Coffee heat rising

August in (un)Lovely Arizona

Seven a.m. sharp. Just back from a mile-long walk through the ‘Hood and Upper Richistan with Ruby the Corgi. Weather is HIDEOUS. Hot, cloudless, but dripping wet.

This did mean, mercifully, fewer nitwits trotting around behind their “fur-babies,” which meant less pestering, fewer evasion maneuvers, and faster progress. Usually our route is littered with numbskulls who want your dog to socialize with their dog, which they confuse with their kid.

So this morning hardly anyone was out, thank the soggy heavens. I reckon that’s because a) relatively few people are in town — August is escape month around here — and b) those who are in town aren’t given to braving 112-degree weather when it’s so wet the water rolls off your face and down your back the minute you step out the front door.

No sign of Pool Dude having been here.  That suggests one of two things:

a) He’s having car trouble; or
b) He’s wrestling with some unholy problem in someone else’s pool.

Either way: Lucky Him, eh?

No sign, either, of the much-vaunted monsoon rains. Those summer storms, which blow up from the Sea of Cortes in August when it gets hot and muggy here, treat us to spectacular lightning shows and — more to the point — drop the temp a good 20 degrees in the course of an hour or two. This makes the late afternoons and evenings tolerable and keeps the inside of your house in the air-conditionable range.

As it is in this morning’s state of meteorological affairs: nope! It is HOTTER THAN THE HUBS in the house. Ruby and I have moved into the middle bedroom, located right underneath the air conditioner. This status means that the freshly cooled air said machine emits goes directly into that room. It’s the only room in the house that’s reasonably comfortable all day and into the night.

Unfortunately, though, when Big Corporate Brother took television away from us (no, I am not paying for hour on hour of schlock shot through with advertising), I converted that room from the TV Room into a bedroom. But, alas, didn’t have enough sense to buy a full- or queen-sized bed. A twin bed is not great for an adult American, and it’s really too narrow for a human and a dog.

And nice try, but have you ever attempted to say “no” to a corgi?

Noooo way in Hell is that hound gonna be kept off the bed.

***

Jeeeminee! Lookit this: SIX CARS pile up on the unlovely I-17 freeway, the route that loops around the city and then heads for Flagstaff. The 17 to Thunderbird and then westerly, westerly, ever-westerly to the campus was the route I used to take when I worked at ASU West.

Or it was for awhile, anyway. After a bit, the endlessly repeated dramas persuaded me to take the surface streets, all the way.

Oddly, driving up there on the surface roads doesn’t take much longer…probably because they aren’t that heavily trafficked and because the stretch on the freeway is only about half the distance to the campus — or less, maybe.

***

8:30 a.m. Still no Pool Dude. He’s normally here and long gone by this hour.

{sigh}  This development now means one of (at least) seven things. Take your pick:

  • He’s caught the epizootic and is sick in bed. Or worse: in some hospital ward…
  • His truck broke down and he’s wrestling with trying to get it started.
  • He got in an accident while driving to a job and is now screwed, screwed, ge-screwed.
  • He had some major problem with a pool at a client’s house where he goes before he comes here.
  • He’s PO’ed at me because I had Swimming Pool Service & Repair address a problem that looked to me like it was More Major than he was equipped to address.
  • He’s decided to quit the pool maintenance bidness and is leaving it to his (former) customers to figure that out.
  • My phones aren’t working, and when (if) he tried to call me, he couldn’t get through.

None of these is a good sign.

He also may, of course, have keeled over from a heat stroke. How outdoor workers manage to survive laboring in an Arizona summer remains a mystery. Gerardo’s guys were over here the other day, tooling around the yard as though this unholy heat were a balmy spring day. They just amaze me.

Today is supposed to be relatively cool, saith the Wunderground folks. It’s only supposed to reach 110. But…by Thursday: 114. Saturday and Sunday: 116. And then chilling back down to 114 next Monday.

Just hope to Gawd the air-conditioner holds. It’s an aging unit now — I had it installed shortly after I moved in here, which was more than the day before yesterday… Soon, that thing is gonna give up the ghost and have to be replaced. And the harder it has to work, the sooner it’s gonna crap out.

****

Okay, call WonderAccountant: is Our Beloved Luz, the Cleaning Lady from Heaven, due today?

Nope. Not till next week.

uh-HUH. Well, on one level, that’s a relief: I am fully not in the mood for the Cleaning Lady Jamboree.

On another: uhmmmm…. I don’t see a record in the checkbook that I paid her last week. Holeee Sh!t…did I fail to pay her? {moan}  Yet another confusion to try to figure out.

While WA and I are on the phone, BING-BONG!!!

Front door. Some turkey is out there going door-to-door. I chase him off. He gets nasty. Take a flyer, chucklehead!

****

Heh heh heh…How d’you like this as a sign for the front gate?

NO SOLICITING, PLEASE!

We are not interested in anything you are selling.

We are not interested in your political campaign.

We have already signed your petition,

or, if not, have already decided not to sign it.

DO NOT PESTER BY JANGLING THE DOORBELL, PLEASE.

The answer is and always will be

NO!

Seriously….like Life doesn’t have enough hassles without some goofball showing up at your door trying to pitch some product, some political hustle, some petition for something you don’t care about?

Welp…still no sign of Pool Dude. That makes him about three or four hours late, since he usually surfaces around 7 or 8 a.m. It’s hotter than the Hubs out there, so I think the path of least resistance will be to wait until this evening before hooking up the hose vac. Then schlep the leaves and gunk off the bottom.

That could be contraindicated by the time of year: in mid-summer, we often get dust storms late in the afternoon, which is what dumped the present mound of trash in there.

Welp…it’s after noon. I’d better get off my duff and fix a decent meal, since the sky is clabbering up and that means there’s a good shot the weather will be antithetical to grilling the swell slab of mahi I’ve got sitting in the freezer. And so…awayyyy…

Stay cool!

Passing WARM…Passing on to Afternoon from Hell!

We’re told the World is going to Hell in a climate-warming handcart, ohhhhh eeeek! Be scared. Be very scared.

Uhm. Ohh-kay.

It’s only 111 on the back porch, a little short of 11 a.m.. That’s passing warm, but nothing to get hysterical about. This being, after all, the first week of July. When we say “hotter’n’the fourth of July” in these parts, we’re not kidding.

No. I’ve seen 120-degree days here, when planes couldn’t take off from Sky Harbor because the air was so hot they couldn’t get enough lift to clear a runway. And yes, that was before the Climate Change Hysteria took a-hold.

Not that I don’t believe the planet’s climate is warming…

It probably is.

But if so, take note: it’s not the first time! We’ve had whole geologic ages whose climate was much warmer than what we’ve seen over the past few centuries. for all we know, what we’re seeing now may be normal for the earth, and what we saw in the 18th and 19th centuries may have reflected a cold spell.

So calm down, f’rhevvinsake.

Meanwhile, the dawg and I are fricaseeing.

Gerardo showed up as dawn cracked to repair a busted irrigation pipe. Talk about your Man of Steel! He fixed it, collected a nominal fee, and shot off down the road.

That guy is just flat amazing.

**************

5:29 p.m.

Wow! Talk about your Days from Hell…

Actually, it wasn’t all that bad. Infernal, yes: heat-wise. But hassle-wise? Just middling.

Phoenix’s garden-spot climate reached about 110 come 3:00 this afternoon. Conveniently, this was when I was out driving around, doing battle with my fellow homicidal drivers. HOLEE shee-ut, driving around in this heat is about as unadvised as unadvised can get.

But o’course, you have no choice. If you’re gonna do the things that need to be done, you’re gonna have to drive.

A few cheery highlights:

Wanna drive out to the credit union, way to Hell & Gone out at the ASU West campus. To get there, I’ve gotta get gas. Soooo….  I drop by the big ole Circle K station that lurks between here and the freeway.

Stand in line stand in line stand in line stand in line…pull up to a pump.

Put my credit card in.

The damn thing won’t accept my AMEX card. It tells me to go inside to pay.

F@ck!

Trudge through the heat and into the “convenience” (hah!) store.

Stand in line stand in line stand in line stand in line… Finally get up to a human. He says “do this, that.” I say “but I just did this and did that.” More people are standing in line. I do not feel like inducing any more frustration, either in them or in myself.

F@ckit! I think. I’ll just back-track to the GOOD gas station, way Hell and gone 20 blocks in the opposite direction from where I’m going.

***

Pull up to a pump.

It won’t take my credit card.

Goddammit!

Into this inconvenience store.

Stand in line stand in line stand in line stand in line…  Here the service dude actually dispenses service: he comes outside, bats around and bats around and finally gets the goddamn thing to work!  Not directly charging to AMEX, but at least it pumps gas into the tank.

Back to stand in line stand in line stand in line stand in line… Pay up.

It is hotter than the proverbial hubs. Seriously.

Now it’s getting late. Rush hour is shifting into full swing.

Am I REALLY going to drive way to Hell and Gone out to ASU West just to argue with the credit union folks? In the 112-degree heat?

Seriously?

Yeah, I do need to visit a Sprouts, and the store next to the campus IS the best Sprouts store in the Valley.

But…but…but…in this heat, does “need” to visit translate to “have” to visit?

Hell, no!

Will the CU even still be open by the time I get out there?

Probably. But…

Ohhhhhh Hell noooooooooo!

Throw in the cards and head back to the Funny Farm.

***

FLY out into the backyard and pour an extra dose of water on the potted plants in back. Hot. Hot. Hot. and Hot.

Plants seem to be surviving for the nonce, but that won’t last long without at least two waterings on a day like this.

Toss the hose in the pool, turn the spigot to Full Blast, and set the timer for 15 minutes. That should (I hope) replace the two or three inches that have evaporated since this time y’day.

***

Open the mail.

AMEX bill is…well…yeah: STAGGERING.

Can’t make the credit union’s infuriating website let me in to see whether there’s enough cash on hand to cover that particular outrage.

Call on the phone.

Irritating yakathon runaround…

Irritating yakathon runaround…

Irritating yakathon runaround…

Irritating yakathon runaround…

FINALLY a human being picks up.

Yes. There’s a vast pile of money in there (thanks to Dollars Dude, who has transferred it over from Fidelity). So yes, I can pay the AMEX bill.

By now I am just freakin’ TOOOOO TIRED to jump through that hoop safely. Decide to put the chore off until tomorroe.

 

Never a Dull Moment

Ohhhhhh lordie! IS there some reason why there’s never a dull moment around the Funny Farm?

5:00 a.m.: Roll out of the sack. Stumble around. Throw on some clothes, feed the dog preparatory to going out the door by 5:30 for the morning Doggy Walk, which at this time of year needs to be accomplished before the sun comes up.

5:05 a.m.: ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF GROWL ARF ARF SNARGLE GROWL ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF…

ahhhh shee-ut! NOW what?

Stumble out to the kitchen, where Ruby is banging against the back door.

Gerardo’s crew: they’re here to trim the damnable palm trees.

I forgot.

Now we’re stuck here while those guys wrestle with the Job from Hell, in the meantime trashing the swimming pool by tossing filthy palm fronds into the water.

Whenever they leave, I’ll have to call Pool Dude to get him over to clean up that mess. Do I even have his phone number? If so, where is it??????

Oh shitoshitoshitoshit this was NOT how I wanted to start the day!

As long as the back gate is open, collect and haul the garbage out to the alley. Another fine way I would hope not to start a day.

Someone has dragged the communal garbage can wayyyyy down the alley, so hauling this stuff is an annoying hike. I’ll have to ask these guys to haul that trash can back up where it belongs. That’ll be a trick, since they don’t speak English.

Better, probably, to wait till after the trash pickup and drag it back myself.

Trash pickup…ohhhhh sheee-UT if the city employees see my guys dumping stuff in the alley, I’ll get a citation!

Ohhhh well. At least our boys waited until after the July 4 festivities were over. Around here, morons set off fireworks right and left, often catching fire to houses and plantings. My house is surrounded with lots of flammables, so…this is my LEAST favorite holiday.

***

HOLEE mackerel, you’ve never seen a man WORK until you’ve watched a campesino working. What are those men made of?

And they don’t even seem especially fazed…not at a job that would kill me — very likely in a literal sense — if I tried to do it.

Soon as the gents are done, I’ll have to call Pool Dude to come help clean up the mess. Won’t he be pleased?

Mr. and Mrs. Wonderaccount, who live across the street, had their accursed palm trees removed. As I recall, they hired Gerardo’s guys to do that job. Whenever he comes around, I’ll have to ask him how much he’d charge to take the things out.

Hate to kill them…but GAWD they are a nuisance! Especially anywhere near a pool. They don’t cast any shade. They don’t do anything except drop seeds, dried blossoms, and dead fronds…and attract lightning bolts.

Just what everyone needs in their backyard, eh?

Whenever Gerardo comes around, I’ll have to ask him how much he’d charge to take the damn things out. Then have Financial Dude break loose some money for the purpose. I guess.

Meanwhile…too much coffee on an empty stomach. Gotta get some food!

Hotter than a Two-Dollar Cookstove!

That was my father’s saying. Never heard it from anyone else…some sort of Southernism, I reckon.

It’s only 108 out there, but for some inscrutable reason, it seems hotter than that. I’d have guessed 112, if I hadn’t seen the back-porch thermometer. Wunderground, my fave weather site, claims it’s just 107. And truly NOT humid. Why it feels so damn hot, I dunno…but boyoboy, it sure does!

Wunderground does remark that June was the hottest month on record, but that generalizes around the northern hemisphere, not specifically here in Lovely Uptown Phoenix.

And I’m sorry but I DON’T consider 107 to be extremely hot.

This is amusing, speaking of Wunderground. Alas, they don’t publish a typescript of this squib, so you have to sit through a not-very-entertaining talkathon…but at least you can get an idea of what’s going on.

****

Hmmmm…. Apparently we have an explanation for the weirdness of the hotness: we humans who exist in the sunlit side of the planet just lived through the Earth’s hottest day on record.

Be scared. Be very scared.

 

 

All Fools’ Eve: July 4

Not even dark yet, and the morons around the ‘Hood are setting off their bang-bangs. This will go on into the night, probably till about 1 a.m. What fine patriotic fun, hm?

My alley wall is festooned with cat’s-claw vines, wonderful fodder for fireworks-inspired spectacles. So, no matter how tired I happen to feel (and lemme tellya: this damn covid bug really wrings you out!!), I have to stay awake and keep an eye on the shrubbery, so as to call the fire dept if a fire gets started out there.

Not a big order, though: even if by some miracle the human could sleep through this evening’s series of explosions, Ruby is terrorized by the racket. Even safely ensconced on the bed, she cowers and cringes and flinches with each crashing BAM! So in addition to keeping alert to the flammable shrubbery, the human has to try to quiet and soothe a terrified little dog.

Some holiday!

You think I exaggerate? Every year someone loses their house to fireworks here. Never fails.

My son is too depressed to get together this evening. That notwithstanding, I do hope some of his friends managed to lure him out. But do not know and will not know until tomorrow.

wait wait…i take that back! He just emailed from his house. Probably just as well…one doesn’t want to be too far from the flammable homestead with all the amateur fireworks shenanigans going on.

***

Blew away part of the afternoon ogling real estate ads. Looking at houses over on the east side of Central Avenue, which would be out of the purview of Tony’s social service empire.

Whaddaya think of this shack?

I believe this is in the general neighborhood of where SDXB and his former wife Donna lived. The other day I happened to drive through that area and realized it’s pretty nice. Well kept, green, pleasantly middle-class.

LOOK at the price!!!!!  {gasp}

And yet…. and yet, I could probably get something similar for my house. The house on State would no doubt go for more, but not enough so to bankrupt me.

It has no pool — which some might say is a good thing. It also has no backyard. They apparently have enlarged the house to such an extent that it occupies most of the lot. Is that even legal???

Still…it’s only 1621 square feet. And mine is 1628. So it’s the same size as my shack.

And there’s NOOOO Romanian Landlord within a hundred yards of the damn place!

On the other side of the canal, east of State and north of Orangewood, there’s this…

It’s only (“only”!!!!) $580,000. Can’t say I’m real impressed with it, but since I can probably get around 500 grand for my house, it would be a little more do-able. Has a pool, for what that’s worth…more like a puddle, actually. Living room effectively clones M’jito’s house.

Here’s one on Desert Park, east of 7th Street… A little bit further north. But I don’t think I can afford the price:  Looks like they’re stilll renovating it. Nice little back porch, plenty of room for Ruby to run around, and no pool! Hmmmm….

And here’s one on Nicolet — the very street where XDXB and his former wife used to live.  Look at the price! and it’s TINY: 2 beds, 2 baths!  And get this: a price INCREASE of 75 grand…for THAT?????<

This one is a little less laughable…until you notice that they’re asking something north of 800 grand! 

Geez! Aint real estate bizarre? I should get a license and go to work with my coreligionist…just for the laughs!

RIP, Charley the Golden Retriever

CharleyThe white retriever, actually. Charley was a breeder’s fancified version of a golden: a typical furry golden, but with all white hair.

Charley passed on to his furry fathers yesterday. He had a congenital ailment called megaesophagus, and it finally killed him.

That, and age. I believe he was 12 years old, a very long life for such a large and overbred dog. I remember thinking, when M’hijto got him, that he’d probably live about nine years. He outlived Cassie the Corgi and he outlived my guess. So he did pretty well for himself.

What next, I know not. My son is not speaking to me over the phone…partly, I expect because he doesn’t feel up for speaking and partly because during the weekdays he’s on the phone nine hours a day, working out of his home office for an insurance company that, recognizing the enormous savings occasioned by accommodation to the pandemic, announced they were closing their Arizona offices and henceforth everyone would be working from home. So now he manages a crew of insurance adjusters over the phone.

Can you imagine? I can’t…thank goodness I was born 30 years too soon!

Meanwhile, I wonder what the guy will do next, in the canine companion department.

If it were me, I would pause before investing another large pile of dough in an overbred pup.

If you want a certain breed, the local Humane Society has just about any breed your heart desires, at a vastly reduced price. Problem is, you have no idea what’s happened to the dog during its existence, and how it’s likely to behave now. But…that’s where I got Cassie the Corgi, who was just about the best dog I’ve ever had.

***

Meanwhile, speaking of dogs and that which we miss…  Ruby has been on the lookout for Pool Dude since about 7:00 this morning. Nary a sign of him.

It is Monday, right? {checks computer calendar}  Yep. He should’ve been here three hours ago.

Seriously: she knows when it’s Monday. Exactly how she knows escapes me. I don’t unlock the gate (he has a key). I don’t yammer at her that Pool Dude is on the way. She just knows.

The pool needs some attention…like, right now. I did clean out the skimmer basket (chuckablock full of leaves and palm tree debris) and the pump pot basket. But have neither the gear nor the products on hand to refurbish the chemicals, so if he doesn’t show up in a day or so, we’re gonna have a green pool.

So. I guess whenever I finish scribbling this blog post — i.e., right about now — I’m gonna have to get off my duff, trot a bottle of pool water up to the favored Leslie’s store, get it tested, and buy some chemicals for this week’s water-balancing act.

That, o’course, will risk missing the guy, which means I’ll have to re-test the water when I get back.

And in the meantime, I’ll also have to track down some references to a new Pool Dude.

{sigh}

nothin’ else to do with my time, eh?