Human, weaseling her way through stupendous traffic: Good gawd!
Divinity: Yasss?
Human: Ooops! Uh-oh…
Divinity: What d’you want now?
Human: Well…uhm.,.well, Your Godship…why do you keep doing that?
Divinity: Which of the infinity of things that I keep doing have you got in mind?
Human: You know…the thing with the morons?
Divinity: Which morons?
Human: The morons that are ALWAYS ON THE ROAD EVERY TIME I GET IN MY CAR!
Divinity: Well…possibly every driver on the road except thee is a moron.
Human: Your Godship! Not all of God’s Critters can be morons!
Divinity: I wouldn’t put any money on that, if I were you.
Human: Okay, okay. But…then why do all the morons in the freakin’ world stream out of their houses, leap into their cars and get in front of me every time I turn on the ignition?
Divinity: Hmmmm….. Fate?
Human: But Your Godship: you are Fate!
Divinity: One could argue that.
{sigh} Evidently God has it in for me.
Hopped in the jalopy along about noonish yesterday and headed down toward Sassy Glasses, La Maya’s favorite overpriced eyewear store — whose denizens have shown themselves to be a) exceptionally competent and b) well connected with other professionals in the eyeball profession. I need a referral to an exceptionally competent ophthalmologist to deal with the latest Joy of Old Age that I’ve developed.
Right away, at Main Drag South and toney Central Avenue, I come across a fender-bender. A pretty young woman has rear-ended a young man’s vehicle at the light. She is weeping. He is stalking across the intersection headed for the condos on the east side, where he evidently lives or has pals who can help out.
Should I stop and see if she is OK? Should I call 911?
No. All young people have cell phones and they all know how to call 911. No doubt the cops and the medics are en route. Best to get the Hell outta the way.
Continue toward the eastern edge of the North Central commercial district, wherein resides the glasses place. Is it…wait, wait…is it really early afternoon on a Monday? W…T…F?????? Traffic is just freakin’ FIERCE.
Finally make my way to the parking lot at the strip shopping center where Sassy Glasses resides. After a fight, get parked near the front. Hop out, saunter over to the entrance, and…find the door LOCKED.
At the risk of repeating myself, think WTF???????
Figure it must actually be Sunday, not Monday. Dayum!
Loop back toward AJ’s, there to buy tonight’s dinner and a few not-too-perishables for the upcoming Xmas chivaree with my son.
Westward/southward bound, the roads are JUST JAMMED. It’s 2:00 in the afternoon! What. The. Hell?
Get to AJ’s. Buy a few provisions. Ask the butcher if I need to reserve a pair of those gorgeous prime rib steaks to pick up right before Christmas. He says no, that’ll be OK.
Head back up North Central.
Realize I’d better bypass Central and Northern, the site of the fender-bender. Detour across a minor main drag that bisects a neighborhood flanking Central, continue past 7th, and veer north on 15th, a feeder street that feeds, all right: the Capitol district with traffic cruising in from the west side, the north side. and dropping off the freeway.
Get up into the hood, by-passing the wrecky-poo scene. Come to the little road into my part of the’ Hood. Signal to turn left.
A-n-n-n-n-d…
How DO the Morons know when I’m on the road?
A southbound moron, who has the right-of-way in neon-lit spades, STOPS and gestures the moron before me to turn left in front of him. Illegally. In spades.
My moron accommodates him.
WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE DO THAT?????? FORGODSAKE WHEN YOU HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY TAKE THE GODDAMN RIGHT OF WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I stop. He gestures for me to turn left, illegally, in front of him.
Asshole.
No, stupid, I am not going to put myself at risk by making an illegal turn in front of oncoming traffic on a sub-main drag, you damnfool MORON. I now turn right into the neighborhood flanking the’Hood, dodging the nitwit.
This of course, takes me out of his way, but it also aims me in the exact opposite of the direction I need to go, through Lower Richistan’s winding roads infested by playing children, frolicking dogs, and watchful parents. Wend my way over four blocks of irrelevant streets. By the time I arrive back at the intersection from whence I dodged the fool, said fool is gone.
Get home. Pissed.
Divine laughter emanates from the graying skies.