Funny about Money

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. ―Edmund Burke

Why Do Old People Take So Long to Get Out of the House?

This sounds like one of those stupid Quora questions, most of them posed by bored 14-year-olds in Bangladesh: Why, damn it, why does it take so goddamn LONG to get out of the house when you’re old? The older you get, the more time it takes to get into the car.

This morning I needed to leave at 8:30 to meet my son and schlep the sick dog to the vet, way to hell and gone over in the downscale section of Paradise Valley, which is a hefty long way from here through post-rush-hour traffic.

Up at 5:30, the usual hour. You’d think three hours would be plenty of time to get ready and out the door, eh? Not so…

  • Check e-mail.
  • Scan headlines.
  • Laugh at news, in the mode of anyone who lives in a freaking Monty Python Show.
  • Discover Charley’s symptoms could occur if he had been munching on compost, as dogs will do.
  • E-mail son; realize he won’t see e-mail.
  • E-mail two friends, only one of whom is likely to be up at that hour; ask them to text him w/ message to keep dog away from compost.
  • Try to print out one page on compost toxicity for vet; find printer isn’t working.
  • Fart with printer; get it working with one unit but not the other. E-mail page to self, open it on other computer, print it out, fold up printout, jam it in purse which is too small to hold another scrap of junk.
  • Clean the pool.
  • Realize I forgot to shock-treat last night; realize I can’t do that until tonight.
  • Clean out pool equipment preparatory to this evening’s shock treat.
  • Jump in the pool.
  • Realize I can’t shower and wash hair in the hose because guys blacktopping the streets are running around in big contraptions tall enough to let the driver peer over the wall.
  • Draw bath.
  • Feed dogs.
  • Start coffee.
  • Jump in bath, wash hair.
  • Race to kitchen, grab boiling pot, pour water over coffee in French press.
  • Back to bathroom. Grab comb, yank tangles out of hair.
  • Cut up an apple, cheese; grab nuts, grab blueberries; put on serving dish.
  • Assemble snacks for begging dogs, by way of keeping them out of my hair while I’m eating.
  • Pour coffee, grab plates of food, retreat to deck for breakfast.
  • Consume food while holding off dogs with cheese, carrots, blueberries and pieces of kibble and reading an Economist article.
  • Back to bathroom: paint face.
  • Finish getting dressed.
  • Back to bathroom: braid hair.
  • Throw ice in a mug, pour in iced tea, put in car.
  • Leave outgoing mail in mailbox, raise flag.
  • Lock doors.
  • Lock doors.
  • Lock doors.
  • Check on dogs.
  • Lock yet another door.
  • Fly out of the garage, running only 5 minutes late.

Huh. Come to think of it, I suppose it’s surprising, in a good way (sort of) that it “only” takes three hours to get out of here.

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Author: funny

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4 Comments

  1. This is funny to me and I’m only 42. When I was in my 20’s I could wake up, get full on ready and be out the door in 20 minutes. Now, I often wake up earlier just to go to the gym, which involves none of the getting ready part, and it still takes 25 minutes just to get out the door. How? I have no idea.

    So it’s a slow burn 🙂

    • Every now and again, I ponder the mystery. Consider the myriad possibilities:

      1. We did not have to paint our faces every time we go out, to avoid scaring small children.

      2. We did not have security doors on every opening in the house, and so we didn’t have to check to be sure six hinged doors (two locks each) and three sliders (three locks each) were locked.

      3. We did not have to maintain a swimming pool (hmmm…).

      4. We did not fuss with the dog: the dog was either indoors or outdoors; didn’t matter much which.

      5. It would never have entered our cute, unpainted little heads to take water or tea or coffee with us in the car!!!

      6. We did not have email to fiddle with.

      7. We did not have Facebook to (ditto)l

      8. We read newspapers, which unlike online news feeds were not hypnotic.

      9. Our business did not require us to keep up-to-date with arcana like _The Economist_.

      10. Our house had a shower that did not have to be wiped dry every time you use it, and so we were more inclined to use the shower instead of the bath tub.

      11. Often, we did not eat breakfast.

      12. We moved faster then.

      • LOL – I’m 82 (and tend to forget I’m “old.”) But what I know is that if it’s someplace I want to go (as opposed to have to go) I can still be up, dressed and out of the house in 20 minutes max. Of course, there may be all kinds of things to take care of when I get back home, but I have time then.

  2. @ Ellie: 20 minutes!?!?!?! Must be jet-propelled! 😀