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McCutcheon: Funny Takes Out a Loan

 The Supreme Court’s ruling in McCutcheon v. Federal Election Commission has engendered another of Funny’s inspired entrepreneurial schemes. By golly, this may be my best idea yet! But first I’ll need a little seed money. Hence, it was off to the credit union for a loan.

FUNNY: I’d like to borrow ten million dollars, please, to support my new business enterprise. Here’s the business plan. [FUNNY hands a sheaf of paper to LOAN OFFICER.] You’ll see the profit this will turn within the next four years.

LOAN OFFICER: Ten million? That’s quite a lot for a start-up. Would you mind summarizing this 150-page document and telling me exactly what the ten mill will be used for?

FUNNY: I wish to purchase a United States senator.

L.O.: Ah! Well, that’s a very fine idea. But you’re not the first to apply for a loan for this purpose. Which of our Congressional delegation do you propose to buy?

FUNNY: Actually, none of them. I wouldn’t have any of those dunderheads. My plan is to run a candidate that has a brain.

L.O.: Now there’s a unique idea.

FUNNY: Yes. I thought so, too.

L.O.: What do you propose to put up for collateral?

FUNNY: The proceeds from five defense contracts should cover it, wouldn’t you think?

L.O.: Oh, I should say so. Do you suppose you could throw in a little easing of the new mortgage regulations?

FUNNY: We’ll definitely look into that.

L.O.: [Studies gigantic sheaf of paper presented by FUNNY] Hm. This is very interesting. But…

FUNNY: “But…”???

L.O.: Well, I wonder if maybe you’re not thinking big enough.

FUNNY: How much bigger can you think? We’re talking about a Senator of the United States of America, the vastest hegemony in the history of the entire human race!

L.O.: What if you were to purchase a United States President? We would consider fronting you about 8 billion dollars for that purpose.

FUNNY: My goodness. I’m not sure I could afford a loan of that size. What would the interest be?

L.O.: 4.325 percent.

FUNNY: Four percent on 8 billion dollars? The credit union will be rolling in ill-gotten gains. How about 3 percent?

L.O.: Okay, okay: 3.586 percent. That’s our best offer.

FUNNY: What kind of collateral can we come up with for an 8 billion-dollar loan?

L.O.: Fifteen defense contracts, the new president’s first-born son, and your eternal soul.

FUNNY: Excellent! Done! We’re in business.

L.O.: Sign here, please.