Coffee heat rising

She killed herself. Why, why, WHY the Hell????

I fail to understand how she could have done anything so stupid. 

It was as though she deliberately incubated the cancer growing in her gut so as to inflict as much suffering as possible not only on herself but on those around her.

She knew.

She knew because she had been through the same horror with her own mother.

She had watched her wild-assed mother fuck her way into a terminal reproductive cancer. And, half a lifetime later, she drank her way and smoked her way into the same damned thing, calculated so as to cause as much suffering as possible for her husband and for her only child. And for herself, while she was at it.

Because she clearly knew what she was doing. I would suggest that what she did was not stupid. It was calculated. She knew she was gonna kill herself. She knew it would cause as much pain and suffering as possible to those around her. And that was her strategy.

So…well…I have to say that what she did was not stupid. It was malign, maybe. Because it was deliberate. Purposeful: she knew.

My poor father! He attended her through just about every moment of her hideous terminal illness, caring for her, feeding her, washing her, medicating her, dragging her to (useless!) doctors…God help him.

No question in my mind: she knew what she was doing.

We had known since the late 1950s that smoking causes cancer. She died while I was pregnant with my son: in the middle 1970s. A good 20 years after the cause and effect were identified. The more she heard of the science, the more she puffed away. I do think she truly believed those reports were Big Brother trying to control her life.

Why, why, why are people so stupid???? 

Oh well. Can’t fix stupid, can you? And you sure can’t undo its results.

The horror of it, though, is pretty straightforward: one’s sense is that what she did was not stupid. It was deliberate. 

She knew what she was doing would kill her, and she engineered the process to create as much suffering and as much stress as could possibly be inflicted on herself and on those around her.

Just. Plain. Evil. 

Understatement of the Century

Well, it isn’t at all funny (about money or about anything else), but truth to tell, the first thought that entered my mind after this morning’s dawn flood of undisciplined thoughts was “My father’s marrying That Witch after my mother died must have been an unholy disappointment for him.”

Second thought: “Disappointment? What are you smoking?? It was a horror show. A horror show of the wildest, most terrifying character.”

The poor man. 

He didn’t understand: He could not replace my mother after she smoked herself to death.

A woman is not just a woman
A wife is not just a wife.
The love of your life is not a replicable quantity.

But forgodsake, a harridan surely is a harridan.

Marrying that horrid creature after my mother died and he moved himself to the old-folkerie did one thing for him: it brought him several years of utter misery.

Lonely as he might have been without his wife — his real wife, shall we say — he would have been a hundred times better off without the harridan from Hell who pounced him the minute he walked into the senior citizens’ community where he moved after my mother passed.

Some things are worse than the worst thing you can imagine….

My Father’s Little Orphan Annie

In effect, my mother was my father’s Little Orphan Annie: an abandoned child with no resources and no future.

A large part of my mother’s life, certainly during her upbringing, was fukkin’ gawdawful. My father came along and rescued her from fukkin’ gawdawful.

His answer to fukkin’ gawdawful was marriage and an escape overseas, to a drudging life in Saudi Arabia’s American oil port, Ras Tanura.

After ten years in that hellish place, they decamped to the San Francisco Bay Area, where my father, an oil tanker captain and navigator, shipped out of the East Bay and my mother and I occupied a series of (quite nice!) apartments in the City and then in Long Beach, in Southern California. Eventually he retired and they decamped again, this time to Arizona.

They sent me to college here. My father worked until he could finally see his way clear to retiring, and the two of them figured to spend the rest of their lives in Sun City, an exceptionally bland retirement community on the west side of Phoenix.

That lasted a couple of years, until a major recession struck and my father had to go back to sea.

Horrible! I can’t even imagine how depressing that must have been — for both of them, but certainly for him. Poor man!

Another few years passed and he contrived to quit the hated job, once and for all. By then I was about through college; moving on to a job in a law firm, and very happy to no longer be living in dreary Sun City.

I went on to marry one of the lawyers (that’s what young women were supposed to do, right? Land someone to support them for the rest of their lives…)

Meanwhile, my mother sat crocheting in front of the TV set and smoked. And smoked. And smoked. And smoked. And eventually succeeded in bringing on a cancer that, predictably enough, killed her.

***

Honest to gawd!  Both of them — my father and my mother — were right-wing crazies, the sort who thought anything they disagreed with that appeared in the news was just bat-brained propaganda from Big Brother.

Yes, that really WAS what they thought.

Unfortunately, Big Brother had the story right this time. And so, not surprisingly, this time my mother puffed herself into the grave.

Okay: so he’s stuck out in the middle of nowhere, on the west side of the Valley. She’s done; he’s bereft.

Now he sells the Sun City house and buys into an old-folkerie, a place called Orangewood. Having lived in institutional settings all his adult life, he thought it was just grand. My mother had refused to go there, and so he’d had to wait until she died to get rid of the shack and install himself in the landlocked version of a ship.

Ugh! I’d have died if I’d had to live there. He liked it, though. I guess to him it must have felt like home. Because, after all, he had lived on ships — institutions — since he was 17 years old.

And I do wonder: did he like it? Was it life on the Bounding Main reincarnated? Or was it what he had envisioned as the ideal retirement?

The latter is my guess — never having been able to read his mind.

He was a handsome man, by any measure. And so the minute he moved into the old-folkerie and walked into the dining hall, a feeding frenzy ensued.

Since he was, as far as I can tell, a staidly loyal married man, it hadn’t yet occurred to him that he was the Catch of a Lifetime…or so it would seem to all the agèd ladies at the old folks’ home.

Within weeks he was snared.

So — again, as far as I can tell — he must have felt he’d hit the jackpot. Not only a dwelling in a hotel-like affair designed to cater to the elderly where someone else would buy the groceries, cook the meals, clean  the apartment, and take out the trash, but now a New Woman! 

He seems not to have thought through that bounty very thoroughly: within a few weeks he had proposed to said New Woman.

Mistake. As you can imagine:

* He was accustomed to living with my mother, who after some 30 years together knew him well and knew how to make him happy.

* He did not recognize the Wicked Witch of the West for what she was. Yes: a wicked witch.

Oh, my. You wanna talk horror show? Lemme tellya horror show! 

At one point I urged him to divorce the bit¢h. But he was having none o’ that: “She’ll get all my MONEY,” wailed he.

I was neither wise enough nor brave enough to say, in reply, “Daddy: some things are more important than money.” Wouldn’t have mattered: he would have ignored that bit of advice.

So he spent the rest of his life in misery, until he had a stroke that carried him away.

What a way to wrap up your life, eh?

So…What would you have done if…?

LOL! Ever look back on earlier years and contemplate what life would have been like if you had done instead of x? 

😀

Undoubtedly an exercise in futility…because o’course you did NOT do y. Probably  for the best, come to think of it. But it’s entertaining….

What if I’d moved to Sun City when SDXB went out there?

What if I‘d insisted on going to UC Berkeley, instead of letting myself be lured into enrolling at the University of Arizona in exchange for the privilege of skipping my senior year in high school?

What if my father hadn’t taken a job out of Southern California and moved me and my mother away from San Francisco?

What if my father hadn’t discovered that Sun City’s cost of living was so cheap, he could quit his job and move us to Arizona…thereby dooming me to the UofA instead of Cal Berkeley?

What if I’d never seen SDXB, back in my freelance writing days?

hmmmmm…..What if, indeed?

a) What if I’d moved to Sun City when SDXB went out there?

Probably I wouldn’t be living there now. I loathe Sun City: the bigotry, the whitey-whiteness, the racket from the airbase, the dreadful excuses for grocery stores, the…on and effin’ on…

b) What if my father hadn’t take a job out of Southern California and moved me and my mother away from San Francisco?

I almost certainly would have gone to UC Berkeley, the university I craved to attend from the moment I learned there was such a thing as a university.

In that case, if I’d gone on to the Ph.D., I would have ended up, very likely, with a decent academic job. Probably would have married another academic. And just now might still be living in California.

Or waypoints.

c) What if my father hadn’t discovered that Sun City’s cost of living was so cheap, he could quit his job and move us to Arizona…thereby dooming me to the UofA instead of Cal Berkeley?

Well….  Assuming I finished the Ph.D. at Berkeley (not here in unlovely Arizona), I would have had a much more negotiable degree. By now I probably would have retired from a reasonably high-paying academic job. And very likely would not be living in Arizona.

d) What if I’d never seen SDXB, back in my freelance writing days?

Who knows, o’course. I probably would still be married to the corporate lawyer, though. Chances are I’d still have had an academic job — probably tenure-track, or at least a higher-paying trudge through a Maricopa County community college.

LOL! How silly!

Seriously: “what if” has gotta be one of the most futile lines of thought ever invented by the human mind. Because nobody can second-guess — or even first-guess — what would have happened if circumstances had been just slightly different than they turned out to be.

Life…just is. 

December in Phoenix…oh my!

Yea, verily! What a place this is come a fine December afternoon!

* Balmy, but not chilly.
* Warm, but not hot.
* Pleasantly active, but not especially busy.
* Goosed by busses roaring by on Main Drag West.
* Graced by kids frolicking in their yards or on the playgrounds.
* Blessed by shop owners and sales staff who are invariably friendly and none too pushy.
* Pretty much free of bums.
* Multicultural with a flair.

Sun City, it ain’t: thank Gawd! 

Seriously: its a beautiful, gracious, multicultural neighborhood on the low end of upscale. A handsome, reasonably safe, fun place to walk from pillar to post.

Walking from pillar (etc.) because my son has stolen my car and locked it up in his garage. And y’know what? I don’t give a damn! 

Turns out I don’t need the car!!! 

No kidding. No exaggeration. Whatever I need is within easy walking distance. Anything further than that can be reached by an inexpensive cab ride…but…but… Ya know what?  So far I haven’t had to call a cab.

Oh, wait: except that one time: to get to the dentist.

But I don’t go to WonderDentist every day or even every day-and-a-half. So…I figure the next time I need to visit him, either I will have figured out that one visit every three or four months costs one helluvalot less than three or four months’ worth of insurance, gasoline, mechanics’ visits and whatnot, or I will have taken up with a dentist who practices here in the ‘Hood.

😀

Today’s stroll-a-thon really has deep-sixed the idea that maybe I should move to Sun City (or Fountain Hills, or deeper into North Central) by way of staying independent in my house, all  by my eccentric li’l self. Incredibly, I can do completely without owning a car here! Wherever I need to go, the hired help can haul me. And…y’know…about 90 percent of the places that I need to go are places that I don’t need to go. Not any distance, anyway.

Seriously: I’m finding that by far most of the things I need to see or buy or do are available right here in the ‘Hood. Within easy walking distance. Yes: a few destinations, an occasional errand would require a taxi ride. But surprisingly few!

****

So what to do about the stolen car? Other than assassination, that is. 😉

Well…hang onto your hat:

One idea that has crossed my mind — and one that sounds better every time it intrudes in that precinct — is to suggest that we sell it. 

I could buy an awful lot of bus rides with the income from a $20,000 car.

Another is simply to give it to M’hijito as a gift. 

{cackle!} Let him keep it up and gas it up and pay the damn taxes on it!! 😀

Oh. That’s not nice, is it???

Well, if he wants it, just (heh!) give it to him. 😉

***

Seriously: as the days drift by, I grow more and more convinced that I really don’t need a car here. Between the Uber drivers and the buses and the trains and my son schlepping around…about 90% of the rides I would produce for myself are, indeed, redundant.

All that is needed to make that a fact is to get into the habit of thinking ahead. Just a few hours, really. Or a few minutes.

Americans spend absurd amounts of money on rolling tanks with which to fill up the garage. We’uns need to stop doing that!

And so…A challenge:

Try it, some one of these days. 

  • Seriously: Park  your car, walk away from it, and leave it there for a full week. And see what happens.
  • Figure that during said week, you spend exactly $0.00 on driving, fueling, parking, and upkeep.
  • How much would you have spent on the car and its fuel and its upkeep, were you driving it around?
  • How much would you have had to pay to park it at your office or wherever you leave it during the day?
  • How much extra exercise did you get, walking from the new parking spot to your office?
  • How long did it take you to figure out how much you really didn’t need to spend on groceries that week?

How much did you save on dinners out that you avoided by eating at home?

And on and freakin’ ON….

Interesting proposition, isn’t it?

Day’s End

WOW!  What an incredibly beautiful evening!!

The sun has dropped below the horizon, leaving a lush, quiet circle of pinks and pale blues and violets surrounding the’Hood. Sooooo pretty.

Kids are still playing outside: what could be better? Cruised up the street past the neighbors’ yards, where fine young people have taken over the landscape.

Yes: I do love this neighborhood! And do love our handsome neighbors and their beautiful children. 😀

Visited with Mrs. Wonder-Accountant. She’s a bit worried about Mr. Wonder-Accountant, who seems to be under the weather. Unclear, so far, whether “sick” is the word to apply, or whether it’s Male Mal-odrama that will go away after some rest and a few nice, solid meals. And a wife hovering about loving him up.

I do hope he feels 100% well in due course. Getting sick is not what you’d call much fun, eh?

We’re all gettin’ old, speaking of day’s end. In the Department of Hoping, I do hope I croak over before my life’s day cranks very far into the night. But in that line, few of us get what we hope for.

My family has indeed been haunted by some serious longevity, especially on my mother’s side.

Her mother died young, apparently because of her…ahem…shall we say high living practices. But relatives who did not fling their lives to the four winds typically survived into their 90s. Hmmm…let’s count them up…

1 great grandmother
1 great aunt
1 exceptionally brilliant uncle
1 father (died in 1992; feels like yesterday)

My mother smoked herself to death. Her mother fucked her self to death. But…well…the others lived on and on and ON. If an ordinary, relatively boring lifestyle helps keep you on this side of Hades, there’s a good chance I’ll stagger on for another ten to fifteen years.

Jayzuz, though!  If what passes for my arithmetic is correct (big IF), I’m in my 80th year.

Since I don’t smoke and I don’t strip off my underpants for every jerk who comes along, we probably can guess that I’ll stagger along for another 10 years. At least.

But since we can’t guarantee that, let us speak briefly to The Deity:

Thank You, your Godship, for this incredibly beautiful evening! If this is my last night like it, then I soak it in and love it and appreciate You for it. If this is one of many more to come…well, Sire…then what can I say? A thousand blessings upon Your amazing creation! 

Yea verily: Creation. It is divine.