Coffee heat rising

Gratitude(?)

Over at A Gai Shan Life, Revanche is climbing back from her recent shocking loss and, I suppose, from the equally shocking (potentially) good news. Resonating off a theme launched by eemusings, she lists several things she’s grateful for and asks readers to join in.

Just now, I must say, I’m finding it difficult to evince much gratitude.

The modern medicine that recently has made Revanche’s life more comfortable has disrupted my life Big Time. I’ve been cut up, half-healed, infected, bloated with hematoma, ruptured and bleeding, in pain, sickened by drugs, and waiting to be cut up again since the end of June, and whether Dr. P manages to “get it all” on her next fishing expedition or whether she has to lob the boob off altogether, the nightmare is not going to end much before the middle of December. If the surgery ends with success (heh…) on October 15, I will then have to heal up again — a month or so — and then be subjected to at least three or four weeks of radiation therapy, which will be followed by some weeks of debilitating fatigue. And God only knows how long it will take to get over that!

The longer the mess goes on, the more evident it becomes that the disruption, pain, and distress were utterly unnecessary, the result of massive overtreatment of women’s breast issues institutionalized within our  healthcare system. As each day passes, I learn how many more women have gone through some or all of this ordeal. The number is huge, many more than the one in eight who are said to develop breast cancer over the course of a lifetime. That is because women who do not have and probably will never have breast cancer are being subjected to the same treatment they would get if they did have cancer: mutilating surgeries, risk-fraught radiation therapy, and chemotherapy, all in the name of prophylaxis.

Sorry. I don’t feel grateful for that at all. Yes, I’m glad I don’t have cancer, but I very much doubt that an extremely indolent growth that, if you believe Dr. P on the rate at which these things expand, has resided harmlessly in my body for a good ten or fifteen years, would ever have developed into cancer. And if it did, it could have been treated then, in exactly the same way it’s being treated now — only for an actual reason.

I’m grateful this happened while the stock market is up, so I can take money out of retirement savings without totally raping what little remains of my future. Like unto “grateful it isn’t cancer when it clearly was not cancer, is not cancer, and probably never would have become cancer,” that’s a pretty piss-poor target of gratitude. Gee, I’m so glad I had plenty of money to be taken away from me pointlessly by doctors, hospitals, cancer centers, household help, pool help, yard help, dog help.

I’m grateful my business partner was here to cover for me. I’d have lost my shirt three ways from Sunday if she weren’t picking up my work. As it is, I’m probably going to lose one lucrative account, because that project simply cannot be done without my contribution, and I’m too sick to do it. The plan to expand The Copyeditor’s Desk into indie publishing is down in flames. I can’t even get my act together to build the website Jesse established for it, much less actually do any work.

I’m grateful my son has kindly taken uncountable hours of time off work to drag me back and forth to surgery after surgery. But I’m not the slightest bit grateful that I had to ask him to do that, and that I have no other resource to take the pressure off him.

I’m grateful that the corgi breeder who charged me $1,200 for Ruby will probably let me return her, now that I’m too sick to take care of her and that she’s decided to turn Cassie into a doormat. No refund, of course; nor will there be refunds for the astonishing amounts of cash outlay on vet bills, special UTI dog food, dog gates, dog crates, dog leashes, dog collars, dog harness, the wrought-iron gate to keep her out of the pool, and on and on and on and on. I’m grateful my son has taken her off my hands for a couple of weeks. I’m not grateful at all that I’m going to have to take her back where she will be kenneled for heaven knows how long, and that I probably would have had to do so even if the boob fiasco had never happened.

I’m grateful the weather is cooling a little. And that there are no disclaimers to that one.

So… Gratitude? Mixed. Very mixed. Tepid, one might say.

    This poor youngling for whom we do sing     Bye, bye, lully, lullay.
This poor youngling for whom we do sing
Bye, bye, lully, lullay.

 

 

What’s Wrong with These Pictures?

Dropped by Budgeting in the Fun Stuff today? That crazy dude who tracked down his ex-wife’s sister in Texas and murdered her and five other members of her family was brought to ground in BiFS’s neighborhood. After he executed the couple and all but one of their children, he took off in search of his ex’s mother. The mother and her family were saved only because the critically wounded survivor of the first mass slaying alerted police to his plans.

This guy, Ron Haskell, was batshit crazy. He had abused his wife.  He tied up, choked, and threatened his own mother with death. The mother reported to police that he said he was going to kill her, his ex-wife, and any police officer who tried to stop him. His lawyers propose to argue that he’s mentally incompetent, acting while off his meds. The fact that this man was mad as a hatter and dangerously violent was no secret to anyone who came in contact with him.

So…why was he still loose on the street?

Why? Because we no longer have mental institutions, and we no longer have the will to confine people who clearly represent a threat to others because of obvious, certifiable mental derangement.

I’ll tellya what I think. Officials of the state and of a county in Utah knew this guy was crazy. They knew he was dangerous. They knew he had already harmed his wife and his mother and threatened mayhem right and left. The state of Utah should pay for all the damage this man did in Texas.

Utah taxpayers should pay to clean up the physical mess created by six murders in a Texas home.

They should cover the medical and psychiatric bills for the 15-year-old girl whose family members were shot, one by one, in front of her and who sustained critical injuries.

If she survives those injuries, Utah taxpayers should have to pay to support her for the rest of her life, a life that you can bet has been destroyed — now and evermore. Utah taxpayers should foot the bill for the police and the EMTs who responded to the crime and chased down and cornered the guy.

They should pay for all the security doors and expensive hardened locks the terrified residents of those haunted Texas neighborhoods now feel they should put on their homes, and the bars over their windows, and the burglar alarm systems, and the pistols and shotguns they feel compelled to buy to protect themselves.

They should pay for all the legal bills to prosecute and defend the wretched Mr. Haskell, and they should foot the bill for keeping the bastard in jail for the rest of his natural life or until Texas executes him, whichever comes first.

This pattern has become a tiresome story. We have shut down mental health care in this country — it’s even sadder than our regular physical healthcare — and the result is an unending binge of crazies with guns and knives taking out anyone they feel impelled to take out. Time after time, reports on each new mass killing reveal that someone, somewhere knew the perp was dangerously insane and that nothing was done about it.

And as long as we’re on healthcare in the United States, have you seen this little gem? Questor Pharmaceuticals, one of the Big Pharma corporations that helps to generate funds for the One Percent, has been downplaying the potentially fatal side-effects of a drug called Acthar. In 2001,  Questor purchased rights to Acthar, a so-called “orphan” drug developed to treat a rare medical condition, for $100,000. Since then the company has been aggressively marketing it to treat chronic diseases such as lupus and multiple sclerosis. In 2007, a 5 ml vial of the stuff cost $1,650.

Exorbitant, you say? You ain’t seen nothin’: today five ml of the drug — .17 ounce, about a teaspoonful — goes for $28,000!

Where, God help us, are the regulators? Yeah. In the same place as the mental institutions: the junk pile.

We need to bring sanity back to the governing of this country.

And we need to make those taxpayers determined to dodge their collective responsibility fiscally responsible for their collective irresponsibility.

 

If You’d Asked Me, I Would Have Told You…

Water-saving, power-saving appliances are about as ecologically unfriendly and consumer-unfriendly as it is possible for a device to be.

P1030121How d’you like what came out of my washer this morning?

The new, fancy, water- and power-saving EXPENSIVE clothes washer creates a massive tangle if I have the chutzpah to put a shirt in with a pair of blue jeans. To avoid a huge wadded mess, I have to put anything that has a strap or a sleeve into a mesh bag.

Today that strategy didn’t work. The entire load of colored clothes came out in a single gigantic knot.

This annoyance is characteristic of the Samsung top-loading high-efficiency goddamn washing machine I bought a year or so ago. I’m told it’s characteristic of front-loaders, too.

Before Samsung (BS, appropriately enough), I could run a load of colored clothes through the old-fashioned top-loading actually functional Kenmore washer, hang the knit tops and cotton bluejeans on ordinary clothes hangers, and let them air-dry on a laundry-room rack. Now, to beat the wadded-in wrinkles out of them — after I’ve spent ten minutes untangling the mess — I have to run them through the dryer!

BS, I hardly ever used electric power to dry my clothes. Most of them dried, with no need for ironing, on clothes hangers that could be carried, once the laundry had air-dried, from the wash area to the closet. Now all the jeans and most of the shirts have to be run through a dryer, wasting electric power and running up the power bill.

A twenty-minute wash cycle has morphed into an hour and ten minutes.

One might avoid the knotting conundrum by washing all of one’s pants separately from all of one’s other clothing. Consider what this would do for you (or to you):

Now you would have to separate out every pair of pants from every other category of clothing. This would, at best, present you with four loads of laundry: colored pants, colored shirts and underwear, white & beige pants, white & beige underwear. Two 20-minute loads (one white, one colored) now convert to four one-hour-and-10-minute “high-efficiency” loads. Four hours and forty minutes to do a forty-minute laundry job! At least two of those loads — the ones including the pants, whose legs will knot together willy-nilly, will have to be run through the dryer whether you prefer to do so or not, to get rid of the knotted-in wrinkles. This more than doubles your water and energy use on the washer, and if you are one of those wily consumers who figured out that few clothes really have to go through a dryer, it increases your power bill accordingly.

It’s in the same category, isn’t it, as the water-saving toilet. You know, the one that supposedly needs 1/3 less water to flush than real toilets used to need, but that has to be flushed three times to get the stuff down. And the ugly fluorescent light bulbs that make everyone in the room look green, that dump mercury into the landfill (and all over your house if you drop one), and that give you a migraine whenever you turn them on.

Big-Brother-Knows-Best good intentions lead people to find workarounds with counterproductive consequences.

The high-efficiency clothes washer and the water-saving toilets are obvious cases in point.

Another one: we know that in 2015 the city probably will institute water rationing. From California’s experience, we know the strategy will be to tell people they will face fines  unless they cut water use, as measured by the present smart meters, to 60% of their prior use. Some folks, then, realize  they need to use about 40% more water than necessary now, so that when the cutbacks come, enough water will be available to keep their citrus trees, energy-saving shade trees, and vegetable gardens alive.

More immediately, though: Our dearly beloved paternal city has installed counter-intuitive roundabouts up and down the ’hood’s main north-south feeder street, and they’ve put infuriating, alignment-wrenching speed bumps along the east-west feeder street. The result? Pass-through traffic is diverted off the feeder streets onto smaller, once-sleepy neighborhood roads. In the few weeks since I found my way around the damn things, I’ve noticed that LOTS more drivers are joining me in the several routes that take us around the stupid speed bumps and the wreck-inviting traffic circles. (Ever had anyone try to pass you in a one-lane traffic circle? I have…)

Want to slow down the passers-through who don’t give a damn about our kids, our pets, or our old ladies trying to walk off a few pounds? Two easier, cheaper solutions: a) install traffic cameras; or b) station a nice, sturdy traffic cop in the neighborhood during rush hours.

Dogs, like humans, should eat real food.

That means actual balanced, unprocessed diets consisting of cooked meat, vegetables, fruits, and healthy starches — not the junk food humans normally eat these days.

Ruby the Corgi Pup has made the transition, at last, to a diet of full-blown real food. Shortly after losing the ultra-premium dog food, she lost the chronic diarrhea. And now, a few weeks after having made her escape?

Her fur is so shiny it practically glows in the dark. Her eyes are bright and clear. Her mood is happy, rambunctious, and funny. She radiates good health.

Cassie the Elderly Corgi, who has never been off real food since she entered my precincts, continues in good health. Her fur is rich and radiant; her eyes…yes, bright and clear. Her teeth, good. Her everything, healthy and strong. No vet has ever been able to find anything wrong with her.

The difference in the pup since I took her off the commercial dog food is incredible. Reminds me of what happened when I started feeding real food to the aged German shepherd and the aged greyhound, in response to the Late, Great Melamine Scare. The Gershep, who at the time was so advanced in decrepitude she could barely haul herself to her feet, suddenly was chasing her ball across the yard, something she hadn’t been able to manage for a year or more. Both dogs thrived on a diet of 1/2 cooked meat, 1/4 cooked vegetables, and 1/4 starch (such as sweet potatoes, rice, or oatmeal).

Folks. Dogs do best when fed a diet approximating a healthy, balanced human diet, less the onion, the garlic, the sugar, the salt, and the chocolate.

Commercial dog food is a huge scam.

This morning I threw out a half-dozen cans of ultra-premium dog food. At $2.60 per can plus tax, that came to a little over $17, directly into the garbage. That expensive commercial dog food made Ruby good and sick — she had projectile diarrhea for a good ten days, until I finally gave up and took her off the stuff.

Do you think it’s in the natural order of things that when you switch a dog from one food to another, it should get gastritis, manifested by diarrhea and possibly even vomiting?

Well, no, my friends: it is not. When a dog  becomes accustomed to eating real food, it can shift easily and with no ill effects from one type of protein to another, from one veggie or fruit to another, from one source of starch to another. Ruby has readily adjusted to the following:

chicken
hamburger (i.e., beef)
pork
sweet potato
rice
oatmeal
peas
carrots
winter squash
banana
blueberries

But moving from Castor and Pollux ultra-excellent canned dog food to Wellness ultra-excellent canned dog food gives her a violent case of the doggywobbles???? Excuse me? What IS wrong with this picture?

Welp, think about it. Dogs have lived with humans for some 15,000 years. Along about 1860 — about 157 years ago — some entrepreneurial human came up with the idea that doting pet owners could be persuaded that their “pet children” should be fed special pet food! This idea redounded to the vast profit of said entrepreneur, and to that of all the pet industry entrepreneurs who came after him.

Before this genius came up with a scheme to persuade us that nothing would do but what we must feed our animals special pet food, unrelated to anything we as humans would ever dream of eating (would you put a piece of dog kibble in your mouth?), dogs ate whatever people ate. Humans, who at the time did not overindulge in Big Macs, french fries, pizza, and soda, would put down whatever was left over from their own meals, or whatever offal they took out of the animals they hunted for sustenance. Over the millennia, dogs evolved to eat what humans eat.

In just 157 years, they have not un-evolved. Dogs still thrive on the kind of food you and I would thrive on, were we not presented with over-processed, over-sugared, over-salted junk food! We would thrive on it, too, if we could be persuaded to fire up the stove and cook our own food.

At $2.60 per 13-ounce can, a puppy that needs to be fed 2 1/3 cans per day racks up a much, much higher food bill than she does when her human goes out and buys some hamburger, pork, or chicken on sale (it’s a myth that pork is bad for dogs, BTW), a few sweet potatoes or a bag of oatmeal, and some frozen vegetables. It is far cheaper to cook your dog’s food than it is to feed comparable food out of a can or a refrigerated roll. And the results, in terms of your dog’s health, appearance, and temperament, are far superior.

And now for the Conspiracy Theory of the Day: Does it not strike you as odd that once a dog is acclimated to real food, it can switch readily from ingredient to ingredient with no distress, whereas a switch from Purina to Science Diet or from Castor & Pollux to Wellness will cause spasms of doggy diarrhea?

Odd, indeed. IMHO, the only reasonable explanation is that dog food manufacturers spike their product with ingredients that cause gastritis when the consumer switches abruptly from one brand to another. It is, in a word, a scheme to scare consumers into keeping their dogs on the given commercial brand they start with. Dog food is jiggered to make dogs sick when they’re switched from product to product.

Real food decidedly does not have that effect.

Way too often, veterinary bills are  inflated by unnecessary testing, unnecessary “wellness” exams, and unnecessary procedures.

Remember when your vet tried to get you to come in once a year for an annual pet exam? Well, they’re accelerating that: today when my vet’s assistant left me on hold to listen to the endlessly annoying, uneasy-making advertising tape, I was informed that he now wants customers to bring their pets in twice a year!

If you’ve been paying attention, you know that many of the vaccines we’ve been told our pets must have, over and over world without end, lest they die of some dread disease are truly unnecessary. Endless annual booster shots operate, at many veterinaries, as a tool to get you back in the door, where you can be subjected to the Big Upsell: persuaded that any number of unnecessary procedures, from expensive dental cleaning to daily medications that require expensive semi-annual blood tests to routine over-vaccination…to god only knows what. These procedures, many of which may be unnecessary, cost pet owners some very big bucks.

And while we’re on the subject, humans also are subjected to massive unnecessary medical examinations and testing.

I tire,  so let’s abbreviate:

The annual physical exam (thank god) is going out of style.

Annual physicals are unnecessary.

Unnecessary, we say.

Annual pelvic exams for women are unnecessary.

Routine physicals lead to invasive, dangerous, and unnecessary procedures, even among the one-percenters.

Routine screening tests lead to exorbitant unnecessary costs.

Studies show unnecessary tests rack up 40% of Medicare spending.

Do I regret allowing myself to be subjected to the “routine” mammogram that has sucked me into a mutilating surgery and an uncertain future? Maybe. Maybe not. From what I can tell, the extremely low-grade entity discovered in my boob may or may not morph into an invasive cancer. Apparently no one can tell. If I were six or eight years older, cutting open my breast and yanking this thing out would be a destructive, pointless, harmful exercise in futility — I would die of some other natural cause long before this thing could kill me, if it ever decided to spread around. But because I’m  not quite 70…it’s ambiguous.

Probably nothing would have happened if this thing had never been discovered.

On the other hand, getting rid of it may insure — provided that I’m not subjected to radiation therapy, which over time will elicit some unpleasant and possibly life-shortening side effects — that I’ll have a shot at a ripe old age.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

P1030120

 

Cheap, USABLE cell phone scored!!!

Hot dang! FINALLY I seem to have found a cell I can a) afford and b) operate without needing a master’s degree in engineering and special equipment to dial a phone number.

Saturday I dropped by a nearby Radio Shack to pick up batteries for a couple of walk-around extensions to the land-line. The phone that resides in a cabinet shelf near the floor, where I can reach it should I break a hip the next time I fall on the tile, had about gone dry, and the kitchen phone had keeled over dead.

Radio Shack, as you’ve probably heard, is a moribund corporation, another of the best features of twentieth-century American commerce about to go away. Only one other customer was in the store, and the sole sales clerk was waiting on him. That was fine: it gave me a chance to browse all the strange and silly objects Radio Shack sells. Some of this stuff is great fun, and I’ve found they often undersell the competition on the same brands of Chinese import electronics. Ah…the doorbell thingie that rings when someone opens the door, thereby letting you know when your customer enters or your kid exits! Oh…the 37 berjillion little jackets you can put on your cell phone. Eeeeh…the array of colorful funny-looking Bluetooth speakers… And on and on.

Naturally, I perused the vast array of cell phones they offer, all the while thinking, “But I don’t want to carry a tiny computer around with me! All I want to do is be able to call the roadside service if my car craps out on the freeway.”

Eventually the other guy left and I purchased the batteries. In passing, I asked the sales dude, “Do they make a cell phone that all it does is make phone calls? I don’t need anything more than that.”

The kid recognized a doddering old bat when he saw her. “You want a phone for emergencies only, right?”

“Yeah. That tank out there is almost 15 years old, and sooner or later it’s going to fall apart like the minister’s one-hoss shay.”

“Have we got a phone for you!”

Radio Shack carries TracFone gadgets, and lo! They had a totally dumbed-down flip phone for LESS THAN TWENTY BUCKS! It has real buttons — not stupid virtual buttons that won’t respond to your fingertip and that you have to punch with a stylus, if you can see the damn things, if you can figure out how to get them to come up. And the real buttons are large enough to fit your fingers and for your eyes to make out the numbers on the damn things.

Its main function is to make phone calls. But it also will send texts — convenient, since my son thinks it’s rude to telephone people and, unless the call is made by ER personnel on the hospital’s phone system, will generally respond only to texts. And it even has a little camera on it. Apparently it will download and play music, too, which it will kindly play through Bluetooth speakers.

For another $20, you get 120 minutes or 3 months’ worth of air time, whichever comes first. That, compared to the $35/month I was paying T-Mobile for nothing, is quite the little bargain.

I was tempted to ogle another cheap phone that had more features (momentarily forgetting, in my enchantment, that I can’t figure out how to operate those features…). Amazingly, the guy did not try to upsell me! To the contrary, he insisted that since an emergency phone was what I wanted, the cheaper model and plan were what was needed.

So. Now if the Dog Chariot craps out, I can call the roadside rescue service from the side of the road. 🙂

Farming Out the Chores: Opportunity Cost Recovered!

I’m in love with Luz, the marvelous new housecleaner! To begin with, she cleans one heck of a lot better than I do. And to end with, this lady is making it possible for me to spend my time earning instead of scrubbing!

Today opened with a list of 26 to-do’s, extreme even for moi. None of them had to do with cleaning house.

Luz appeared on the scene shortly after I left to teach the high-intensity Eng. 102 section. She worked for about six or eight hours, doing a job that would take me about four hours to accomplish…but doing it about twice as well as I would have done it. Had I decided to do the housecleaning myself today, it would have left time and energy for me to accomplish exactly two of those 26 to-do’s: teach the class and drop by the credit union on the way home.

But…while she was here shoveling out the Funny Farm, I managed to get through all of these:

  1. Download examples of citation and documentation from old editorial documents, to use as demo material for students
  2. Compare diet/cookbook’s table of contents with 150 typeset pages, figure out what on earth the e-book designer is complaining about, and fix it (this, it developed, was a BIG job)
  3. Enter website wrangler’s invoice in Quickbooks
  4. Meet and teach class (with commute time  & item 5, occupied 4 hours)
  5. Drive to credit union; deposit $1150 worth of checks to The Copyeditor’s Desk
  6. Find the lost membership card to the Desert Botanical Garden
  7. Reconnect repaired brand-new pool cleaner (it picked up a rock!); test; run
  8. Read two sets of student papers (another fairly large job)
  9. Walk dogs one mile (actually, did that in the early hours, before anything else came down)
  10. Do physical therapy exercises (ditto)
  11. Cook five pounds of dog meat; store for future processing
  12. E-mail associate editor to coordinate workload while she’s in China
  13. Intercept request for work from dubious client
  14. E-mail associate editor to see if she wants to do work for dubious client
  15. Send proposal to dubious client

Okay. Those last three were not on the To-Do list as of 5:30 a.m. They did surface in the afternoon. But otherwise…not bad, I’d say: 13 out of 26 items. Tomorrow no student papers are coming in, so I may get through the remaining 14 (plus a few regular Wednesday events) tomorrow. If I’d taken it into my feeble little mind to clean the house this afternoon, about all I would’ve done would have been to meet the class and deliver the checks, since cleaning would have occupied the rest of the day and left me too pooped to pop.

 In other words, the opportunity cost represented by four hours of housecleaning was recovered by hiring Luse to do the unproductive scutwork. During all the time she was heaving, hauling, scrubbing, and scouring, I was doing things that either do make money or probably will make money.

A-a-a-n-d…the sheets are clean, the dust in which one could write one’s name is gone from the furniture, the stove is clean, the kitchen counters are gleaming, the bathroom glows in the dark, the floors no longer feel gritty underfoot, the throw rugs have been hauled outside and beaten, the deck and the back patio have been swept, dusted, and cleaned, the Arcadia doors are so clean they look like they’re hanging open… So, so worth it!

Life-Careifying My Home

A couple I know recently moved into a venerable life-care community here in Phoenix. They’re not that much older than I am… She has Alzheimer’s in her family and is beginning to show the earliest signs, and he is about ten years older than she. Their two-story house was getting hard for them to negotiate, so they figured now is the time. Another elderly couple — my current role models, come to think of it — are resisting being warehoused in a kennel for old folks, and getting by in their home pretty well, so far.

Within weeks after my mother died and was reduced to an urnful of ashes, my father moved himself out of their house in Sun City and into a Baptist-run old-folkerie called Orangewood. It was one of the early life-care “communities.” (Don’t you hate when the word “c0mmunity” is used to describe some development?) The idea with life-care is that you will move into an apartment in the joint, where, in exchange for a staggering amount of money, you will receive a variety of amenities, and, when the time comes, you will be guaranteed access to a halfway decent nursing home.

This expensive and, in my view, depressing arrangement turned out to be the biggest favor my father ever did for me. It relieved me of the responsibility of having to care for him as he declined into old age and death. He was only 69 when he moved himself in there, but he lived to be 84, and at the age of 80, he had a heart attack that reduced him to a cardiac invalid. Had he still been living in Sun City, I would either have had to get him into a nursing home at that point or would have had to move him in with me. Either scenario would have been a screaming nightmare.

So, occasionally I think I should do the same favor for my son.

But you know…I don’t want to live in one of those places.

For a dark little three-room apartment with an “efficiency” kitchen of the sort you see in motels (a hot-plate-like two-burner stovetop, a small sink, and an under-the-counter fridge), my father and his third wife forked over a $50,000 nonrefundable “endowment” and a monthly payment that was as much as my then-husband and I were paying for a 3,000-square-foot house on a third of an acre of the choicest real estate in North Central Phoenix, with a pool, five bedrooms, a huge country kitchen with breakfast nook, a vast family room, three bathrooms, fireplace, and pool. When I realized what he was paying for the little dump he and Helen were living in, I was just floored.

Now, they did get some amenities:

Access to the institution’s nursing home and, if a lesser level of care was needed, to a studio apartment adjacent to the nursing facility. This was roughly equivalent to long-term care insurance, for which I now pay $107 a month, a figure that can be expected to rise steadily from now into perpetuity.

A dining hall where they were required to take one meal a day and could also choose to take breakfast or a light supper.

The option to have these meals delivered to their apartment. This cost extra.

Semi-weekly light housekeeping.

Electric bills (including air conditioning) were covered. Of course, this meant the institute would decide when the AC would be turned on in the spring…

Access to an on-call doctor. Nevvermind that the guy was a dangerous, irresponsible quack who was enriching himself by defrauding Medicare. (Yes: my father caught him charging Medicare for visits after he (father) had told him and the institute that the guy was to stay away from him. Like all the other old folks there, he was afraid to report this abuse — getting into bad odor with the management would be counterproductive.)

Access to a hobby room. Whoop comma de-doo.

Access to a swimming pool that no one ever used.

Access to a beauty parlor/hair salon/barber shop that dispensed dumpy-looking haircuts.

“Free” shuttle-bus rides to doctors and a grocery store. Nevvermind that this meant once you were done seeing the doctor or dentist, you could sit in the waiting room for several hours until someone came to pick you up — it did defray some of the costs of transportation after one reached the point where one could no longer drive.

  Oh, and also please nevvermind that every time some kitchen worker came to work sick or failed to wash her hands after using the bathroom, a wave of dysentery would sweep through the entire population.

{sigh} Every time I think about the possibility of signing myself into one of those places, I recall not only the amenities but also the limits to the amenities. And I think how much I absolutely positively do NOT want to be warehoused into a kennel for old folks.

So, here’s the question:

Is it possible to stay in one’s paid-off home through one’s dotage by cloning those amenities, for no more than it cost my father to live in Orangewood?

Today, those inflation-adjusted fees are much higher. One newer outfit here in town charges an entry fee of $310,00 to $1.1 million, with monthly fees that range from $2,400 to $4,100 — for one person. The place where my father and his wife lived has been torn down and completely rebuilt, so it now commands an entry fee ranging from $279,900 to $389,900, with monthly fees from $3,040 to $8,130. Entry fees, however, now tend to be at least partly refundable, an improvement over the pay-it-and-lose-it arrangements of the early days.

Well, think about it: $2,400 to $4,100 for base living expenses for one person strikes me as passing exorbitant, especially considering that person likely will find herself in a cramped one-bedroom apartment, with walls through which she can listen to the hard-of-hearing neighbor’s TV blaring.

My base nondiscretionary budget is $620/month. That includes all utilities, phone, DSL, yard care, and long-term care insurance. Add another $167/month for property tax and another $79 for homeowner’s insurance, and about $52 for car insurance, and you get a total nondiscretionary cost of $918 a month. As a practical matter, these expenses come in lower during the fall, winter, and spring, because the budget is based on summer costs, when power and water bills are at their highest.

Everything else, I class as “discretionary.” This category includes clothing, gasoline, food, entertainment, dog care, hair care, personal care and cleaning products, house and pool maintenance, and whatnot. The discretionary budget presently is $1100/month, although sometimes I overspend. Ruby’s endless veterinary bills caused a $300 overrun this month, resulting in $1,400 in discretionary spending for the current budget cycle. So let’s figure that’s a typical range for discretionary spending: $1,100 to $1,400.

What that means is that for everything — all my routine costs, which include nursing home insurance — I’m spending $2,018 to $2,318. That is less than the lowest rate for a mid-range life-care community. And what do I get for the price?

A private pool that I can use any time of the day or night I please, that I can skinny-dip in; and I know who has been in it and what they’ve been doing in it.
A large, low-maintenance yard with fruit trees, climbing roses, and three private garden “outdoor rooms.”
The privilege of keeping pets.
A garage (not an open carport) in which to park my car.
No one on the other side of any of my walls.
Central location.
Brand-new light-rail going in within walking distance.
A large, bright kitchen with a gas stove.
My own propane grill.
More living space than Carter has oats.

Sooo… What do I not get that, say, my father had at his old-folkerie, and what would be entailed in acquiring those amenities?

Access to a nursing home.

The long-term care insurance I have plus Social Security and a 4% drawdown from savings should amply cover foreseeable nursing home costs. As for getting me into it? That’ll be my son’s problem, I suppose. As a practical matter, not all elderly Americans ever need nursing home, and often such care can be delivered in one’s own home (my insurance covers in-home nursing care). At age 60, your lifetime chance of needing nursing care is only 50%. If you have a policy with a 90-day elimination period, a typical 60-year-old’s chance of using that policy drops to 35% — meaning you have a 65% chance of dying or recovering within 90 days of admission.

A dining hall providing two meals a day.

It’s impossible to describe how dreadful those meals were! Since eating and drinking are the two major pleasures of my life, I would be suicidal if I had to live in a place that served up swill like that, especially given that about twice a year the stuff made everybody in the institution good and sick.

Option to have meals delivered, for an extra fee.

What part of Chinese order-out is hard to understand?

Okay, that’s flippant. But as a practical matter, many excellent meals can be delivered, for a reasonable price. On the low end, there’s a social service agency called Meals on Wheels, which provides healthy food for seniors in need. For those of us who can afford to buy groceries, grocery stores deliver these days! And most grocery stores stock various kinds of prepared meals, either in the frozen-food cases or at the deli. Here in Phoenix, both AJ’s Fine Foods and Whole Foods sell complete, fully cooked gourmet meals, and both stores deliver. 

Would having groceries and take-out meals delivered raise your food bills? Sure. But I’ll bet it wouldn’t add another $2000 a month to my existing bills. And the cost would be offset by lower gasoline bills.

Light housekeeping

The going rate for a cleaning lady here is $80/visit. So two house-cleanings a month, which is what my father got, would set you back all of $160. Like food prep, this obviously costs more than DIY cleaning, but it’s not prohibitive…and it would not increase costs much more than I’m spending.

Electric bills covered

For $4,000 a month? Seriously? Utility bills in these places are not free; they’re included in a staggering monthly fee.

Access to an on-call doctor.

I have access to an on-call doctor. Young Dr. Kildare’s office is within walking distance of my house. And he is not an incompetent, dishonest quack who hands out sedating, brain-dazing, addictive pills like candy. If I need help on a weekend, I call his office and get the doctor who is on call.

Access to a hobby room.

Be still, my heart! I have two spare rooms, one of which is now dedicated to my jewelry-making hobby. My office (which would not exist if I lived in an old-folkerie, because of course the presumption would be made that I do not need office space) is fully equipped, spacious, and dedicated fully to my writing and editing business. And I don’t have to share it with anyone.

Access to a swimming pool that no one ever used.

I use my pool several times a day during the summer. Cost is nominal, and the light jobs of cleaning and maintaining it amount to mild, healthy exercise. If and when I reach the point where I need someone to clean and dose it with chemicals, regular pool service runs about $100/month and includes the chemicals.

Access to a beauty parlor/hair salon/barber shop that dispensed dumpy-looking haircuts.

Granted, I can spend a startling amount on Shane: $70 for a haircut. However, my hair looks incredible, and as it gets longer, it has to be done less and less often. At this point I’m visiting him about once every six months. Here, too, this seeming “benefit” is not free to old-folkerie residents. You pay for it with your amazing monthly fee, and if you don’t care for dumpy-looking haircuts and drugstore coloring kits, you end up having to track down and pay the likes of Shane anyway.

“Free” shuttle-bus rides to doctors and a grocery store.

What cost a free ride? Is it really worth spending three, four, even five hours sitting in some doctor’s waiting room, just to save a few bucks? Another circumstance, I’d say, that would lead me to consider suicide.

With grocers, drugstores, and Amazon delivering for little or no cost, I think I could afford a taxicab for the few trips I’d need to take around town. The amount saved on car registration, auto insurance, gasoline, depreciation, maintenance, and repairs would probably cover most of the cab fare.

It looks very much to me as if I can turn my own home into a life-care facility, if need be, with surprisingly little effort and, compared to an expensive institution, not all that much more cost than I’m already paying to live in my home.

Let’s consider what those extra costs would be:

Lifecareifying the house
Item Cost Times/month Total
Light housecleaning 80 2 160
Extra yard care 75 2 150
Groceries, Whole Foods 6 4 24
Groceries, AJs 6 4 24
Groceries, Safeway 12.95 1 12.95
Pool care 100 weekly 100
Lightrail rides 32 monthly pass 32
Cab fare (senior citizen) $12/$40 ride 2 80
Less monthly gasoline $80+/month 2 refills/mo. -80
Total added cost: 502.95

So, the additional cost, above and beyond what it costs to live now, to approximate the added benefits of living in an old-folkerie, comes to about $503. Innaresting.

Let’s see how that translates when added to the existing cost of living here at the Funny Farm.

Discretionary 1100
Nondiscretionary 620
Added old-age costs 503
50% Murphy’s Law 251.5
Total old-age cost 2,474.50  / month
Total annual old-age cost 29,694
Percent of savings: 4.60%

This assumes a 50% “Murphy’s Law Tax” on the projected old-age costs. And it produces a figure to cover ALL costs, including whatever indulgences one pleases, that is comparable to the BASE costs on the low end. Total annual drawdown to cover this amount would in theory be 4.6%, but in fact it would be significantly less, because Social Security would cover more than half of it.

Suppose, though, that Murphy’s Law applied to the TOTAL projected costs of living after one can no longer drive. Then what?

Discretionary 1100
Nondiscretionary 620
Added old-age costs 503
Plus 50%, Murphy’s Law 1112
Total old-age cost 3,335  / month
Total annual old-age cost 40,020
Percent of savings: 6.20%

In this scenario, we end up with a cost comparable to the mid-range cost of living in a life-care community, totaling about 6.2% of total savings. But here, too, some $14,400 of the cost is covered by Social Security, meaning the drawdown from retirement savings would be significantly less than that: just under 4% per annum.

So, even in the worst-case scenario, aging in place ends up costing the same as or less than residing in a life-care community. And for the price, I get a house — not an apartment in a people warren — plus the cuisine of my choice, the doctor of my choice,  privacy, and independence.