Coffee heat rising

In the Night Kitchen

Insomnia! How I hate it. The night closes in like a black, sticky, toxic cloud, bringing with it all manner of prickly little horrors.

Five things I regret having done

  • Leaving a perfectly fine husband
  • Leaving my son behind
  • Not being with my mother when she was dying
  • Having agreed to go to the University of Arizona, not insisting on Cal Berkeley
  • Majoring in French

Five things I wish other people hadn’t done

  • My mother: smoking herself into the grave
  • My father: bringing us to Arizona
  • My son: taking up smoking
  • My father: disinheriting me
  • My fellow Americans: voting for George Bush and his cronies

Five things I could have done better

  • Focused on a real career
  • Been a better mother
  • Been a better daughter
  • Been a better wife
  • Taken control of my life sooner

Five characteristics I would be better without

  • Preference for solitude
  • Habit of taking the path of least resistance
  • Laziness
  • Self-indulgence
  • Insecurity

Five characteristics that redound to my benefit (there must be somethinggood here)

  • Self-discipline
  • Writing skills
  • Literacy
  • Some degree of intelligence
  • Ability to be self-starting

Five small things that make life better

  • The company of dogs
  • The company of friends
  • My son in a positive mood
  • A lovely morning
  • Flowers

Five things that scare the sh*t out of me

  • Old age
  • The U.S. economy and the decline of America
  • The state of health care in America
  • The ascendancy of the right wing and the injection of religion into secular politics
  • Climate change

Five things we could have more of

  • Swimming in the pool
  • Walking in the desert
  • Friends
  • Wine
  • Good food

Five things I could do without

  • Greed
  • Morons
  • Ambient noise
  • Work
  • Insomnia!

Sploggers get rich quick off your work

Several sploggers have been harvesting posts from Funny about Money. Most recently, a site called “The Retired Millionaire” has been reproducing passages from Funny and monetizing them. I have contacted Adsense to let them know that if they don’t bring a stop to the use of their service to steal money from me by using my work as an advertising base, they soon will be hearing from my lawyer and from the U.S. Attorney General, and to instruct them to remit all revenues generated from my content to me.

You’ll notice a new addition to the blogroll atFunnyand atThe Copyeditor’s Desk:Exposing Sploggersis a group of WordPress bloggers who are banding together to fight back. They propose to track down the owners of offending groups and to develop various ways to force them to remove members’ copyrighted material from their sites and to stop the wholesale theft. Exposing Sploggers also lists several other sites with information and resources, which you should know about.

It is against the law to use copyrighted material without the copyright owner’s permission, and profiting off that material is actionable. I am not above filing lawsuits against anyone I can catch in the act. No © symbol or copyright notice is required to establish your rights in your work, nor is it necessary to register your work with the Library of Congress to establish rights. Copyright applies to all reproducible hard-copy, film, and electronic material, and the law protects such material from the instant it is created. If you would like to know more about this, my chapters on copyright and on libel in The Essential Feature were vetted by an internationally prominent publishing lawyer, who pronounced them the best summaries in layman’s language that she had seen.

If you’re a blogger, I urge you to join Exposing Sploggers and work actively to bring a stop to theft of your work. In some cases, copy pirates have ripped off entire blogs, so that Google searches go to the thief’s site instead of to the real blog. Obviously, if you are trying to monetize your site, these crooks are stealing from your pocketbook. Even if all the slimeball steals is your ideas and your creativity, you should care. You should care very much.

Lose some pounds, keep some bucks

Cassie the Corgi is getting a bit on the chunky side.Bad. The corgi is built like a dachshund: short legs under a long spine. This mutation puts a lot of stress on the spinal column, making the dog susceptible to back injuries and debilitating arthritis. Apparently overweight is the most common cause of crippling back pain in these dogs, and the most common cause of premature death.

So it’s time to put the pooch on a diet.

I’ve been feeding her about 8 ounces per twice-daily feeding: 2 ounces of starch, 2 ounces of veggies, and 4 ounces of meat with each meal. Pretty clearly that’s too much: she’s gained three pounds since she moved in with me. That’s a lot, when you’re supposed to weigh about 21 to 23 pounds: 13 percent of her desired body weight!

The rule of thumb for feeding DIY doggie cuisine is 2 percent of of the ideal body weight. Assuming Cassie should weigh 23 pounds, that would be 7.46 ounces a day, or 3.68 ounces a meal. That is not much food! In fact, it seemed way too little to sustain such a lively little dog, and so I just started feeding her by guesswork.

Evidently I guessed wrong. I’ve been feeding her 8 ounces per meal.

Interestingly, not only was she beginning to look like a tiny barrel with legs sticking out, she also had lost her enthusiasm for the beloved doggy dish. She had to be coaxed to eat. No wonder: the poor little thing must have felt like she had a cannonball in her belly.

Yesterday I cut her ration to 5 ounces. This morning she was dee-lighted to scarf breakfast, and she greeted the day by rocketing around the house like a Roman candle run amok. Clearly she feels better on a lighter diet.

This is going to save some cash: half as much frozen vegetables, rice, and chicken represents a significant savings on dog food. I think I’ll ease her down to 4 ounces per feeding and see how she does.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

It occurs to me that what’s sauce for the pooch could be sauce for the human: What if I restricted my feed to 2% of my desired body weight?

That would come to 2.6 pounds of fine cuisine per day.

Seems like a lot. A typical meat portion for me is about 4 ounces. Because there’s nothing to eat on the campus that isn’t junk food, I don’t eat lunch. Somehow I doubt that 2 pieces of bacon, a piece of toast, orange juice, and strawberries in the morning plus 4 ounces of grilled meat and a salad at night come to something over 2 1/2 pounds of food. However, this morning I ate enough oatmeal to create the lead-ball-in-the-belly sensation. And I do eat a fair amount of watermelon and fruit during the day.

The difference is that Cassie eats better than I do. My diet is not a carefully calibrated fusion of mixed vegetables, starch, and meat. I eat whatever comes to hand, which tends to be high on cheese, meat and fish, crackers, and fruits and low on vegetables.

What if I weighed my food and tried to keep the daily volume to 2 percent of the body weight I’d like to have? Or less? What if I made an effort to balance veggies and starches 50-50 with animal proteins? This could be an interesting experiment.

Might save some money at the grocery store, too!

Best jobs, worst jobs

J.D. Roth’s Labor Day post at Get Rich Slowly, in which he recites all the jobs he’s ever held and asks readers to describe their best and worst gigs, got me thinking about my checkered career. For a person who’s on the verge of retirement, I haven’t held all that many jobs, especially if you don’t count the twenty years as a generously supported lawyer’s wife, mother, and society matron—less than a dozen, some of which were part-time.

Which were the best jobs and which the worst? And did my hypereducation do anything to help land the best ones? What, if anything, would I do differently, given a chance to start over?

At GRS, I left a comment opining that my most hated job was as a secretary for a demented market researcher. The guy was truly paranoid: convinced he had Enemies (no joke!) who spent every evening sifting through the trash behind the office building, looking for corporate intelligence with which to do his business in. He insisted that every, single piece of trash be snipped up into confetti—this predated inexpensive shredders—before it went in the trash. The job also predated word processors, and since I was not a great typist I threw out a lot of botched letters and memos; these also had to be snipped up, even if only a few words appeared on the page. My employer was given to insane rages and casual insults, an altogether obnoxious gentleman.

But really, what made that a bad job was the wacko boss, not the job itself. I enjoyed working as a receptionist and probably would have enjoyed secretarial or clerical work in any office environment where the boss was blessed with normal mental health.

The real worst job I’ve ever done is teaching freshman composition. After I finished the Ph.D. and several years of TAing, during which I taught many sections of both regular and advanced composition, I swore I’d go on welfare before I ever did that again. Years later, I landed a full-time lecturership, which paid as much as an associate professorship, teaching writing and editing to university juniors and seniors. For a long time, this was a fine job. Then after I’d been there about eight years, the university decided to turn that satellite campus into a four-year institution. Everyone was expected to teach freshman comp, whether they had degrees in English or not.

Ugh. I was right the first time around. If I’d wanted to teach high-school kids, I would have gotten a teaching certificate. At least if you teach high school, you can live wherever you choose, not wherever you can get work. In fact, in my desperation I looked into taking a postgraduate teaching certificate: to get it, I would have been required to take the very upper-division courses I was teaching (!), and I would have started at $24,000, a $19,000 cut in pay!

My favorite jobs—because they were the most fun—were editorial positions at Phoenix and Arizona Highways magazines. Journalists don’t earn much, but they have a good time going hungry. I enjoyed every moment, even the overnighters (which came once a month at Phoenix Magazine), loved writing features, loved editing copy, loved working with artists and photographers, and liked all my bosses and colleagues.

And no doubt the best job I’ve had is the one I hold right now, directing a university’s editorial office, where our staff of five does preproduction work for scholarly journals. The workload is almost nil, because I can delegate most of it to my associate editor and three graduate assistants. Pay is not great, but it’s more than I’ve ever made before. And I don’t waste too much of my time sitting around the office.

So…what effect did hypereducation—I have a B.A. in French and an M.A. and Ph.D. in English—have on this mottled career?

The hateful secretarial job required no higher education at all—the previous incumbent had been my cousin, who didn’t yet have an A.A. (she later became a registered nurse). Neither did the nice little receptionist’s job; however, the B.A. did get me the highest starting salary any receptionist had every earned at that firm, a munificent $300 a month.

The teaching assistantships were associated with graduate school: you TAed because you were in the program. The editorial jobs required a B.A. in journalism or English. Again, at Arizona Highways I was paid a premium for the advanced degrees, and in fact I landed the job because the editor was looking for someone with above-average competence.

I fell into the lecturership because I was assuredly the only English Ph.D. in the state with 15 years of real-world writing and editorial experience. At the same time I was hired, the department hired as my opposite number a man with a master’s degree in journalism from Stanford: presumably an M.A. from Stanford = a Ph.D. from Arizona State University, which oughta tell you something. I earned more than he did, though: approximately six dollars a year more.

The doctorate was not de rigueur for the job I’ve got now, but it certainly thrilled the hiring committee. It also got me a starting salary about $30,000 higher than the university had planned to pay the successful applicant.

So yes, the higher ed helped with the jobs I did get. If I’d started in journalism when I finished the B.A., though, by now I’d probably own Phoenix Magazine and be retired on its proceeds.

If I had it to do over, what would I do differently?

Well, if I knew when I was 22 what I know now, I would still get advanced degrees, but you can be sure they wouldn’t be in the humanities. I probably would combine an M.B.A. and an LL.D. in an attempt to develop a heavy-hitting corporate career. Or I would get a Ph.D. in business management, which opens the door to far better-paying academic jobs than you can get with the same degree in the humanities.

There’s no question that higher education, even in the liberal arts, sets you up for better-paying jobs. And there’s also no question that certain degrees, even some that won’t kill you with difficult coursework, will do better for you than others.

So…what are your best and worst jobs? And what would you do differently if you could start from scratch?

Carnival of Money Stories: Labor Day Edition

Welcome to the 75th Carnival of Money Stories! The prospect of a three-day weekend must have brought out the best in our storytellers: quite a few submissions are great tales of financial adventure, some of them very entertaining. I wish I could mark all of them as Editor’s Choices. Those that spun a really fine money yarn are highlighted in Day-Glo red.

Many submissions were good posts but not stories. We saw reports, reviews, hacks, lists of tips, opinion pieces, and even an ad for a convention. A few of these were so interesting I was sorry not to be able to include them. But once again, I’ve reserved this space for actual stories in the classical sense: narratives with a plotline.

The Carnival of Money Stories is recruiting hosts! If you’d like to host a carnival, please visit the carnival’s hosting page to volunteer. It’s a pretty easy job, you get to see a bunch of interesting posts, and it brings a lot of traffic to your site.

* Adam
Your Money Relationship
The Age of No Negotiation: Apartment Edition
Good story! How landlords take advantage of college students

* FFB
Free from Broke
Not Having the Police at a Car Accident Can Cost You
FFB keeps his wits about him after being rear-ended

FMF
Free Money Finance
Review: Macy’s (and the Problem with Gift Cards)
The FMFs receive a gift card for a store that’s not their choice of shopping venues

* Connie Brooks
Blueprint for Financial Prosperity
Babies Are Expensive! Total Cost of Having a Baby
Nothing theoretical here: what childbirth really costs real parents

J. Money
Budgets Are Sexy
Procrastination and Expedia.com: Two of My Very Best Friends
How dawdling saved the author a pocketful of dough

LAL
Living Almost Large
Making Big Purchases
A couple works together to make big financial decisions.

Amy
My Daily Dollars
Please Take a Number
How paying off debt is like waiting in line — a very long line

vh
Funny about Money
Back Again — Temporarily?
The psychosocial cost of a cheap Internet connection

Silicon Valley Blogger
The Digerati Life
15 Fire Safety Tips to Protect Your Life and Home
What you think about when a big sign reading “Fire Danger High” goes up on your block

Single Guy Money
Instant Credit — No Thanks
How long can you stay polite in the face of a high-pressure pitch for a product you didn’t ask for and you don’t want?

Mighty Bargain Hunter
Save Money While You’re Young
Older and wiser, Mighty regrets wild oats thrown to the wind…or to the pizza parlor.

* Lauren
The Business Ethics Blog
Bad Administration is Bad Business
Noxious customer service strikes at the doctor’s office

Todd
Harvesting Dollars
The Opposite of Me
An unjudgmental rumination on some people’s kids

Dorian Wales
The Personal Financier
Outsourcing Our Chores — Do We Overvalue Our Spare Time?
What’s your free time worth? Really?

Madison
My Dollar Plan
My New Retirement Lifestyle Cash Flow
What comes next, after a young mother decides to quit working

NtJS
Not the Jet Set
Frugal Lunch Time Style
How one little kid got her own custom-designed school lunch bag.

* The Happy Rock
Just Canceled Netflix — Trimming the Budget Fat
Interesting (not to say amazing) cautionary tale!

Photo by Katie Rommel-Esham
Wikipedia Commons

* sigh *

Wish I earned four times what a senior editor makes, as young Fabulously Broke is doing as an independent IT guru. If I did…well, then I would.

😉

Last night I learned that the person I hoped would take care of Cassie the Corgie in October, when I’d planned to go to a reunion of my dearest college friends, can’t do it. That leaves me with no babysitter for the dog, and so that means I can’t go. Darn it. I was really looking forward to getting together with these women, only one of whom I’ve seen at all since we graduated from the university forty-two years ago.

Besides the fact that I can’t afford to put the pooch up at a kennel or at the vet’s, I’ve developed a real flinch reflex about that strategy. During my adult life, I’ve had seven dogs and seven cats. For twenty years I was married to a man who loved to travel and who could afford to board the dog while we were in transit. Not once, EVER, have I boarded a pet (dog or cat) and brought it home healthy. Every single time, the animal has come back from the vet’s or the kennel with some ailment or parasite infestation: kennel cough, enteritis, ear mites, ticks, fleas…you name it. What this means is that after you’ve paid the vet to put the dog up for several days, you then get to pay the vet to treat the dog for whatever it picked up at the vet’s kennel! And I really can’t afford to pony up another $100 to get Cassie well on top of the boarding fee, the $100 my car will burn in driving to Sedona, the cost of eating out four days, and the cost of a gift for the hostess. If I earned IT guru money, I could afford to have a petsitter come to the house. Because Cassie won’t use a dog door and won’t go out and do her thing unless you go out and stand there with her, such a person would have to show up twice each day to feed her and then come back and let her out another four times. Or so. We won’t be doing that.

Oh well. I’ve lived forty-two years without seeing old friends. Guess I can manage to get through however many years remain without it.

Then there’s yesterday’s bêtise: I stupidly bought a beautiful little table on megasale at Pier One. It was already marked off a substantial amount. Then I got another 20% discount for taking the floor model.

And then I let the sales dude load it in my car. If I’d done it myself, I would have done it right. The thing fell over at the first turn I made, splitting the pretty painted top. This might have been OK, because the broken part is in a corner and doesn’t show much. Or it wouldn’t, if the table fit in the place I planned to put it. But it doesn’t. It’s two inches too wide! And because I took the extra discount, I can’t take it back.

So now I have a $170 Goodwill item. Bad stupidity!

Yesterday another of my little stupidities came home to roost: I’d agreed to accept a guest post on the uses and misuses of the one-em dash for The Copyeditor’s Desk. This magnum opus arrived yesterday morning. Duh! WordPress won’t do a one-em dash! So now I’ve got a very fine essay full of examples requiring a character that doesn’t exist, as far as I can tell, in the blog’s publishing software.

Then I realized, along about 11:30 last night, that I’d forgotten to go by La Maya’s house and pick up the newspaper, they being out of town. They’ve probably been burgled by now.

Well, I’d better get up, feed the dog, and see what new disasters I can commit.