Coffee heat rising

Merry Christmas!

It was after dark yesterday evening when I set out for the Christmas Eve shindig down at the church. The whole neighborhood was lit up! Not only has the influx of young families led to lots more trees and eaves wrapped in Christmas lights, but the local neighbors group has lobbied long and hard to persuade people to line their front walkways with luminarias, which really are very lovely.

For the longest time, the leader of the pack in the Christmas decor department hereabouts was the proprietor of the Burning Bush. This guy climbs up on ladders — every year — to wrap a huge Chinaberry tree with layer on layer on layer of colored lights. These he would set on timers, so that when you looked at the thing, you’d see it all glowing in, say, red lights. Walk around the block, and you’d come back to find a the tree glowing blue. Or orange. Or yellow. Or green. It is an amazing production, to say the least.

Now he’s got some competition from the young folks, who climb on their roofs to create vast confections of lights and blow-up sculptures or cast movie images on their walls. And of course we have the luminarias.

Down at the Religious HQ, we more or less outdid ourselves for the midnight services. The sanctuary was also all lit up, draped with white lights in all directions — which makes for a pretty impressive effect when the house lights are dimmed. As usual, we had a string section, who this year were joined by our new choir director’s wife, a gifted violinist who played a lovely descant. And for the first time in my memory, we sang the Prayers of the People. I’m told that high churches Back East do this fairly routinely. I’ve never heard it before — and my mother did take me to a high church in San Francisco, back in the day when women wore gloves and hats and veils to church.

Our choir is privileged — gifted — to have many singers with professional-level talent. One of them is a tenor — he actually can sing counter-tenor — who has a truly beautiful voice. He sang the first part of prayer’s verses accompanied by the chamber choir, and the rest of us plus the congregation sang the second parts. The effect was amazing.

It was ethereal.

Over dinner at the half-time (between the early and the midnight services), several folks said people in the congregation had come up to them and spoken ecstatically about their experience of the service.

So it goes.

Sometimes, as I duck bullets or lock deadbolts during helicopter fly-overs or peruse my neighbors’ endless bellyaching on NextDoor about the bums and the thieves  or cast malign thoughts in the direction of my fellow homicidal drivers, I consider how much I would like to move to Prescott or, if only I were thirty or forty years younger, back to the banks of the Hassayampa River.

But on reflection, I can’t imagine living anywhere other than North Central, if one must live in Arizona. There are, admittedly, other cities and other countries where I might have chosen to live, given a choice in the matter. But having had no choice, by luck I seem to have fallen pretty much into the best of all possible sub-domains.  Can’t imagine living in the dreary HOA-ridden elbow-to-elbow suburbs that comprise the home of the ever-fleeing white middle class. Think Scottsdale is a nice place to visit but wouldn’t want to live there. And…well…that’s about the extent of your choices, unless you’re too poor to have any choice, in which case you huddle in a shack down by the airport or hang out in the poverty-ridden west side.

We — the neighbors who live on the northern and western fringes of North Central — tend to exaggerate the negative aspects of our ‘hood.

Yes, there are bums. Yes, the City seems determined to import the homeless and the transients up here and dump them into our neighborhood. Yes, they sleep in our alleys, steal our kids’ bicycles, and rip off blankets people leave on the front porch for their cats to sleep on. (No joke! Such is life in the greatest country in the world…) But by and large, they tend to gather around the meth clinic and around the unfortunate businesses at the end of the rail line.

Yes, we are bounded on two sides by dangerous slums. One of them is the territory of a menacing gang of drug dealers, serenaded by gunfire and haunted by cop helicopters. The other is more benignly poverty-ridden…bearing in mind that there is nothing benign about poverty.

Yes, there IS a reason both side yards are secured with iron bars…

However. We have nothing like the number of bums that we used to see in the tony gentrified precincts of the historic Encanto district. Ex-DH and I lived there for about 14 years, coexisting with people who used our side yards as campgrounds and any unlocked vehicle as an impromptu hotel. Our area enjoyed the highest per-capita rate of drug use in the city. How could North Central even begin to compete with that?

Our children could not play outside in front without at least one adult standing guard outside at all times. You couldn’t poke your head out the front door without seeing a bum wandering up the street. The local grade school was so bad that if you couldn’t afford an expensive private or parochial school, you had no choice but to live in and commute from the suburbs…well, assuming you wanted your kid to learn to read by the end of the first or second grade; assuming your kid didn’t know how to use a knife or a club. And though there’s often some shady frolic going on up in my present neighborhood, most of it is fairly petty. In Encanto: not so much. Here, I’ve had…what? ONE incident — the Garage Invasion — in over 25 years. There, we had the Cat Burglar on the Roof, the Night of the Screaming (in which I managed to scare off a would-be rapist by hollering “Fire!”), the Burglar Who Is Still Running (pursued to this day, in his nightmares, by an angry German shepherd who caught the poor schmuck in the kitchen at three in the morning), the Ax Murder, the All-Night Rapefest, the Sleeping Bum in the Car…it went on and on.

I did not walk in Encanto without that German shepherd at my side — it was unsafe to do so. And even with the beast in tow, I wouldn’t have walked around the block after dark for love nor money.

Here, I almost never see a bum within the neighborhood proper, unless he’s in transit through an alleyway or scavenging for identifiable paperwork in the garbage bin (those latter perps are probably not bums, anyway). The dogs and I walk through the neighborhood almost every day, and we don’t run into roaming drug addicts and neglected mental cases on the local streets. And here, I do walk those dogs at night: small dogs that can do absolutely nothing to protect me. The only thing between us and the bogeyman is a heavy walking stick — one that could easily be turned against me. And have we ever seen a bogeyman out there after dark? Nope.

Do I enjoy driving through a slum to enter my neighborhood from the north or west side? Hell, no! Should the City try to improve jobs and living conditions for residents who live in those tracts? Hell, yes!

But Phoenix is a patchwork: if you don’t live in Scottsdale or in one of the monotonous whitebread suburbs, then you live side by side with a variety of demographic sets. Very wealthy and very poor areas are packed side-by-side in this city. And that’s why you’ll find panhandlers — some of them pretty threatening, but most of them fairly mild folk — in the parking lot of a grocery store that markets to the upper middle class.

Do I shop in my neighborhood’s grocery stores? No. I do the same thing I used to do when I lived in Encanto: drive halfway across the Valley to shop where I feel safe in the parking lot, and where I can get most of the products I want without traipsing from store to store to store. Is that a deal-breaker? Nope. It’s just a fact of life in the Valley of the Sun.

In fact, for an inner-city neighborhood, our area is surprisingly safe and placid. Thanks to a change of policy in the school system allowing you to choose what public school your children will go to, you can send your kids to the public schools here — you just send them out of the district. That makes it possible for the younger families moving in now to come in and upgrade homes…and feel like decorating them with Christmas lights and luminarias.

 

 

Merry (Confuse-a-Human) Christmas!

Ruby and Cassie’s pet Human is merrily confused today. In my old age, I no longer can tell what day of the week it is. Because in old age the day of the week no longer matters.

😉  😀  😉

We roll out of the sack, this morning as usual, whenever the sun wakes us up. It’s around 7:30. I don’t care: just want to sit in front of the space heater and get warm, but that’s not very practical because it’s pretty bracing in here after a heatless night at the Funny Farm. We turn off the heat at night because if the outside temp dips into the 30s, a damn heat pump will freeze up and blast icy air into the house. Plus of course we can’t afford to run the heater in the winter and still have enough in the annual poche to run the air-conditioning in the summer.

I decide to climb back in the sack, put my feet under the heating pad, cover up, and read the morning’s computerized news. The dogs have other ideas about the use of the heating pad and get into a little squabble over who will get first dibs on shoving the Human off the thing. After they’re pulled apart and duly yelled at, they settle down. This is a good thing, because a dog’s body temperature normally runs around 102 degrees, meaning I end up with three heating pads instead of just one…

Along about 9:00, they begin to lobby for food, so we stumble off the bed again, stumble out to the kitchen, and put down a couple dishes of Their Queenship’s Fine Cuisine. Glance out at the porch thermometer: it’s about 45 degrees out there. But at least the wind has died down and the cloud cover has burned off, meaning eventually the sun shining on the dark roof will warm the inside of the house into the tolerable range.

A list of things to do materializes on the white board on the office door. None of them entail any serious work: most of the day is to be occupied by reading a new iteration of a pair of Chinese co-authors’ elaborate research report, 36 pages the gist of which is “all your bases are belong to us.”

I love this stuff. For one thing, it’s a rare day when a Chinese scholar says something brain-banging stupid…not the case with American and European academics, who seem to love to roll around in arcane nonsense. For another, the amount of work these folks put into their projects is astonishing. In an old-fashioned word: they do not spare the horses. So it’s kind of a delight to read it. You find yourself hoping they get published; they get promotion; they get recognition: whatever it is they’re trying to get, they get it done.

This project, at 36 pages much of which I’ve already read once before, will take two or at the outside maybe three days to get through. I hope.

Finish off a fairly large breakfast of cornmeal mush…uhm, “polenta”…and am just carrying the dishes back into the kitchen when JANGLE!!! Phone rings. Damn! A f**kin’ phone solicitor on Christmas Eve?

No. It’s SDXB. He says he’s not coming to the midnight mass tonight because he prefers to go to the right-wing fundamentalist Prod church his present girlfriend favors. That’s fine. But then I say…wait… We don’t sing til tomorrow!

He says you sing on Christmas Eve.

I say, yeah, that’s tomorrow.

He says today is Sunday.

I say no, it’s not. Today is Saturday.

Traipse back to the bedroom, open the computer, and Dayumed if it isn’t Sunday!

But don’t we sing on Christmas Eve? What? Isn’t Sunday Christmas Day?

No. Christmas Day is not Sunday. And yes, today is Sunday. And yes, we’re singing tonight, which is not the same as singing on Christmas Day, which is not Sunday…which is today, which is not Christmas.

?????????????

It takes a good hour to become un-confused and figure out that the list of things I needed to do today is still the list of things I needed to do today, and no, I don’t have to worry about M’hijito showing up over here this afternoon for a ridiculously early high-speed dinner and gift exchange and shoveling him out before I have to fly down to the church to rehearsal.

Now I get an e-mail from M’hijito that indicates I’m still confused. Thought he was supposed to come over tomorrow but apparently he thinks he’s supposed to come over this afternoon.

So I have no idea.

Clearly I am not going to be aging in place in this house, because my marbles are falling out my ears a lot faster than anticipated. If this continues to worsen, soon I will have to move to assisted care.

The corgis have learned to exploit this phenomenon. They have devised a Trick the Human routine. It’s pretty clever, when you think about it.

The Human has trained them to come to call by luring them with a doggy treat. Come into the house when called; get a piece of kibble. It also has trained them to lobby at the back door whenever they need to go out to do their doggy thing. This is also a rewardable activity.

So: they know where the doggy treat jar is, and they know that certain behaviors will elicit a doggy treat. What if….what if one were to combine these behaviors in a convincing way?

So what they do is dance a jig around the back door, begging to be let out. The Human aroused from its comfortable chair and persuaded to open the door, they walk outside, stop at the edge of the patio, pause, turn around, and come back in. Or in Ruby’s case, she stops, stands there, and stares with an expression that says “if you close that door now I will be stuck out here to be eaten by the coyote who lives in the alley, the one that came over the neighbor’s back wall a few days ago.”

She then trots back in and they both charge over to the counter and stand there staring expectantly at the doggy-treat jar.

Oh, well.

Assuming I’ve become correctly un-confused — not an especially safe assumption — the only thing I have to figure out for this evening is how to get this giant crockpot full of fake cassoulet warmed up and over to the church in time for it to be hot for the half-time potluck. There really isn’t enough space in the meeting room for a passel of crockpots — if you don’t get there first you may not find a plug. And I will not be among the first to get there.

Normally I would buy a dessert from Costco for one of these shindigs. But a) the last thing I want to do a day or two before Christmas, at the height of the worst flu season in years, is go into a Costco, and b) even if that were not a problem, I’m flat broke and cannot afford to buy anything at Costco, much less dessert for 40 or 50 people.

And so…onward to the mysteries of running a de-facto state-owned enterprise in the ecology of International Business…

Prepper Frolics: Christmas!

What could be better for the prepper mentality than a Christmas Eve potluck? 😀

Between Christmas Eve songfests — one early in the evening and one a sort of midnight service (though somewhat before midnight, which is past the Episcopalian bed-time) — the choir descends on a large potluck. I am not good with potlucks, because my cooking needs are so minuscule I’m not what you’d call accustomed to preparing large meals. Nor can I bake anything, since I no longer have and never again will have a functioning oven.

Well. Unless the lottery pans out…

Luckily, when my friends were emptying out their freezer, they happened to donate a frozen cassoulet kit to my cause. It contains packets of sauce, a little raw chicken, a passel of partially cooked beans, and some sliced sausage. This fine set of ingredients, you’re supposed to toss into a slow cooker and simmer away for the afternoon. Hm.

Not enough to feed 40 people and their spouses… It looks like it’s meant for two to four people. But…interesting…surely it wouldn’t be hard to build on this thing?

I bought a few more boned chicken thighs. The ones that come with the kit are raw — IMHO the only way to make crock-pot meat edible is to brown it first. So cooked up a chopped onion in some olive oil, with a little garlic. Then set those aside, cut up the chicken into more or less bite-sized pieces, browned those. Dumped them into the crock pot with the onions & garlic. Deglazed the pan with some white wine; added that to the pot. Then added the white beans from the package, a can of black beans, a box of fancy Italian tomatoes that actually have a flavor, the packaged sauce and sausage, and another splash of wine.

Just now it smells pretty good! I hope it tastes good. The plan is to get it done by around 4 or 5 p.m., then let it cool and then stash it in the fridge, where it can wait until next Sunday to be rewarmed.

The day is going a lot more smoothly than the last two nightmare days, lhudly sing huzzah. A long list has gotten done, interrupted by a de rigueur traipse to the post office to send outgoing mail.

Remember when we used to be able to stick an envelope in the mailbox, flip up the red flag, and let the mailman take it away?

No longer!

Well, in theory you could, but chances are slim to nil that it would still be there by the time the MailIndividual shows up. The place is swarming with petty thieves, all of them in search of Amazon packages and mail containing data that can be used in identity theft. The other day one of them maced a neighbor in the face; the latter nevertheless jumped in his SUV, chased the bastard on his (or someone’s) bicycle, and ran him down.

Yes, Virginia. There is a Wild West…

Two of today’s envelopes contained checks, and one was a SASE from a limited partnership, containing a vote on a pretty crucial issue. Official-looking to the max, it looks like it would contain a check, useful private data, or both.

So one of the jobs on the to-do list is to • write blog post.

√ Done!

 

Day from Hell: Part II

Ha haaaaa! It didn’t stop after I sat down for awhile and tried to unwind.

So come eventide, it was dinnertime for the dogs. Cassie goes in a back bedroom to dine, so that Ruby can’t shove her aside and grab her Molecules.

Dogs must have Molecules: every single last flavor molecule left on a dog dish or that might have slopped onto the floor after all the food is vacuumed into the dog.

And this is where the competition between Ruby and Cassie comes in: Flavor Molecule Wars. To keep them from tearing each other apart, I’ve taken to feeding them on opposite sides of a closed door. Since it’s now a bit too cold to put Ruby on the back porch, Ruby gets the kitchen and Cassie gets the bedroom.

While the royalty is dining, I take it into my feeble brain to use the blender in a little household hack: I wish to thin some aging hair conditioner with water so as to use it as a laundry softener — a function the stuff performs admirably.

Haul the blender jar out of its kitchen cabinet, go to set it on the countertop, and WOOP! It slips out of my hand, crashes to the floor, EXPLODES all over the kitchen. Glass flies everywhere, including into the dog’s food dish.

Ruby is terrorized. BUT…ah yes, but Ruby is a corgi. Nothing deters a corgi from eating. She’s shivering in fear, but she’s still trying to scarf down her food, which by now is glittering with sharp pieces of glass.

Snatch her up and carry her away from the chow — I hope before she swallows any glass. We’ll know by morning, I expect. Lock the shaken dog into a different bedroom; then run back there with a fresh plate of food, which she instantly attacks.

It’s been a long time, I reflect while vacuuming up glass, since I’ve broken glass all over the floor like this. Occasionally a wine glass will break in the dishwasher or sink, but dropped jars have become a thing of the past.

SDXB used to drop glasses and jars all the time. This, we thought, was because he had a depth perception problem: it was hard for him to tell exactly how far item X was from counter Y or faucet Z, and so glasses were constantly getting busted. For that reason, I bought a set of drinking glasses in the heavy Mexican bottle-glass tradition. These things are, for all practical purposes, unbreakable — years later, the entire set still resides in the kitchen cabinet. Two prior sets of less rustic-looking glassware were demolished within months.

Luckily, speaking of demolition, I happen to have not one but two extra blender jars. So despite the annoyance, the hassle, and the time suck, not all was lost.

What. A. Day!!!

Day from Hell: Halfway Point…

Have you ever noticed that when one thing goes wrong, everything goes wrong?

It started yesterday, really: Arriving at the Mayo along about 2:00 p.m. for a CAT scan, I’m informed that the imaging machine has been up and down a couple of times during the day, so they’re running a little late.

How much “little late”?

Ahem…well, about three hours.

Holy fuck. It’s an hour’s drive, one way, out there: two hours through homicidal traffic, round trip. I save an hour of misery by depositing two hours in the Mayo’s misery machine.

Still, I do have other things to do with my time than twiddling my thumbs in a waiting room.

“Look,” say I. “I am not in pain and whatever ails me isn’t about to kill me. Why don’t we reschedule, and then you can move everyone who’s sitting out there looking patient/cranky/miserable up 15 or 20 minutes.”

“Oh, no no. It’s no problem. They’ve been catching up!”

Uh huh. READ “We are check-in staff, not scheduling staff.” Also known as “not my job.”

So I take a seat and wait for an hour or more. Luckily, I brought a yellow pad with which to doodle. I make some notes on the direction in which I intend to take the current mini-project.

Some people waiting there are clearly very sick (that, after all, is why you pay extra to go to the Mayo). I remain convinced that they should get priority, since they should not have to sit around till the cows come home to get attention.

An hour later, two of us get called in to a pre-examination waiting room. She’s one of the folks who is obviously, visibly, very ill. Very sweet, too. I learn, as she speaks through a paper face mask clearly intended to protect her from the contagion of her fellow waiting-room denizens, that she’s from Seattle and she has a husband who has manfully stood with her through a long and spectacularly difficult illness: he “retired” from his job to take care of her. This couple is decidedly not at retirement age. Another is a guy who is less visibly in pain, a sufferer of chronic kidney problems. He does not complain, but what he describes is something that has to be fairly excruciating. He is a Republican, but one with common sense. We get on well and if we were not at the Mayo Clinic would no doubt be solving the nation’s problems over several beers.

Finally I escape: yes, three hours late. Trudge across the Valley through rush-hour traffic (why do they call sitting in miles-long lines of cars a “rush”????). Bolt down a few bites of food, feed the dogs, and fly out the door to choir…for which I am totally not prepared.

BUT… minutes before I must race out, an email comes in from M’hijito. He has put his back out, big-time, and is beside himself a) with pain and b) with frustration that this comes just when he has arranged to take two days off work to enjoy life. Do I still have any of the droggas that I obtained during the Year of the Surgeries?

Well. Yes, I do. What he doesn’t know is that I have stashed them (where he cannot find them and take them away from me) to use as the key to my Final Exit, whenever it may be needed. Which could be…oh, very possibly right now, depending on the results from this CAT scan.

Hm.

I also have certain other chemicals obtained in states where they can be purchased legally.

A first-aid kid assembled, I fly down to his house and find him…not there.

Yeah. So…where the f*** is he? I do not know. The house looks like…well, a bachelor pad. I leave the scene to your imagination, which will have to be fairly vivid to be up for the job. So I deposit the medicaments on the kitchen counter, find a piece of paper and (miraculously!) a pen, and drop a note to him in the middle of the living room floor directing him to the source of first aid. Then fly to choir, worrying that he may be at some “urgent” care center.

Later I learn he’s gone to a movie because, says he, he feels better sitting than laying down or standing up. Read “I do not want you to know about the girl I’m with.” Okay.

Moving on…

The light dawns this morning. If anything it is even murkier than it was yesterday. Hoooollleeee sh!t.

Roll out of the sack around 7 a.m., which is about when it gets light at this time of year.

Go to e-mail to check on the Son’s condition. No clue about that…but lo! Here’s an email from a client in Singapore demanding that I produce an estimate on a project we’ve discussed in passing: by 9:00 a.m. September 22, Singapore time.

By now it’s 10:30 p.m. Singapore time, December 21.

Estimate? On what? To my knowledge, I have not even seen his current project. I search incoming and sent e-mail. On the third go-round, I realize his co-author is another of my clients, and this individual has indeed sent me the article and its associated correspondence… As attachments to an e-mail that is a reply to an e-mail from me (itself a reply) that already contained an attachment. In other words, his attachment is in a message that already contained attachments.

WTF?

I download these and find it is a large project.

It’s 9:00 before I get it figured out and calculate the costs plus the PayPal gouges and prepare a formal estimate that they can present to their institution.

BUT…I was supposed to have my car at Chuck the Wonder-Mechanic’s place at 9:00 a.m.

And I’ve forgotten to feed the dogs. Throw some food down and fly into the back of the house to wash the face,. brush the teeth, and and toss on some marginally presentable clothes. Haven’t had a chance to bolt down breakfast.

Fly back into the kitchen, pour some hot water over some coffee grounds in a French Press, slice a few bits of cheese to munch in transit. Step on a dog dish I’ve left in the middle of the kitchen floor. Twist my ankle, bruise my instep royally, but amazingly enough, fail to break the dish.

Swear like a sailor — a veteran sailor, nay, a pirate. The back door is open. The sweet little prissy little mother now living in Sally’s house hears this imprecation and exclaims in horror. F*** you, you twit, I think while limping back to the office to retrieve the car keys and the credit cards.

Along about 9:10, I leave the house, computer in tow — I hope to get some work done while sitting in Chuck’s waiting room, even though he doesn’t provide an Internet connection for the hoi or the polloi. Harvey the Hayward Pool Cleaner is already resident in the car, having broken down yesterday: the plan was to get him fixed at Leslie’s on the way home.

Turning east into the glaring sun, I cannot find my sunglasses. I search as best as I can while driving, and cannot find them. Sh!t…what could have happened to them? It’s not something I would’ve taken into the house…but failing to find them after much groping around, I figure that has to be what happened. Either that or the damn things fell out of the car in some parking lot.

Headed out of the neighborhood… I follow a route of back streets in order to avoid the spine-wrenching speed bumps and the tooth-grinding roundabouts that decorate the most direct feeder streets. At the corner of Neighborhood Lane North-South and Main Feeder Street East-West, I spot a cop car, lights flashing. Figure one of the locals has driven out in front of one of the crazy fools who speed across Main Feeder Street E-W, so slow down for what I expect to find is a fine wrecky-poo.

Nope. No wreck. Instead, it’s a cop and a civilian car and uniformed cops walking around. And there’s the resident of the rental house on the corner, out in her front yard in her bathrobe (it is a chilly morning), looking exceptionally unhappy.

Mm-hmmm. A Police Situation.

Over the past week or so, neighbors on the Nextdoor social network have reported several incidents where creeps sorry, strangers have shown up at the front door, knocked or rung the doorbell, and when confronted with the occupant, identified themselves in various transparently spurious ways. Painfully clear that these people are looking for opportunities to burgle. So I’m thinking that’s probably what happened here. Either that or one of the spouses took it upon him/herself to wallop the other one. Who knows?

Since I’m running so late, I’ve missed the worst of the rush hour and it takes only about half the expected time to arrive at Chuck’s. Of course, because now I am late, I’m told to get in line…meaning a one- to two-hour wait. That’s OK. Car mechanics are, by and large, convenable company.

Ensconced in Chuck’s …uhm…waiting room after having sponged another half-cup of coffee from the boys, I examine the bruised foot. Hurts, but it doesn’t look anywhere near as bad as expected.

Turn on the computer and consider what to do. Before leaving, I’d typed the notes I’d made at the Mayo yesterday into the work in progress; hit “save,” or so I thought. But don’t feel very creative and am worried about the Chinese math papers. So open the response to the reviewers and start to work on it in a desultory way.

Start to write a comment to Paragraph 2 when…ker-blankoooooh!!!! The file goes completely white and…yes…fucking Wyrd CRASHES, taking down the other two files that were open.

It is, as it develops, a major crash.

Manage to recover the program, but it takes another hour to recover the crashed goddamn files. The one I’d added data to and had saved seemed to have lost data. It “recovered” in several iterations, no two of which were identical — and all free of the most recently added passage. After much despair, I finally found — as by a fluke — a version that contained the data I’d entered at 7 a.m., suggesting it probably had retained the content I had entered earlier yesterday.

The Chinglish response to peer reviewers…not so much.

Fortunately, I’d only sifted through a couple of paragraphs of that thing. But every sentence that you have to do twice is a sentence that costs you money.

Chuck arrives, himself running late because his wife, who is very sick indeed, is having an exceptionally bad morning. {sigh}

Chuck and Mrs. Chuck are one of those fairy-tale couples who still, 50 years later, are still deeply, passionately in love. And when you hear Chuck describe their travails, you know that watching her suffer (unto what, at great length, will be her death) is even more painful to him than it is to her. You wish there was something that could be done, but you know there is not.

Selfishly enough, this does not help your outlook.

The men finish with the car. I search for my expensive prescription sunglasses one more time, before setting out on the roads again. No, I do not find them.

Northbound, the road is under construction (is there any street in Lovely Uptown Phoenix that is not torn up?). Finally make it to the Leslie’s pool store. Search for the expensive prescription sunglasses again. No, I do not find them.

Schlep Harvey in to be fixed. Find another piece of the disintegrating pool brush in his innards. Discuss cartridge filters with the beloved Leslie’s guy. While we’re chatting, he spots a shoplifter exiting.

This is so commonplace he doesn’t even rise to the bait. {sigh}

I do not mention to him that I’ve ordered a new cartridge filter from his competition, Swimming Pool Service and Repair (because they do not gouge me for a “trip charge,” or at least they are not forthcoming enough to admit that’s what they’re doing). Reflect on how extremely annoyed I am that a) they’re ripping me off for $1,250 for the privilege and b) Leslie’s is only charging $799 for such a filter.

Leslie’s, of course, is not advertising the installation charge, and so I feel pretty confident that the bottom line would be about the same. Still, I’m irked.

Drag the repaired Harvey out to the car, feeling happy not to be panhandled on the way. Search for the sunglasses again, thinking maybe they fell under the seats and got stuck in the exceptionally annoying narrow crevasse between the Venza’s seats and its exceptionally annoying credenza lash-up between the seats.

Back in the ‘hood, I head up Neighborhood Lane NS, retracing my back-roads route toward the house. Naturally I get behind a U.S. Postal Service truck!

Understand: the mail isn’t delivered in our parts until after 5:00 p.m. WTF is this guy doing here at this time of day? There’s not enough room to get around him, so I have to make a U-turn (a fairly elaborate maneuver on a narrow street) and go back down to an east-west neighborhood lane, make my way to Feeder Street NS, and dodge fellow nut-cases and confused workmen to get back to the Funny Farm.

It’s almost noon by the time I get home. All I’ve had for breakfast is a slice of cheese, one decent cup of coffee, and a great deal of caffeinated swill.

Fly into the house, turn on the computer. Find response to early-morning worried e-mail from M’hijito. The high-test addictive drug I delivered scares the bedoodles out of him. He declines to swallow it. I suggest he cut a pill in two or that he try the marginally legal alternative also delivered to his precincts last night. And I cannot figure out how to demand that he return the H-T AD without revealing that I want it for suicidal purposes, having determined not to go through a helluva lot more Healthcare Bullshit in the future. Some things, you simply cannot explain to anyone under the age of about 65 or 70. Especially if they’re your kid.

Drag the computer and Harvey out of the car, let the dogs into the backyard, retrieve two pieces of leftover pizza from the fridge and set them into the toaster oven to warm. Pour a glass of wine.

On impulse, search the car again. This time I finally find my spectacularly overpriced shades: under the choir binder in the passenger seat…where I’ve already searched twice, fruitlessly. The only explanation is that the damn things dematerialized the first two times I searched for them.

{sigh}

So it goes. A long day consisting of annoyance after frustration after socially delicate predicament after grief after annoyance.

The Red Tuxedo

Who knows what secrets lurk in the hearts of women? Ever wonder…first, at the secrets you held when you were a young thing, and second, what became of those secrets? One of mine is the Man in the Red Tuxedo.

The Man entered my life in my sophomore year at the University of Arizona, introduced to me by a friend I’d met in the dorm.

Jim was not a good man. To the contrary. He was the kind of man who was attractive to women who are attracted to the Dark Side. And I, decidedly, was one of those women. He hung around briefly that year and then he left, and I was privately glad to see the dust rising from his heels.

Several years later, though, he resurfaced. How exactly he found me, I do not recall. But he did. I had graduated from college, landed a piddling little job, and had recently moved into an apartment. So it was early in 1967.

Well, we immediately started dating again. My parents had badgered me into breaking up with the true love of my life, who himself was…we might say, not the best of all possible men. Ultimately I would have shown that guy the door on my own initiative, but because of the circumstances — long story short, my parents inflicted a surprisingly effective variety of emotional blackmail — I missed him very much, felt guilty about having dumped on him, and wanted a man. So, we became an Item.

A fairly rocky Item, because, as I say, he was not a good man. My mother, so happy was she to see the end of the guy I’d been dating for the prior three years, deluded herself that he was a wonder and a joy and the handsomest thing that ever came along.

He was handsome, in a rough way. More or less. When he was sober.

Jim came from Yuma, where his supposedly widowed mother still lived. He claimed to be living off the proceeds of a large inheritance, which, he said, had been put in trust for him. Every now and again, he would make a drive to Yuma to “rip off some cash from the trust.”

So he said.

What we’re saying here is that there were no visible means of support…

Jim was active in the Republican Party here in lovely Arizona. He had attached himself to a Yavapai County congressman as a kind of informal man for all seasons. Because he had been treated, in the past, for some kind of mental illness, he could not run for political office, but he dreamed of becoming a power behind the power — a small-time, primordial Steve Bannon, I guess. His mentor was not a great guy, either. One of the chores he assigned to Jim was scouting up prostitutes to entertain visiting politicos, of whom a few would drift through in a fairly steady stream.

Jim and this state representative had attended the 1964 Republican convention that nominated Barry Goldwater, where they involved themselves in a number of petty acts of vandalism intended to support their hero. An early rendition of “dirty tricks,” you might say.

One day, Jim decided to accompany me and my mother on a shopping trip to Diamond’s Department Store, at that time one of the most upscale merchandisers in the state. It was on a par, I’d guess, with Saks Fifth Avenue today. If such stores thrived now to the extent they did in the mid-twentieth century.

Remember S&H Green Stamps? In those days, Diamond’s dispensed them. My mother collected them and furnished our house with the Target-quality Green Stamp give-aways. She collected assiduously. Keep that factoid in mind.

So at Diamond’s, Jim directs us to the men’s department, saying he wishes to buy a red tuxedo and wants to view the store’s offerings. Forthwith, a salesman shows our man his wares, and they indeed do find a red-toned tuxedo jacket. It’s not a scarlet number like the one in today’s FaM banner, but black with some kind of pattern — probably paisley — limned in red.

He buys himself the red-patterned jacket, a cumberbund, a bow tie, a vest, a pair of black slacks, and such like, racking up a handsome bill. All this, he pays for at the register with cash.

The delighted salesman hands him a stack of sheets filled with Green Stamps, eliciting a blank look from Jim.

It used to be you got one stamp for every dime you spent at a participating merchant. I don’t clearly recall the amount Jim spent. The figure that sticks in my mind is $600, but that seems unlikely. A quick cruise through Amazon suggests that today a tuxedo jacket and trousers go for something between $160 to $360; a vest, $16 to $50; a cumberbund, $7 to $23; bow tie, $6 to $20; suspenders, $5 to $10, for a total price ranging between about $200 and about $460. Presumably today’s clothing all comes from China and so is, in relative terms, much cheaper. But given the difference in the value of a buck, I think he spent about $200.

In 2017 dollars, that would be $1,499.51.

So…it is no wonder that when he turned to my mother and, with a courtly flourish, offered her the entire pile of Green Stamps, her jaw dropped to the floor.

From that day forward, my mother thought Jim was the most wonderful thing that ever walked the surface of this earth.

There was a lot she didn’t know about Jim.

In due course, though, I figured him out and told him to take a flying eff at the moon. His response was to commit a rape and then, thank God, to leave. Good riddance to exceptionally bad rubbish.

Time passed. About three months after I had married, the phone rang. It was my old college friend, the one who had introduced me to the dashing Jim.

Had I read the report in the morning paper about Jim? she asked.

Well, no.

Jim had been arrested driving across the desert from Yuma, carrying the largest haul of cocaine that had, to that date, ever been confiscated in Arizona.

Ha haaa! So! That was the “trust” and the source of his mound of cash money: the Mexican Trust. 😀

Ay, caramba!

What became of Jim after that, I do not know (mercifully). Never heard from or about him again.

That was the Man in the Red Tuxedo.