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Aging in Place…by Damn!

Why in heaven’s name did I never think of this?  It’s so obvious!

Hire someone to come to the house and provide the services you’d get in an old-folkerie.

  • What would be the advantages?
  • What would be the disadvantages?
  • What would be the effect on M’hito?
  • What be the effect on me?

Y’know, my father checked himself into one of the first and most prominent “life-care communities” in Arizona. (Don’tcha just LOVE that marketing euphemism?) The place was called Orangewood…and it was within walking distance of my house in North Central Phoenix.

My mother had refused to go, so he was stuck in their house in Sun City until she croaked over — which she did promptly enough, thanks to her suicidal tobacco habit.

You need to know that he had gone to sea all his adult life, living on naval vessels and commercial tankers. So he was deeply accustomed to living in an institutional environment.

  • He didn’t mind close quarters.
  • He didn’t mind having to behave like he was in jail.
  • He didn’t mind bad food.
  • He didn’t mind other people telling him what to do and when to do it.

Personally, I loathe that lifestyle. Hated living in the dormitory.  And I would — truly — take a flying leap off the North Rim of the Grand Canyon if I were forced to move into one of those nursing-home knock-offs.

Turns out that some alternatives do exist, even though they’re not obvious.

Bear in mind: moving into one of those awful “life-care communities” will take ALL of your life savings.

So…uhmmmm…. If you decline any such move, will you not then still have your sticky little hands on said life savings?

And if that’s the case, couldn’t YOU decide how said L.S.’s will be spent, on whom, and when?

  • Why could you not sic your financial representative on the agencies and organizations you’d need to hire? Have him ride herd on them, see that they’re paid, that they do the job, and they don’t cheat you.
  • Helle’s belles, hire a second financial rep — or a lawyer — to ride herd on the first one.
  • It would be complicated as Hell and you’d need to have honest, reliable representatives…but…it could be done. Couldn’t it?

See the gist of what I’m saying here? You could hire your own people to provide the services you get from a “life-care community.”

You’d need more than one person. Taking care of an ailing oldster is no easy task…and it is, as a practical matter, a 24-hour job. You’d probably need at least three people, to cover three eight-hour shifts.

Hiring three people to hang around and watch over you 24 hours a day would, indeed, cost an arm and a leg and then some. But remember: when you move into one of those life-care outfits, they take everything you have.

To move to Orangewood, my father had to fork over his entire life savings, including the funds he got from the sale of his paid-off house. And though he wasn’t John D. Rockefeller, as an inveterate cheapskate he had piled up quite a mound of cash to see him and my mother through their dotage.

Okay. So: what are we looking at, if instead we hire private staff to babysit us in our own dotage?

  • What would be the advantages?

* They would be my employees, not beholden to some company acting as a holding pen to store my body while we wait for me to die.

* Therefore, I could hire and fire at will. If I were dissatisfied, I could find someone else to come in.

  • What would be the disadvantages?

* I or my son would have to ride herd on them.

* This would mean we not only would have to be sure they were paid fairly and on time, but also that income-tax documents were filed and that the employees understood their responsibilities for paying their taxes.

* Any dishonesty or shiftiness on their part could have painful consequences for us.

* Any loss of marbles on my part could also have painful consequences, for everyone involved.

* And of course, having someone in your face every day would be, for a loner like me, quite the little adjustment…

  • What would be the effect on M’jito?

* It would foist an untoward responsibility on him, one that could be quite a burden.

* If tax reports were incorrectly filed through no fault of his or mine, the government could harass us.

* It would free up large amounts of time for him, during which he would not have to ride herd on me.

  • What would be the effect on me?

* No doubt I would be less than perfectly pleased to have someone underfoot all the time — at least 8 hours a day, and maybe more than that.

* On the other hand, if it would keep me out of an old-folkerie, no doubt I could somehow make myself adjust…

In some ways, it’s a toss-up, isn’t it….

3 thoughts on “Aging in Place…by Damn!”

  1. This is fairly common. Check for home care agencies. They are licensed, bonded and insured, which you really need.

  2. My mom is quite infirm (severe aftereffects of a stroke + dementia) and we have relied on caregiver support for years. Our family’s experience is that we had to have a family member living in my mom’s home as well as the paid caregivers coming in. The only reason my mom is not in a nursing home at this point is that one of my siblings moved in with her.

    The problems with relying solely on paid caregivers if you have severe physical or memory problems:
    * You tend to need a roster of them– 4-5, ideally if you can find that many– each coming different days/times
    * 24×7 coverage is prohibitively expensive (my mom is not safe alone: she cannot move independently)
    * Certain types of caregivers are not legally allowed to even get out and hand the person their medications
    * Some people don’t want to be booked when there are other things to do (attend festivals, have family holidays, watch football games, etc.)
    * Sometimes caregivers will no-show or will say that they won’t be coming at the last minute
    * Some caregivers have difficult personalities. My mom has one who gets emotional and won’t let things go, which is hard for someone with dementia who doesn’t even remember what the person is mad at them about
    * Some caregivers are quietly untrustworthy. We have had thefts of cash
    * If you’re paying the caregivers using insurance (my mom’s LTC covers a percentage of it), the online management and documentation side is a nuisance

    For us, paid caregivers are still necessary so that my sibling is not housebound and so that my sibling can get a few full nights’ sleep each week while a caregiver is present to respond to my mom’s overnight needs. Despite the drawbacks, I do think that– as long as my sibling is committed to making this sacrifice– having my mom at home is better for my mom. We have had negative experiences with balls being dropped when my mom had to be in nursing homes for post-fall rehab. But it is not easy and would not be doable with paid caregivers alone.

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