriage.” Fact Tank. Pew Research Center. 25 February 2014. Web. 1 April 2014.

 [Instructor reviews rubrics/score sheet, wondering if the paper was graded unfairly. She thinks not…]

I understand that these are headache-inducing, ditzy details – that’s why scholars hire people like me to edit their research for publication and to get the citation and documentation correct according to whatever style manual the publisher happens to use. The trick is, whichever style manual you end up using in your academic career or in the world of work (if you’re in business, the health sciences, the social sciences, or education, you’ll use APA style), pay excruciatingly close attention to these annoying details. What capitalization conventions does the manual use (APA uses sentence style for article titles and books but caps & lower-case for magazines and journals; MLA uses caps & lower-case for all titles)? Where do the standard elements like author, title of article, title of journal or website, date of publication, and date of access go? What parts of the thing are set in italic? Even though the details differ from style manual to style manual, the overall principles are the same.

The score on this paper actually is generous – I only marked down 5 points for incorrect use of MLA style, and because the paper is not really an extended definition, had I been feeling particularly dyspeptic I could have marked it down 100 points. (What a harpy!!!!)

Try to get that MLA style down. It’s a real PITA, but you can do it, given some patience and time.

Herein lies a problem: To explain this stuff face-to-face would have taken…what? 10 minutes? It probably wouldn’t have been necessary, because I would have gone over it all in the classroom, where I could draw pictures on the whiteboard, ask the students to figure out how sample citations should look, and give them an opportunity to bring up their own questions. This would have occupied an hour or two of class time.

It’s to my advantage not to have to diddle away my hours standing in front of a classroom, partly because the more hours I stand in front of a classroom, the lower my hourly wage works out to be. In fact, it can work out to less than minimum wage, depending on the amount of course prep and grading time I put in.

However, mounting an online course is time-intensive, and the time used to create it and put it online is unpaid, as a practical matter. It all has to be done before one goes on the payroll.

Thus, the more time I put in on grading, the lower my pay. That means I tend to compile succinct summary comments like the one shown at the top of this series of rants, especially for papers that are not failing. When a student with a “B” demands that I explain myself in detail, then my hourly rate goes down because I have to spend some unholy amount of time figuring out how to explain what the student should have learned on his own — assuming he is competent to learn on his own.

What we have here are students who probably are competent but — get this — have never been asked to write a research-based paper in their ENTIRE thirteen and a half years of education. The kid hasn’t a clue.

Most of them have never been asked to write an extended definition, either. It’s not a genre that’s commonly taught in high schools.

By and large, they do not understand why they should have to take freshman comp. They don’t understand why the skills that they should have learned over the prior thirteen-plus years have value in the real world, nor, for that matter, do they have any idea what skills they’re missing. Consequently, because they think their time is being wasted (and are oblivious to the amount of their instructor’s time they waste), they feel entitled to turn in papers that they’ve already submitted for other courses — often for high-school classes.

When an instructor decides, as I did this semester, not to force students to write on subjects of her or his choosing but to let them select their own essay topics, what they invariably will do is recycle old papers. Few to none will write a new, original paper that actually fits the assignment.

Yes, I could combat that by indeed deducting 100 points from a paper that does not fulfill the assignment — in this case, a paper that’s not really an extended definition but just a review of opposing viewpoints on a controversial subject. But…ever hear of Rate Your Professor?

I have a friend who was short-listed for a job at a much better university in a part of the country where she dearly wanted to live. After she didn’t get hired, she learned she was eliminated because a student had posted an anonymous and, IMHO, libelous review of her teaching practices at Rate Your Professor. Anyone who is not tenured — as adjuncts by definition are not — is crazy to fail a student for not turning in a paper that exactly matches the assignment.

People who are underpaid and whose job evaluation depends on anonymous popularity contests are put in a position of simply not being able to teach adequately. They are not able to deliver an honest assessment of a paper — or, if they do so, they do it at considerable risk.

I have given up the elaborate project of inventing original study topics and assigning specific paper themes that are difficult to self-plagiarize. It’s too much work; it takes way, way too many hours, leaving me earning less than minimum wage. Out of self-defense, our underpaid and overworked teachers, from K-12 all the way through the BA, are forced to let things go that should not get past them, to deliver substandard guidance, and to leave students pretty much in the dark.

 

Workin’ Again

One of the full-time faculty at Heavenly Gardens having fallen ill, the chair called to ask if I would substitute in her course on world mythology. There’s some possibility that she may have to sit out the semester, in which I case I would end up teaching the rest of the course.

Well, sure…long as it’s not freshman comp! This will pay for the Thos. Moser chair I bought in hopes of easing the excruciating back pain.

So yesterday morning I showed up out there. Some 25 people are registered. This is the fourth week. The students have missed a week and a half of class, during which several papers were due, none of which have been collected. A 1,000-word paper is due in the next two weeks, and it has yet to be explained to the students — nor is there any clue in the syllabus as to what it should address. The students turned in a pile of papers, which I need to read by tomorrow morning! And of course I have choir tonight and a meeting at the crack of dawn tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I have to read the textbook, catch up with what the stoonts have been reading, and then try to get ahead of them.

And as I’m reading the damn thing’s introduction, what do I find but a lengthy passage positing, with a straight face, that ancient Greek societies were matriarchies until 2400 B.C., when their way of life was supposedly extirpated by invading tribes. The entire two-page section, wholly undocumented with not so much as an allusion in the narrative to some proof of this assertion, suggests that Greek mythology reflects a traditional pre-Bronze Age matriarchal arrangement.

Holy sh!t.

I go to look this up and discover that by 2007, the idea had been discredited. So I’ll have to spend half a class period referring them to Cynthia Eller’s Myth of Matriarchal Prehistory and explaining how this particular crackpot hypothesis came about.

Wow. A textbook whose introduction promulgates a defunct and patently false second-wave feminist theory is not exactly designed to promote confidence among the students.

This could be a challenge…

The ailing faculty member’s syllabus is quite good, by the way: elaborately structured to train students in good study skills, which sadly lack among our constituency. It led me to think about how different mine would be, if I had been asked in advance to teach the course: a difference engendered by the difference between full-time and adjunct hiring practices.

Welp, I’ve now been sitting here for almost two hours. I’ve written a lecture and this post, with the result that my back and hip hurt so much I can barely walk. Given the amount of work pounding down at me, it’s unlikely I’ll be back here for the next couple of days.

So…enjoy life! 😉

Course Prep Prepped!

Wow! The entire maga-writing course is updated and online in Canvas, and it only took about five hours! Started a little before lunchtime and was done by 4:30.

By about 3:00 my teeth were grinding, but then I reminded myself that most of the hang-ups were user error, not software issues (as they tended to be with Blackboard).

The most egregious error, which surprisingly was not caught by the department’s hawk-eyed Syllabus Nazi, sprouted from a moment of true stupidity: I failed to change the dates in the calendar that we’re required to install near the end of the 18-page production. So, in the middle of uploading stuff and juggling data around online, I had to drop everything and rewrite that section of the syllabus, matching the due dates against a hard-copy calendar. That was annoyingly time-consuming, and all my fault.

Otherwise the actual conversion from spring to fall semester went pretty smoothly. Canvas imported the assignments and announcements smoothly from the spring semester into the fall course shell. The online course calendar, which the program automatically compiles from the assignments’ due dates, got a little dorked up — but that may have been my doing, because I shifted a few entries that were not assignments around and in doing so probably confused things. That took some time to undo…after the time required to figure out how to undo it.

A lot of stuff from the spring syllabus had to be deleted or rewritten, now that it’s clear there’s no need to have students send their assignments to my e-mail address. Canvas seems to be pretty reliable, unlike Blackboard, so I’m hoping that it does as well this fall, when the whole district goes cold turkey, as it did in beta last spring with just a few of us using it.

But just in case, I’m keeping my DIY course management system up in WordPress. That necessitated a bunch of up-dating and out-throwing there, too. Pretty easy, but still…somethin’ else to have to do.

In the past, it’s taken almost two weeks to update courses in Blackboard, and that’s two weeks of eight- to twelve-hour days. So I sure can’t complain about four or five hours to update content and design for not one but two websites.

Things might have gone even faster if I’d had more than five hours of sleep last night. Up at 3:30. Then off at 6:45 to the weekly Thursday morning shindig. Crawled back in the sack after I got home but couldn’t close the eyes, so after an hour or two just gave up. Have you ever noticed how when you’re really tired you miss stuff…and it seems to take forever to fix the things you discover you screwed up? Argh!

So anyway, that was four or five hours of unpaid time.

Then as I’m about to check out of Canvas, what should I notice but lo! They have me “enrolled” as a student in not one, not two, but THREE of those stupid hoop-jump tutorials they require all their employees to stumble through: one on FERPA (the federal privacy act), one on something called “Consumer Information,” and another on “Employee Access.”

What an ineffable waste of time. You can’t just go and click on the obvious answers to the brainless questions. To get to the questions, you have to plod through each stupid little pitch and then read a long-winded “case” about which the brainless question is asked.

It’s now quarter to seven — it’s taken me at least an hour, maybe more, to get through these three chunks of bureaucratic bullshit. Another unpaid hour of labor.

Did you know that if you have a 14-year-old who’s bright enough to be in college (as many are represented to be — around here, some high-school AP programs simply foist the kid onto a community college to take a course, thereby earning both college and AP credit), and you think the kid is going off the track and, to confirm or deconfirm his progress, you’d like to see his grades, you can’t. Nevermind that he’s a minor. The fact that he’s in an institution of higher education nullifies your rights as a parent.

Jesus Aitch Keerist.