Coffee heat rising

Annals of the Floored & Flabbergasted

Annals of Fraud: Can You Steal a Corporation’s Identity?

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Day from Hell #1,247,679: The Editor struggles to get through 80 pages of the MOST arcane prose imaginable, written in Chinglish (no rudeness intended: Client  hires Editor with the express purpose of please translating her one-helluva-lot-better-than-my-Chinese English into Academicese, which is not English either but which is amiably incomprehensible to native speakers of any language known to earthly humans).

This elicits a number of Actions from the Gods, led mostly by the jolly Zeus (“jolly” is in the eye of the beholder: earthly humans think he has a warped sense of humor):

1. Apple’s fragile and frikkin’ e-mail system crashes. Again. For the third time since the whole lash-up was transferred to the endlessly annoying iCloud.

2. Apple’s frikkin’ update to iTunes DISAPPEARS all my music and (goddammit) also disappears my selection of radio stations, some of which might be expected to emit the type of noise desired to break up the blizzard-like Brain White-Out occasioned by trying to edit the above Chinglish, so that maybe I can stay awake long enough to finish the job, which is now beginning to run unduly late.

3. Recourse to the various forums that substitute for help in the Apple universe reveals that a) these are known issues (i.e., they’re happening to other customers) and b) no one else is getting a meaningful answer either.

4. This means I have to interrupt an already difficult day by making an appointment at the local Apple store, whereinat I will have to fly into ANOTHER STRATOSPHERIC RAGE to get these issues (especially the e-mail) fixed.

Thinking of buying a Mac? Helpful hint: If, when unhappy with the latest stupid stuff, you make noises that are loud enough for other customers to overhear your yelling and stamping your dainty little foot, you WILL get the issue fixed. It’s amazing.

5. Last night after dark (as usual) the mail carrier delivers a notice from Chase Business Card Services informing me that some dude I’ve never heard of has tried to open a credit card account for The Copyeditor’s Desk. This means I have to spend a good half the day in the following enterprises:

a) Get Human at Chase. Discuss.
b) Get Human at one of the three major credit bureaus. At length one is found, in Bangladesh. He has no clue what I’m talking about.
c) Try to Get Human at FTC. Heeeee!
d) Try to Get Human at Dun & Bradstreet. SNARK!
e) Get Human at credit union. Mission accomplished, to rather little avail.
f) Get Human at American Express. Mission accomplished, and useful advice received.
f) Try to Get Human at Experian, the credit bureau from which Chase pulled CE Desk’s credit report. Mission partially accomplished after calling FIVE DIFFERENT GODDAMN PHONE NUMBERS: fraud alert emanated to all three major credit bureaus, but because this is a fraud on a business and not on a person, the effort is probably for naught. Human advises
….1) calling the police, and
….2) reporting fraud to Dun & Bradstreet.
g) Try again to report fraud to Dun & Bradstreet. Exercise in futility.
h) Call police. Talk to nice lady at police station. Agree to wait around all day for officers to show up and take report.
i) Call police-lady back later in day; explain need to schlep computer to Apple Store as unplanned emergency business meeting (which it sorta is); receive explanation from police-lady as to the unholy reason her officers have been detained elsewhere, Gawd help us. Inquire as to safety and well-being of officers; receive semi-assurance that they seem to be OK, we think.
j) Drive to Apple store. Find route closed where cops are still dealing with aftermath of (i) (see above).
k) Raise Hell and put a block under it. Get e-mail fixed on one computer but (as it develops) not on the other. Get explanation of absolutely STUPID AND INFURIATING new iteration of iTunes. Want to fly down the throat of Apple upper management goons and throttle the bastards from the inside. Move on.
l) Return to Funny Farm. Figure out, on own, how to fix Apple Effing Mail on desktop iMac, largely because Apple Genius has fixed whatever-the-Eff he fixed on flicking iCloud.
m) Devise a series of new excuses to clients and friends; make new business and other appointments.
n) Continue to try to figure out how or if to cope with attempted S-corporation identity theft. How do you steal a corporation’s identity, anyhow?

6. Seek advice from Accountant, most of whose practice consists of small businesses. Receive intelligence that the three major credit bureaus (Experien, Equifax, and Transunion) are no longer the only major players spying on our every move.

When it comes to reporting and evaluating business credit histories, Experian, Transunion, and Equifax also have small business divisions that are devoted to tracking the business credit histories for every business and corporation.

Experian is one of the three primary consumer credit reporting agencies who has also begun to provide credit evaluations for businesses and corporations. BusinessExperian offers a wide range of services, including Business Verification, Business Credit Scores, Business Credit Reports, Business Credit Monitoring, and Business Public Records. Experian’s Small Business Services also offers Consumer Mailing Lists and Business Leads.

Here is the pertinent information you will need in order to contact Experian for questions related to business credit:
Mailing Address
EXPERIAN
P.O Box 9532
Allen, TX 75013
Website:http://www.experian.com/small-business/index.html
Phone: (800) 520-1221

TRANSUNION is another of the primary consumer credit reporting agencies who also provides business and corporate credit histories. In addition to Business Credit Reporting, Transunion also provides assistance to small business owners through Marketing Services, Fraud and Identity Management, Risk Management, and Collections Management.

Here is the pertinent information you will need in order to contact Transunion for questions related to business credit:
Mailing Address
TRANSUNION
P.O Box 6790
Fullerton, CA 92834-6790
Website: http://www.transunion.com/corporate/business/business.page
Email: contactdesk@transunion.com
Phone: (800) 813-5604

EQUIFAX SMALL BUSINESS ENTERPRISE is the business division of one of the primary consumer credit rating bureaus. Equifax Small Business Enterprise provides business credit histories and evaluations for over 22,000,000 small businesses and corporations. In addition to Business Credit, Equifax offers assistance to small business owners related to Data Management, Data Reporting, Fraud, Marketing, and Risk.

Here is the pertinent information you will need in order to contact Equifax for questions related to business credit:
Mailing Address
EQUIFAX SMALL BUSINESS ENTERPRISE
P.O Box 740241
Atlanta, GA 30374-0241
Email: businessreports@equifax.com
Website: http://www.equifax.com/commercial/en_us
Phone: (888) 202-4025

In addition to these three agencies that have their origins in personal consumer credit reporting, there are also several other business credit reporting agencies that are devoted solely to business credit reporting and evaluation. These business credit reporting agencies include Dun & Bradstreet, Credit.net, AccurintRBusiness, and ClientChecker.

DUN & BRADSTREET (D&B) is, without a doubt, the most well-known and established business credit reporting agency. D&B has compiled business credit profiles on hundreds of millions of global companies and corporations. In addition to Business Credit information, D&B can also assist small businesses collect debt from customers, find new customers, and research new opportunities.

Here is the pertinent information you will need in order to contact Dun & Bradstreet for questions related to business credit:
DUN & BRADSTREET
Website: http://smallbusiness.dnb.com
Email: sbssupport@dnb.com
Phone: (800) 333-0505

CREDIT.NET – Credit.net is a division of InfoUSA that generates credit reports on over 14,000,000 businesses and corporations. 6,000,000 of the reports in their database have been completed on small businesses with four employees or less. With a Credit.net business credit report, you can make better decisions on extending small lines of credit, locate data on small, privately-owned businesses, verify the existence of a business, and identify headquarters and lines of business credit.

Here is the pertinent information you will need in order to contact Credit.net for questions related to business credit:
Mailing Address
CREDIT.NET
5711 S. 86th Circle
Omaha, NE 68127
Website: http://credit.net
Phone: (800) 993-5323

ACCURINTRBUSINESS – This is a new business that is a combination of forces between LexisNexis, one of the leading providers of business services and information and the Better Business Bureau (BBB). With a business credit report from AccurintRBusiness, you can get all the information you need on over 150,000,000 small U.S. businesses in order to make better decisions on vendors, partners, customers and competitors. In addition to Company Profiles (including addresses, phone numbers, DBAs, etc.) you will also receive credit and payment data, public record data (such as bankruptcies, judgments, tax liens, and UCC, associated businesses and principals, and a Better Business Bureau membership report.

Here is the pertinent information you will need in order to contact AccurintRBusiness for questions related to business credit:
Mailing Address
ACCURINTRBUSINESS
Website: www.accurintbusiness.com
Email: accurintbusiness@lexisnexis.com
Phone: (866) 528-0776

ClientChecker – This is a credit reporting bureau that started in 2003 and specifically targets small businesses, freelance professionals, and contractors seeking information to help them determine which other businesses they should do business with. ClientChecker Business Credit Reports provide a comprehensive summary of users’ trade payment experiences with their clients. Business Credit Reports are created when the users of ClientChecker and BillingTracker invoicing software report that their clients have paid on time, late, or not at all. The data from each user is combined to produce a business credit report of average days paid late, number of incidences of non-payment, and a PayQuo™ score.

To coin a phrase: Holy sh!t.

And so, to choir practice…

12 Things I Would’ve Thought I’d Never Live to See

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A dozen amazing things that were unimaginable when I was a little kid:

• A human-made camera in orbit around Saturn, taking a photo of the earth.

• A Black President in the White House.

• A woman as Secretary of State.

• A woman in charge of the Fed.

• A woman as CEO of a company she didn’t start herself.

• Every car equipped with seat belts and air bags.

• Cars that run upwards of 100,000 miles.

• Mobile phones that function as tiny computers and cameras

• Solar panels that actually work.

• The Colorado River threatening to run dry, depicted in an eye-popping graphic.

• Open-source classical music you can access or download free of charge — as digitized music or as scores.

• Fifteen percent of Americans on food stamps.

Earth-Moon_system_as_seen_from_Saturn_(PIA17171)

Image: Earth-moon system as seen from Saturn. NASA. Public domain.

Does a $1200 Purse Make You Upper-Class?

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Here’s news from New York of a designer handbag store that, we’re told, has “an Upstairs, Downstairs feel, or more precisely U. and non-U., to borrow the linguist Alan S. C. Ross’s shorthand for ‘upper class’ and the aspiring masses made famous by the Nancy Mitford essay The English Aristocracy.”

Here our intrepid reporter, possessed of a winsomely dry wit, comes across “a neat little sports car of a clutch from the Marano family (presumably dotty Italian noblemen cousins), a model favored by Kate Middleton, a salesclerk told me.” The price? $1,195. “‘The clasp is a removable clock,’ he [said].”

LOL! I thought I’d fall off my chair laughing!

It gets better.

To set itself off from the hoi polloi of the handbag set, this Anya Hindmarch store offers bespoke custom engraving of your pricey object, in a copy of your own handwriting. Any phrase you can dream up.

So there, Frugal Scholar! Find that at the thrift store!

Our reviewer reports: “In the mad new handbag economy, prices qualify as moderate, though there are pieces made of alligator in the five figures.”

Five figures. Not sure I can count that high on my fingers when it comes to cash dollars, but I believe that would come to something over 10 grand. For a purse.

Now, I dunno about you, but if I had 10 grand that I didn’t know what to do with, just laying around the house, I’d use it to buy a sane Republican into the House of Representatives.

Far more unique. And when you take it to parties, it can talk to people for you. No tacky handwriting there!

😆 🙄 😆

Is the Republican Party Bad for Business?

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Well, I never thought I’d say it, but here’s what we’ve come to: The Republican Party is bad for business. It’s not only bad for business, it’s bad for anyone who has a 401(k), a 403(b), or any other instrument for equities investment.

How, really, does a major political party get to be captured and held hostage by a bunch of crazies? Well…one explanation may be gerrymandering. Arizona’s district 5, for example, in 2011 was merged with District 6, solidifying Republican control of the Greater Phoenix Metropolitan Area’s East Valley suburbs, which have historically been dominated by the Mormon church.  Hence, Matt Salmon, one of the smuggest of the crazies we’ve sent to Washington. Other Arizona districts have similarly been manipulated to give Republicans an edge.

Another is probably poor education. You’ve heard me comment on the deplorable products of my state’s K-12 system. Former Intel CEO Craig Barrett, who was largely responsible for bringing his company to Arizona, has said that had he known how bad the educational system here is and how blithely the legislature cuts funds to schools, he would not have suggested that Intel build here.

Only a blindly ignorant electorate could possibly vote in clowns like Matt Salmon and Jeff Flake. One almost wonders if the Republican determination to underfund education in this state has an ulterior motive: uninformed, gullible voters = Republican wins.

My own business only just started to recover this year from the recession engendered by misguided right-wing theories about the economy and ill-advised military occupation in the Middle East. Now the fundamentalist crazies are at it again. The Republican party, driven by an extremist minority that in many ways can be likened to conservative Muslim extremists, has succeeded in shutting down the most powerful government in the world. And it is about to cause us to default on our loan payments.

Taken together, these two blunders will drive our country and the world into another recession. My business certainly won’t sustain that, and I’m sure many others won’t either.

As I write, eight hundred thousand people are furloughed from their jobs, thanks to the extremists in the House.

You understand: that’s 800,000 people who are bright enough to figure out that their livelihoods are threatened by a bunch of doctrinaire fools. It’s 800,000(!!!) responsible, hard-working, taxpaying citizens who, if they have any clue which side their bread is buttered on, will NOT vote Republican in the next election.

Meanwhile, tens of thousands of children are locked out of HeadStart programs that, for many children of the working poor, provide the only square meal the kids get in a day and the only affordable day care for minimum-wage and underemployed parents. Not, I suppose, that we should care about the Underclass, eh? But hey: these are freaking children!

I used to be a Republican myself — was a fan of Barry Goldwater, amazingly enough. Actually campaigned for the man when he ran for president. He signed my first straight-A report card from the University of Arizona.

But the party diverged from my way of thinking (and, I believe, from Mr. Goldwater’s) years ago.

I am still not a doctrinaire liberal, although in the current atmosphere the crazies like to paint people like me as far to the left. That’s simply untrue. As a business owner, I probably would vote for Republican policy if it supported my company’s interests. I happen to believe in the Second Amendment, and if all things were equal (i.e., if all candidates had full control over their marbles), I would vote for a Second Amendment candidate and against a gun confiscation candidate, no matter what the party.

However, a policy that brings down the government is not good for business.

 In my opinion, it’s sedition.

When exactly are the sane men and women of good will who remain in the party going to wrest control away from the nut cases?

Frankly, these people frighten me. Politics and governing
demand compromise.

—Barry M. Goldwater
November 1994

Why?

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why, why, WHY…..

…when you get on the road, does every moron in the land get in front of you?

…when people see you backing out of a parking spot and must be able to grasp that if you’re creeping out from behind some honkin’ huge opaque SUV you can’t possibly see them coming, do they drive right behind you?

…do they do the same damnfool thing when they’re on foot?

…after the first idiot almost gets walloped in this maneuver, does the next idiot coming up behind him do the same goddamn thing?

…on the day you decide to get a flu shot, does every Walgreen’s in the city run out?

…do people pay Safeway $4.33 a pound for apples that are available, in the same variety, a half-mile down the road at Sprouts, for $1.99 a pound?

…do people pay Safeway $1.99 a pound for old yaller onions that can be had, less than three minutes down the road at Sprouts, for 58 cents a pound?

…are customers who shop in Safeway so fuckin’ rude? (Oh…I know: because they’re getting ripped off every which way from Sunday!)

…if Safeway can get small, ripe avocadoes, can’t Sprouts get them?

…when your patience is short and your temper is frayed, do two HUMONGOUS flatbeds loaded with heavy equipment elect to occupy the only two lanes on the road, side by side?

…does a radio station that has a decent format and plays cowboy music pleasing enough  to provide an occasional break from the nonstop NPR yak-a-thon decide to change that format and schlock it up?

…do the onions frying on the stove decide they’re cooked when you have exactly half your hot rollers pinned to your head?

…does algae grow on the bottom of your Brita pitcher?

…do the greyhound rescue people have to trot out their dogs at a suburban pet store halfway to freakin’ Tucson, and do it during the accursed, mega-gawdawful rush hour?

…would anyone deliberately choose to live in Tempe, Arizona?

…on earth did I ever imagine a full-grown coursing hound would be a good match for a short, squat herding dog that looks a lot like a rabbit?

P1010966Rabbit

Corgi
←

Rabbit
→

paduak_web

↑Large hunting dog
Not a corgi
Not a rabbit

Service Dog…or Service Scam? Should You Have to Prove You’re Disabled?

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Service dog vestSo while we’re on the subject of dogs… Did you realize that anyone — not just a legitimate handler — can get one of those dog harness vests that distinguishes the animal as a service dog? With one of those on cute little Fang, you can take your dog in a restaurant, grocery store, or just about any other establishment, and you can take your dog on a plane in the passenger compartment, for free.

Think how handy and dandy that would be.

Convenient, indeed. During a good five or six months of every year, you can’t safely leave your dog in the car here in Arizona, not even long enough to run into the supermarket and grab a few salad ingredients. In fact, you can be arrested for doing so.

Often when I would take the German shepherd for a walk in one of the desert parks, I’d have liked to drop by a store on the way home. That the dog couldn’t stay in the car meant I had to schlep her all the way home and then go back out for the errand — adding miles to the day’s driving. People used to take their pet dogs into the Home Depot on hot days, but after awhile the management issued a “No Dawgs” edict.

It actually occurred to me to try to trick out a standard harness to make it look like a service dog vest. I assumed that these highly trained dogs had to be certified and registered, and that you could only obtain gear like this from organizations that did that kind of training.

service dog vest 2Wrong. It’s all over the Web. Amazon sells them in all sizes, shapes and colors, some with free patches and ID cards claiming the wearer is a service animal.

You can get an ID card with the dog’s picture on it.Service Dog card You can get a card outlining the rights of disabled persons to use service dogs and informing people that they can ask you only two questions — “Is this a service animal?” and “What does it do to help you?”

Service dog info cardBusinesses cannot deny access to a service dog unless it behaves disruptively — and they have to take your word for it that the animal is a service dog. Fear of dogs or allergies on the part of employees or customers is not a reason to refuse entrance. Owners are not required to have the dog certified or registered as a service animal. Airlines have special policies on how they fulfill the federal law requiring them to let you take your service dog on board, but other businesses are not allowed to demand proof that the animal is trained and registered; they have to accept your word for it.

Landlords also have to rent to people with service dogs and HOAs must allow them in condo communities — whether or not they have a “no pets” policy.

To take an “emotional service animal” — a dog meant to comfort you if you have a psychological issue — on a plane, you have to provide a letter from a psychologist or other qualified mental health worker saying you need the critter. But guess what? You can get those online, too!  For $164 and a minimal amount of hassle, at least one outfit will provide a prescription letter! Turnaround time is 24 hours after you’ve jumped through the online hoops.

To take your service animal on a plane, you need a letter of verification. You can buy one online for $75.  The vendor wants to charge you $75 for an annual renewal, but obviously, once you have one of these things, it would be easy to reproduce it on a computer. “Test scores, raw data, test questions/answers, and subjective results of interview questions, and counseling session notes,” they say, “are not available to clients or other inquirers. Only the specific services purchased will be provided.”  That is, no one can verify it!  Airlines have to take this outfit’s word for it.

Not surprisingly, we are far from the first to realize that it’s pretty easy to faze Poochie past just about anyone you please by claiming she’s a service dog. Any dog, including a chihuahua or a poodle, can qualify, especially if you claim it’s there to alert you of a pending seizure or to head off a nervous breakdown. People with real disabilities are rightfully irked at fakers and their phony service dogs.

In general, asking the dog owner much about the need for the animal violates the ADA. To take the dog into a business or get it into a no-pets-allowed rental or condo community, you’re not required to prove you’re disabled. Skeptics are prohibited from asking just what ailment you have that requires you to bring your dog into their restaurant or lodge it in their apartment building.  You can order a card, also online, that outlines your legal rights, which you can then shove in the face of anyone who dares to challenge you.

Three federal laws give service dogs special privileges:

The Americans with Disabilities Act grants service dogs access to public places, such as restaurants, stores and offices. The owner may not be questioned about disability but may be asked about the tasks the dog performs. A harness or leash must be worn unless it interferes with the dog’s work — but there’s no requirement that this gear mark the dog as a service animal.

The Air Carrier Act allows service dogs to fly in cabin of airplane. Passengers with emotional support or psychiatric service dogs may be asked to provide proof of disability and treatment from mental health professional.

The Fair Housing Act allows people with disabilities to keep emotional-support animals, even when landlord or homeowner’s association prohibits pets. It allows some limited questioning about disability and animal support.

Some of this has gone beyond the pale. For example, a while back we had the guy who claimed his parrot was a service animal.  Miniature horses, monkeys, ferrets, and even an iguana have been declared to be service animals..

Over the past couple of years, the government has made some efforts to curb the silliness. Just now, we’re told, “Only dogs and miniature horses may qualify as service animals; other species are now excluded.” But it doesn’t apply in all contexts: the Fair Housing Act,which applies to most permanent and semipermanent homes, retains the old, broader definition.

What if you’re allergic to horses or dogs and might get seriously ill being exposed to them in, say, a restaurant? Whose disability trumps whose?

What do you think? Should owners of all service animals be required to prove they really are disabled? And should service animals be licensed and registered — through a government agency, not through some Internet enterprise selling questionable paperwork?