Coffee heat rising

Plus รงa change?

The ongoing flap here in the ‘hood over the growing homeless problem…ugh! How tired am I of hearing about it? Let me count the ways.

Residents here are rightfully annoyed at the encroachment of panhandlers, drug abusers, and petty thieves into one of the last marginally affordable centrally located middle-class neighborhoods. Yet an awful lot of yelling goes on, but not much gets done. The city, meanwhile, is deliberately pushing its hordes of derelicts our way, transporting them up here on the boondoggle lightrail, dumping them at the corner of Gangbanger’s Way and Conduit of Blight, and kindly providing them with a meth clinic. The loitering, filth, and scrounging around said clinic are ignored by our City Parents. As always, they appear to be more taken by the interests of moneyed, profit-seeking developers than by those of the people who live here.

Indeed, one tires. And one wonders: would it not be better to move out of this place than to risk riding it down the drain?

I find myself in, seemingly, the very same position the ex- and I fled some 35 years ago. At the time, we lived in the historic central Encanto district, in a small area now known as Willo. About 15 years earlier, we’d bought a truly beautiful house, stumbling upon it when the area was in the earliest stages of the first wave of gentrification to hit this city.

We paid $33,000 for that house. Three months after we moved in, a Realtor showed up at the front door and offered me, on the spot, $100,000 for it.

I turned him down.

We lived there for a decade and a half. I loved the house and the neighborhood and the Yuppiness of it all.

Living there was an adventure. Just like the ‘Hood, the upscale Palmcroft and the aspiring Willo areas were bordered by blight. At one point, our zip code had the highest per-capita rate of drug use in the city. Some sort of “event” was always in progress — burglaries and car chases and crashes and thisses and thattas. Shortly after we moved in, we had the Cat Burglar on the Roof. Some guy had broken into a house down the street, been surprised in the act, run up the alley, dodged into our yard, and seen the ladder still standing against the side of our house, climbed to the roof, and pulled the ladder up after him. The cops woke us, searching the yard for him. They demanded to come in and search the house, explaining that this guy’s MO was to burgle a home in such a way as to wake the homeowner, then run down to a nearby home, break in, and rape the woman he’d identified earlier as a target. At three in the morning, neither of us thought to mention the ladder…

It was an old wooden ladder that had been sitting outside in the weather, probably for decades. And it was partly rotted. DXH had used it to climb up on the roof and try to turn on the heater, but, unable to see how, had left it there for future reference. The cops didn’t see it, because it was up on top of the roof, along with the perp.

Couple hours later, after the dust had settled, the guy slid the ladder down, started to climb off the roof, and … WAM! A step broke under his weight and he went whap whap whap down to the ground.

{chortle!}

So it went: this, as it developed, was far from a lone occurrence.

Acquiring an intelligent German shepherd went a long way toward making us feel safer (this was the dog who chased off the cat burglar who entered the house at three o’clock of another morning…the cat burglar who presumably is still running).

City leadership was doing the same damn thing then that they’re doing now: by way of urban redevelopment, they were tearing down the SROs and downtown environments where hordes of drug-addicted (and, to a larger extent in those days, alcoholic) derelicts lived. When these sorry souls were turned out of their territory, they moved into our neighborhood.

We had many more alarming guests in Encanto than we do up here, at least so far. Literally, you could not stick your head out the front door without seeing a bum stumbling up the street. They slept and defecated in our yards, and if you left your car unlocked, they’d climb into the back seat and use that as their bedroom. You could not leave anything, not so much as potted plant, outside — if you did, it would be stolen in a matter of days.

We young upwardly mobile types coped with this stuff because we loved our neighborhood, we loved our antique homes, and we loved the community. As a community, we did battle against the city and we did, at least, block the bastards from building an elevated freeway through the heart of the historic district.

But after our child was born, my husband and I began to think differently. Not only could he not attend the local public school because he didn’t know how to use a knife or a club — one public-minded couple insisted on putting their little boy in that school, where after a full year he came out unable to read at all — but we could not let him play outside. It was unsafe to do so.

There was one other little boy on the block — we carpooled to the Montessori preschool with that family. The boys were not allowed to play outdoors unless I or our neighbors’ housekeeper stood outside and guarded them at all times.

Well. Y’know, that’s not the way I grew up. When I was a little kid, we went outside and played until someone’s mom hollered out the back door that it was dinnertime. I did not believe in 1980 and do not believe now that a boy child should have his mother hanging over his shoulder every living breathing minute.

And there was a safety issue. We had experienced several colorful events, as did many people in the area. One family a half-block from our house was baking cookies while watching TV. The mother would get up from the sofa, walk into the kitchen, pull the cookie sheet out of the oven, reload it, stick it back into the oven for 15 minutes, and go back to her show. She was being watched: one of the local bums noticed this activity and also noticed she’d set her purse on the kitchen counter. When she walked out of the kitchen, he stepped into the house, grabbed her purse, and strolled off with it. Then there was the elderly woman at the end of our street, who came home from the beauty parlor one afternoon and encountered a prowler in her house; he grabbed an ax out of her garage and hacked her to death with it.

So we moved up to North Central. It was closer to the school that my husband wanted our son to attend — and in fact it was in the city’s one halfway decent public school district, so as a practical matter we could have avoided spending a king’s ransom to put him through private school. We didn’t, but at least it was a possibility. And the kid and his friends could play outdoors all by themselves. There wasn’t a bum as far as you could see.

Not so anymore.

Of course, our homeless problem has ballooned, all across the society. Part of the reason is the ballooning drug problem: we have many more people addicted to drugs than ever before. And the other large part of it was the ill-advised policy decision to shut down mental hospitals and throw people who can’t care for themselves out onto the street. This at least doubled the number of people living on the streets…and no one seems to give a damn. The white folks all move outward and outward and ever outward, and the folks left behind lack the political and economic clout to fight back.

After I divorced, I bought a house in the vicinity, so as not to be very far from my kid. And also because North Central is my stomping ground and I had no desire to take up a new life somewhere else.

Hereabouts, the neighbors squall nonstop about the vagrant drug-addicted pilfering derelicts who ride the lightrail to our area, spend the day loitering about, and then camp in the alleys and the park behind the local grade school. They do steal. They do make a mess with defecating and dumping garbage around the neighborhood. They are creepy. And one of them did jump a fence into a family’s yard, where a mother found him molesting her two small daughters. They are, in a word, threatening.

And yet…

And yet the problem is nothing like what it was in Encanto. Not yet, anyhow.

Most of the bums loiter around the periphery of the neighborhood, along the main drags and in the local businesses’ parking lots. While this makes the local markets unpleasant to use — or, for women alone, basically unusable because the parking lots do not feel safe — they don’t inhabit the neighborhood streets and yards. As long as you’re a distance from a major thoroughfare, you rarely see a discomfiting character right at your house. Because our park has no water fountain or toilet, they don’t take up residence there, at least not for any length of time. They do show up in the alleys occasionally…but that is more common the closer you are to a main drag.

This is true of the ‘Hood per se. But some of the surrounding neighborhoods do have an invasion: they hang out in people’s yards, take over vacant dwellings, try to get in residents’ doors, steal any bicycle that’s left outside (even in a fenced yard), build encampments in abandoned commercial properties, harass the residents, and generally make conspicuous nuisances of themselves. Just exactly as they did in Encanto.

The fact that this state of affairs hasn’t taken hold in the central area of the ‘Hood doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen. Probably it’s just a matter of time.

So…the question is: should I move?

I’m not getting younger. Within a few years, I won’t be in any physical condition to move. If I’m gonna get out of here, I’ll need to do it pretty soon. And if things get worse…we’ve already had a child molester jump a back wall. What’s next? Another ax murderer?

On the other hand: I don’t WANT to move. I love my house. I love my yard. I love the neighbors…that is, I feel the same now about my home and neighbors as I did when we lived in Encanto. And believe me: I did not want to move then and I never much cared for the ugly house or the snooty neighborhood we moved into.

So here we are…Encanto Redux.

And it has to be said: Encanto did not suffer all that much from the bum hordes. It’s now one of the most expensive districts in the city. Housing prices there are absurdly inflated.

It’s not outside the realm of possibility that the same could happen here.

Or…the area could turn, and we could all lose our shirts in the local real estate scene.

And where would I go that I can afford? My house is paid off, I’m living on peanuts, and I cannot afford a mortgage. The choices in the Phoenix area are the far east side (vast tracts of dreary Southern-California-style ticky-tacky suburbs), Scottsdale (prices out of the question, and it far out-snoots North Central), Fountain Hills (halfway to Payson…way too far out), Sun City (ugh!). That’s about it.

In search of the keyboard and some minutes for my burner phone, I went up to a shopping center in a northside suburb along Happy Valley Road, where there’s a Walmart that is radically middle class, situated in a shopping center that has every other store you might need in a parking lot that does not make you feel you need to pack heat to walk from the car to the store entrance. It’s a newer area — again, acre on acre on endlessly bladed acre of stucco houses jammed elbow-to-elbow on postage-stamp lots and…it is a vast field of white lilies.

Seriously.

After living in a multicultural neighborhood for so long, that place gives me the whim-whams. I spent a good two hours in that huge shopping center and did not see ONE person of color. It was a freaking field of lilies! Not even the check-out clerks or the restaurant servers were given to the duskier persuasion. Every. Single. Soul. in that place was freaking dead-white!

Between you’n’me, I find that downright creepy. I do not want to live where everybody looks just like me. I like living where a lot of different kinds of people (excepting maybe drug addicted bums?) live together and shop together and play together. Sameness is not what city living is about.

Maybe the bums are just part of life in the big city.

 

Trash Scavengers: What Could Go Wrong?

Trigger warning: This post contains an amazingly gross scheme that is not for the tender of tummy. ๐Ÿ˜‰

As I’ve remarked, because my neighborhood has a problem with identity thieves and transients sifting through the trash, normally I would not throw out anything that has a bank account number on it, or a credit card number, a Social Security number…that kind of thing. But even without those items of information, someone who is raiding your trash for data to sell to identity thieves can still unearth stuff that can do you a lot of damage. In the identity-theft department, plain old junk mail can present some serious threats.

For example:

  • Any solicitation or notice that comes in from AARP signals that you’re a senior citizen and therefore a particularly vulnerable species of pigeon.
  • Notices from Medicare, your Medigap insurance, and Social Security: same issue.
  • Pre-approved credit card solicitations: All the thief has to do is change the address, and voilร ! He’s got a new card in your name.
  • Periodicals. These tell an aspiring thief what your interests are and hint at how affluent you are. All those weekly Economist magazines, for example…maybe you’d just as soon not have your name and address on their labels. A copy of American Hunter tells an alert burglar you’re a member of the NRA, which means you have at least one firearm in the house…and how convenient: there’s your address!
  • Catalogs. They reveal just how expensive (or cheap) your taste is and where you shop. They also contain a bar code that can reveal vulnerable information about you.
  • Anything you throw out unopened because it’s stamped “Standard Mail” instead of “First Class Mail.” Cox (among others) inundates me with “special offers,” always delivered by junk mail. Trash digger finds one of those, bingo! He knows the house is served by Cox, not by CenturyLink.
  • Renewal notices. Costco just sent a notice for renewal. And yes, it does have my account number on it.
  • Business announcements. Fidelity sends libraries-full of prospecti for the many companies my money managers invest in. I don’t read them, because I don’t have that much time left in my life. Neither do I shred them — these things are fat, saddle-stitched booklets: just one of them would jam the shredder. A guy who understands what he’s looking at can parse out where my savings are invested.
  • Insurance company solicitations. Bar code: personal information.
  • Reminders to re-up your membership in a political party. Your political leaning is none of some thief’s business.
  • Requests for donations. Ditto your charitable inclinations.
  • Paychecks, checks for reimbursement or for freelance gigs, wage & earnings statements, tax returns and statements, bank statements, credit-card statements, medical bills, insurance bills, insurance claims and information, and random ID documents. These are usually sent by first-class mail and so are easy to differentiate from junk mail. Still: because they’re juicy pickings for identity thieves, they should never land in an unlocked mailbox. In fact, they probably should never come to your mailbox at all, locked or not. Payments to you should be made electronically — either direct-deposited to your bank account or sent through PayPal. As for those other obvious targets: get yourself a hefty steel locking mailbox. Intercept these documents at the mailbox, file them as need be, and shred them before discarding.

To shred all of the piles of junkmail the postperson delivers six days a week would soon add up to hours of wasted time. I do not want to spend any of my time tearing open envelopes and feeding their contents, a page or two at a time, through my shredder. Burning them in the fireplace is illegal, and it leaves a big mess to clean up.

Registering with the Opt-Out list to waylay prescreened credit card offers is about as futile as signing up for the National Do Not Call list. Both of these sops for angry citizens are simply ignored by mail and telephone solicitors. Signing up for do-not-send lists just wastes still more of your time.

So…is there an easier way to deal with the stacks of junk mail?

Sure, if you have a pet dog or cat.

Here’s the strategy:

Get yourself a tall kitchen trash can that has a step-on lid. This, you will use only for junk mail…and for one other kind of debris. Line the trash can with a sturdy plastic drawstring garbage bag.

Every time you visit the mailbox, drop the junk mail directly into the lined trash can, unopened.

Every time you clean the kitty turds out of the cat box, toss them in on top of the day’s layer of junk mail. Every time you pick up the dog mounds out of the yard, toss them in on top of the junk mail. When you change the cat box, pour the used cat litter over the accrued cargo of junk mail.

Keep this stash outside in the yard, since it’s likely to get a bit odoriferous before it’s time to haul the garbage out.

When the time does come, though, pour a cup or two of plain tap water over the combined mail and animal excreta. Tie the bag shut with the drawstring right before you toss it out. Over the course of a few hours in the city’s garbage bin, this will convert a yucky mess into a truly revolting mess.

And that will be your gift to your data-hunting garbage scavenger. He won’t have to break into more than one of those bags of layer cake to decide to pass on your trash.

Of Bums and Dogs and Homes

CharleyCharley the Golden Retriever is here visiting, whilst his human travels to Colorado to visit Granma (104 years old and still kickin’ vigorously, believe it or not!) and then spends a few days at his favorite fishing hole.

Charley is utterly, totally, completely harmless. He is not a German shepherd or a Doberman pinscher or a Belgian malinois, no. No, indeed. He will not remove your foot, no matter what nefarious shenanigans you get up to. Holy mackerel, you could even be a President of the United States elected with the collusion of an enemy foreign power, and he still would not remove your foot. He would, instead, love you into submission.

But he’s big. Very, very big. And something there is about a very big dog that is satisfying.

For, after all…

The human does not live among the harmless. Sooner or later (probably sooner) the human is going to have to decide whether to continue to den among the feckless and the criminal, or to move itself and its tribe far far away, to another galaxy in another time.

Yesterday I’m sitting here snarfing down breakfast when I hear thunk twang whack coming from our lovely alley. These interesting noises have become so commonplace that Ruby the Corgi Pup, who fancies herself a watchdog, no longer even bothers to bark at them.

This goes on long enough that I wonder what the f*ck, haul myself to my agรจd feet, climb up on a landscaping rock, and peer over the wall.

Yep. There’s a bum out there.

He’s big, he’s white, he’s red-headed, he’s filthy, and he’s pulled all the trash out of the big communal garbage bin. He’s going through every, single, tiny bit of it, piece by piece, apparently deciding what to keep and what to throw back.

A bum fishing expedition, as it were.

He has a big plastic bag on the ground next to him.

It looks a whole lot like the garbage bag containing two weeks’ worth of junk mail and garbage recently discarded from my house.

I think…oh shit! What’s in that thing?

Nothing that contains an account number or a Social Security number: all of that trash gets filed in the Bottomless Trash Collector that is my office. BUT…

Yes. BUT every piece of effing junkmail has my name and address on it. No, I do not shred every piece of incoming effing junkmail. To do so would take half my lifetime. And even though I have a heavy-duty shredder that will consume a defunct credit card, the bastard junk-mailers try to force you to open their envelopes by stuffing them with so much paper they’ll jam the heaviest-duty shredder you can buy. I do not have enough hours left in my life to open every piece of trash that’s sent to me and run it, page by page, through the shredder. So…if it’s not stamped First Class Mail, it goes directly into the trash, without passing go and without being opened.

Claro que this is not the brightest idea…

After another stretch of time, it dawns on the agรจd mind that the recycling and the garbage were picked up on Thursday. Our bum guest has come visiting on a Friday…a day late and presumably quite a few dollars short.

The relief is short-lived, of course. because the message remains painfully obvious: never throw out anything that has anything personally identifiable on it!

Between that and the day-before-yesterday’s reminder that we do not live in the safest of all possible neighborhoods, once again I find myself wondering: is it time to pull up stakes?

And if so, Where would I go?

I do not want to move. I love my home. I love my yard. I love my neighbors. I even love my (somewhat questionable) neighborhood. I love living close to my church. I love living close to my son. I love being more or less in the center of what passes for the city’s cultural life (snark!). I love living close to a mountain park. I love having an excuse to carry a pistol or a can of Bear Spray with me when I go out…oops. Oh. Not so much that latter. Oh well.

So. What to do about the immediate problem: thieves sifting through the garbage looking for anything they can use or sell, including identifying documents?

Well, the trash goes out about once every two weeks. One thing I could do is collect a week’s worth of dog mounds (that is quite a lot…corgis are actually big dogs on short legs) and, before tying off the trash bag. dump the whole accretion in on top. That would probably discourage most guys from pawing through the bag’s contents.

The gent I saw yesterday? Maybe. Maybe not. Depends on how desperate he is to stay current with his fixes, I imagine.

Then we have the larger problem: Despite all the good-hearted jawing, these derelicts are NOT harmless.

Most recent obvious case in point: the young father who was sitting in Southern California restaurant when some homeless mentally ill nut case walked up to him and stabbed him in the throat.

This is not as uncommon as you might think. When a person’s voices tell him to do something, it’s just not that easy to say “no.”

One of the immediate causes that led my ex- and I to sell our very lovely home in the historic Encanto District — this happened after the ax murderer chopped our 80-year-old neighbor to pieces, donned her tennis shoes, and drove away in her car — occurred when a local bum noticed a woman who regularly appeared early at her employers’ dirty-shirt law office to fix the coffee and use a few quiet moments to catch up on her tasks. His voices clued him to the fact that she was actually Satan, and advised that he should kill her. Understandably, that’s exactly what he did: stabbed her to death.

Encanto in the 1970s was enjoying the same influx of “homeless” bums and drug addicts as North Central is today…occasioned by the same influence: Our Honored City Parents, who do not give a damn what happens to your neighborhood as long as it enriches their already wealthy patrons. Then we had downtown redevelopment. Now we have the light-rail — locally known as the Bum Express.

I do not feel safe visiting the grocery stores in the neighborhood, which are overrun with lightrail-riding transients. To do routine shopping,ย  I drive out of the area, sometimes way out of the area. Nor do I feel very safe carrying the trash out to the alley garbage bins.

Driving my trash to some other neighborhood is not very practical, so I have to be careful to check the area before unlocking the gate, and never go out there after dark.

The German shepherds used to provide some protection in the trash-dumping department. But these little corgis? Not so much.

Should I buy another shepherd dog?

Not a chance. The fact still remains that I no longer am physically vigorous enough to handle a large, powerful, high-drive dog. Nor can I afford the concomitant vet bills. A big dog costs big money. And without a salary, I just don’t have it.

I could get one of those outdoor fire pits and use it to reduce the junk mail to ash. This of course is illegal in Phoenix. But if you did it after dark, when the City’s air watchdogs are home burning trash in their own fireplaces, no one would catch you. Especially not if you dumped the ashes as soon as they were cool enough to dispose of.

The fact is, it’s not very safe to go into the alley. And the fact is, the only place to dispose of your trash is…yes. In the alley.

As a practical matter, it’s beginning to add up to one conclusion: Pretty soon I’m going to have to move someplace that isn’t being actively trashed by our City Parents and their deep-pocketed backers.

And I don’t want to.

To know or not to know…

…Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them.

Or, in the present case: by opposing, end yourself…

Exeunt, pursued…

To live in a big city is to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous…behavior. Just yesterday the cops pursued some nut case who led them across-town, driving on the light-rail tracks at some points, and finally ended up barging into some hard-working couple’s home, whereupon the cops destroyed the place and the perp killed the cops’ Belgian malinois.

So: yeah. That’s this evening’s wallpaper.

Day is over and the dogs — the corgis, that is, not the fierce police dog — wish to go for a stroll around the neighbors’ lawns. I’m just strapping on a pair of sandals for the purpose when

ROAAAARRRRRRRRR!

Cop Copter!ย They tear over the house and skid to a stop (as best as a pilotย can skid through the sky) over the end of the block, just this side of Conduit of Blight Blvd.

For crap’s sake.

Searchlight glaring, they circle around for fifteen or twenty frantic minutes.

So instead of setting out for Richistan, Bear Spray in hand, the hounds and I hunker down behind locked doors and windows.

{sigh} I am getting very tired of these events. Very tired of having to live behind dead-bolted, barred doors. Very tired of having to dodge bums, panhandlers, burglars, hopped-up drug addicts, thieves, crazed drivers, and wacksh!t nut cases almost every goddamn day of my life. And my dogs’ lives.

Maybe it’s time to move to Prescott. Yarnell. A hundred acres in the middle of nowhere. Enough, already!

See, the thing is: places like Yarnell can’t afford to equip their police departments with helicopters. Hence…quiet.

And hence, the question of the evening: Is it better to know or not to know about the mayhem that’s going on around you?

True enough…I should be thankful to have been warned away from whatever shenanigans were coming down, six or eight houses up the street.

On the other hand, given some silence the dogs and I would have headed in the other direction from the scene of the shenanigans. Chances that we would have encountered the burglar/car break-in artist/murderer/rapist/sticky-fingered derelict were nigh unto nil. And even if we had, I would’ve had the Bear Spray on my belt and a shilelagh in my hand.

(On the other hand, one could ask why the eff anyone would want to go for a doggy-walk if you have to haul a can of high-test pepper spray and carry an ironwood staff with you…)

Seriously: would you not be better off if you didn’t know about these things? If your life were not interrupted every couple of days by buzzing helicopters and whirring sirens? Could the cops not swarm the alley and the yard and the house where the perp is reported to be active, on foot? Without all the random noise, would your nerves not be a great deal less jangled? Would your life not be more peaceful? Would you not get a decent 30 minutes of exercise, instead of parking in front of the computer for that half-hour (and more)?

Portugal. For โ‚ฌ150,000, one could buy a three-bedroom manor in the Estremadura. Why are we here at all?

Will Portugal take my dogs?

 

Spin Those Wheels!

Well, really, I can’t complain SO much about wheel-spinning. Even though I managed to evade working on the Big Annoyance of the Day — shoveling a foot-deep stack of accursed paperwork off the desk — a bunch of stuff actually has gotten done. Ditz, it’s true…but stuff that needed to get done.

Do you ever feel like, even after you’ve managed to power through a lot of tasks, that you still have been spinning your wheels half the day?

Done:

๐Ÿ™‚ Clean out pool pump pot; clean out pool strainer basket; reinstall pool cleaner, run pump
๐Ÿ™‚ Figure out why irrigation system stopped working (FAIL!)
๐Ÿ™‚ Water citrus trees manually
๐Ÿ™‚ Water other plants manually
๐Ÿ™‚ Spray Dawn detergent solution on plants infested with skeletonizing bugs
๐Ÿ™‚ Repair back gate latch
๐Ÿ™‚ Repair kitchen cabinet pull
๐Ÿ™‚ Pick up mess in house
๐Ÿ™‚ Change bed; wash sheets & towels
๐Ÿ™‚ Cook and concoct dog food
๐Ÿ™‚ Clean up ensuing mess in kitchen
๐Ÿ™‚ Pick up dog mounds
๐Ÿ™‚ย  Drag trash out to alley
๐Ÿ™‚ Post today’s chapter of If You’d Asked Me… (how to handle harassment of cute young teenager)
๐Ÿ™‚ Post link to that on Facebook
๐Ÿ™‚ Enter comments in FB writer’s community

Not Done:

๐Ÿ™ Write the next installment of the Drugging of America series
๐Ÿ™ Iron jeans
๐Ÿ™ Write more of Ella’s Story
๐Ÿ™ Cope with gigantic stack of accursed paper

AND…as you might guess, “Cope with gigantic stack of accursed paper” is the chore that all this wheel-spinning has been designed to avoid. I hate, hate, hate dorking with paperwork.

So I put it off. The bills come in. The checks to deposit come in. The statements come in. This nag, that nag, and the other nag comes in from various vendors and doctors’ offices and creditors. They all get tossed on a table.

They’ve been sitting here for upwards of a month now. The table is beginning to groan under the pile’s weight.

Yes. I’ve paid the bills. But all the rest of it is just sitting there.

It is going to take several hours to plow through all that brain-banging shit. And no. I just do. not. want. to. do. it.

Should write the next Drugging of America piece. And could. That also will be a time-consuming and energy-sucking task. If I start on that now, not enough time will be left in the day to fart with the pile of paper distractions. To say nothing of enough ambition.

One thing I probably could do is have the credit union send statements electronically. That would create three fewer pieces of trash to be plucked out of the mailbox. I’m already downloading all the transactions into Excel as it is.

But you just know, don’t you, that whatever form they use to send these proposed electronic statements will not readily convert to Excel. So that will just inflict three more pieces of useless electronic junkmail to deal with. Like I don’t have enough of that?

So little worthwhile stuff comes in the mail anymore, I hardly ever bother to open the thing. Now that the mailbox has to be fortified and locked, the extra effort entailed in tracking down the key, traipsing it out to the curb, wrestling with the mailbox lid, relocking it, traipsing the key back to the house, and hiding it again makes picking up the mail counterproductive. There simply isn’t enough real mail in there to make it worth being bothered to walk out there and wrestle it out of the box.

Consequently, these days I pick up snail-mail about once a week.

Yesterday, it occurred to me to count: EIGHT out of nine pieces of delivered mail went directly into the trash.

That suggests that about 90 percent of mail being delivered by the U.S. Post Office is junk advertising circulars.

And, therefore,ย  for every piece of nuisance paperwork that arrives here, nine pieces of trash have to be toted to a recycling bin. Ninety percent of delivered mail represents pointlessly destroyed trees, pointlessly polluting paper mills, pointlessly polluting ink manufacture, pointlessly expended gasoline to tote trees, paper, ink, and junk mail around, pointlessly expended power to run those mills and drive the printing presses and operate the equipment to recycle trash that is never even opened or looked at.

That pisses me off. It ought to piss you off, too.

Oh, well. /rant.

I’d better get up and go deal with the pieces of paper that actually do require attention. Of a sort.

 

So much for best-laid plans…

LOL! Really, don’t you know this to be true? IT NEVER FAILS.

And yes, damn straight: Whatever can go wrong will go wrong.

๐Ÿ˜€

So you’ll recall I had this Grand Plan to get marginally in shape before tomorrow’s stress test at the Mayo. The 10-day lead time gave me eight or nine days in which to get out into the Phoenix Mountain parks and build up at least a marginal degree of stamina.

Sounds great, doesn’t it? Lovely spring weather. Old lady who loves to hike. Good way to run off ginger and orneriness. And maybe even fake out a cardiodoc. Dontcha love it?

As an idea, it is lovable.

As reality? Well…

So I got several two-hour-long walks in, three times up Shaw Butte (about four miles in a fairly steep round trip) and a couple times around the back of North Mountain, on the flat (a little under four miles RT).

Then it rained. Used that as an excuse not to go out: very convenient.

One day down.

Then I realized I had to get off the dime and write the next chapter of Ella’s Story if I’m gonna keep posting stuff in the current long-term give-away scheme. This is a time-consuming proposition. Unlike journalism, unlike blogging, copy for works of fiction does NOT just pour out of the ends of your fingers.

Two days down.

Saturday, I eat something that I should have known better than to eat. Not surprisingly, it inflicts a roaring case of Montezuma’s revenge. Not only am I enjoying the collywobbles, but before long I’m in a LOT of pain. Like…should I go to the ER??? type pain.

After the fun surgery for the intestinal obstruction (kindly occasioned by scarring from an old appendectomy), the surgeon’s PA informed me that sooner or later the obstruction would recur. And the next time, fixing it will be a lot more involved and will not lend itself to laparoscopy.

Welp: several considerations:

  1. First, I would rather die than go through that again.
  2. Second, when you have the collywobbles, your innards are moving, indicating they’re not blocked.
  3. Third, I would rather die than go through that again.
  4. Fourth, the pain is not the same kind of pain evinced by the adhesive blockage. It’s all over the place instead of localized in one spot.
  5. Fifth, I would rather die than go through that again.

With this calculus in mind, I drop an Imodium. Then (it’s always then with me, dammit!) I reflect that might not have been the best of all possible ideas. Ohhh well.

The diarrhea ceases, not surprisingly. The pain continues. I crawl into the sack with the two annoyed dogs.

Three days down.

Next thing I know, it’s Sunday morning.

Our pastor has cooked up a tradition that he calls “Switch Sunday,” in which once a month the 9 a.m. service is a full Bells & Smells performance. The early service, which caters to families with kids, is the usual much more boring modern version…and it engages the services of the volunteer choir, which on other weekendsย  sings at the later service.

I feel slightly better (though the gut still hurts) and decide to chance showing up at choir. If worst comes to worst, I can always leave.

This means it’s out of the sack at the crack of dawn, feed the dawgs, bolt down breakfast, get washed up, paint face, throw on clothes, and fly out the door. I’m not happy, but neither am I terminal: manage to get there and stick out the whole shindig.

Back at the Funny Farm, I fix lunch/dinner, a halfway decent (read “time-consuming” meal), diddle around, waste time…and eventually realize…holy mackerel! I am really, REALLY sick.

But: the gut (now bound up tight as a drum, thanks to the Imodium) is marginally functioning. That being the case (sort of), I decide against yet another goddamn run on the Mayo’s ER room.

I’ve been up there so often they have a special cubbyhole reserved for me.

Note that during these escapades, no work is getting done. No exercise is getting done. But by about 9 p.m., I do feel enough better to take the hounds on their mile-long circuit. This was not what you’d call one helluva lot of fun, but I figured that if my theory is correct (i.e., I’m not really dying), a walk should help kick-start the innards.

Oh well. At least it doesn’t seem to make things worse.

I crawl back into the sack with the dogs.

Four days down.

Not altogether down. Sunday afternoon whilst I was huddling in the sack, I did manage to draft the last part of the current Ella’s Story chapter, providing a sequel to the chapter that I slapped online this morning. Was kinda pleased with the images that surfaced in a few searches. This great old guy looks a lot like I imagine Dorin the Overseer to look. I’m sure he’s actually an aging Romanian. But what the heck.

This image is yet to be used: the passages I wrote yesterday will describe the exotic landscape of Zaitaf, which sports a methane lake. And what might that look like? Probably somewhat like this:

๐Ÿ˜€ Can you believe I found that thing?

Now, just think how magical it would be if I could figure out how to make WordPress lose the goddamn fucking extra nonbreaking line spaces!

Oh. Well, that’s the sort of thing that keeps me from doing any creative work: killing time trying to force the code to do what I want it to do.

So, four days of eight were lost to the planned get-fit scheme. Tomorrow morning I will show up that the Mayo fat, flabby, and probably still sporting a bellyache.

Never. Effing. Fails.