Coffee heat rising

Life in the Desert

Never a Dull Moment

by

Ohhhhhh lordie! IS there some reason why there’s never a dull moment around the Funny Farm?

5:00 a.m.: Roll out of the sack. Stumble around. Throw on some clothes, feed the dog preparatory to going out the door by 5:30 for the morning Doggy Walk, which at this time of year needs to be accomplished before the sun comes up.

5:05 a.m.: ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF GROWL ARF ARF SNARGLE GROWL ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF…

ahhhh shee-ut! NOW what?

Stumble out to the kitchen, where Ruby is banging against the back door.

Gerardo’s crew: they’re here to trim the damnable palm trees.

I forgot.

Now we’re stuck here while those guys wrestle with the Job from Hell, in the meantime trashing the swimming pool by tossing filthy palm fronds into the water.

Whenever they leave, I’ll have to call Pool Dude to get him over to clean up that mess. Do I even have his phone number? If so, where is it??????

Oh shitoshitoshitoshit this was NOT how I wanted to start the day!

As long as the back gate is open, collect and haul the garbage out to the alley. Another fine way I would hope not to start a day.

Someone has dragged the communal garbage can wayyyyy down the alley, so hauling this stuff is an annoying hike. I’ll have to ask these guys to haul that trash can back up where it belongs. That’ll be a trick, since they don’t speak English.

Better, probably, to wait till after the trash pickup and drag it back myself.

Trash pickup…ohhhhh sheee-UT if the city employees see my guys dumping stuff in the alley, I’ll get a citation!

Ohhhh well. At least our boys waited until after the July 4 festivities were over. Around here, morons set off fireworks right and left, often catching fire to houses and plantings. My house is surrounded with lots of flammables, so…this is my LEAST favorite holiday.

***

HOLEE mackerel, you’ve never seen a man WORK until you’ve watched a campesino working. What are those men made of?

And they don’t even seem especially fazed…not at a job that would kill me — very likely in a literal sense — if I tried to do it.

Soon as the gents are done, I’ll have to call Pool Dude to come help clean up the mess. Won’t he be pleased?

Mr. and Mrs. Wonderaccount, who live across the street, had their accursed palm trees removed. As I recall, they hired Gerardo’s guys to do that job. Whenever he comes around, I’ll have to ask him how much he’d charge to take the things out.

Hate to kill them…but GAWD they are a nuisance! Especially anywhere near a pool. They don’t cast any shade. They don’t do anything except drop seeds, dried blossoms, and dead fronds…and attract lightning bolts.

Just what everyone needs in their backyard, eh?

Whenever Gerardo comes around, I’ll have to ask him how much he’d charge to take the damn things out. Then have Financial Dude break loose some money for the purpose. I guess.

Meanwhile…too much coffee on an empty stomach. Gotta get some food!

Hotter than a Two-Dollar Cookstove!

by

That was my father’s saying. Never heard it from anyone else…some sort of Southernism, I reckon.

It’s only 108 out there, but for some inscrutable reason, it seems hotter than that. I’d have guessed 112, if I hadn’t seen the back-porch thermometer. Wunderground, my fave weather site, claims it’s just 107. And truly NOT humid. Why it feels so damn hot, I dunno…but boyoboy, it sure does!

Wunderground does remark that June was the hottest month on record, but that generalizes around the northern hemisphere, not specifically here in Lovely Uptown Phoenix.

And I’m sorry but I DON’T consider 107 to be extremely hot.

This is amusing, speaking of Wunderground. Alas, they don’t publish a typescript of this squib, so you have to sit through a not-very-entertaining talkathon…but at least you can get an idea of what’s going on.

****

Hmmmm…. Apparently we have an explanation for the weirdness of the hotness: we humans who exist in the sunlit side of the planet just lived through the Earth’s hottest day on record.

Be scared. Be very scared.

 

 

All Fools’ Eve: July 4

by

Not even dark yet, and the morons around the ‘Hood are setting off their bang-bangs. This will go on into the night, probably till about 1 a.m. What fine patriotic fun, hm?

My alley wall is festooned with cat’s-claw vines, wonderful fodder for fireworks-inspired spectacles. So, no matter how tired I happen to feel (and lemme tellya: this damn covid bug really wrings you out!!), I have to stay awake and keep an eye on the shrubbery, so as to call the fire dept if a fire gets started out there.

Not a big order, though: even if by some miracle the human could sleep through this evening’s series of explosions, Ruby is terrorized by the racket. Even safely ensconced on the bed, she cowers and cringes and flinches with each crashing BAM! So in addition to keeping alert to the flammable shrubbery, the human has to try to quiet and soothe a terrified little dog.

Some holiday!

You think I exaggerate? Every year someone loses their house to fireworks here. Never fails.

My son is too depressed to get together this evening. That notwithstanding, I do hope some of his friends managed to lure him out. But do not know and will not know until tomorrow.

wait wait…i take that back! He just emailed from his house. Probably just as well…one doesn’t want to be too far from the flammable homestead with all the amateur fireworks shenanigans going on.

***

Blew away part of the afternoon ogling real estate ads. Looking at houses over on the east side of Central Avenue, which would be out of the purview of Tony’s social service empire.

Whaddaya think of this shack?

I believe this is in the general neighborhood of where SDXB and his former wife Donna lived. The other day I happened to drive through that area and realized it’s pretty nice. Well kept, green, pleasantly middle-class.

LOOK at the price!!!!!  {gasp}

And yet…. and yet, I could probably get something similar for my house. The house on State would no doubt go for more, but not enough so to bankrupt me.

It has no pool — which some might say is a good thing. It also has no backyard. They apparently have enlarged the house to such an extent that it occupies most of the lot. Is that even legal???

Still…it’s only 1621 square feet. And mine is 1628. So it’s the same size as my shack.

And there’s NOOOO Romanian Landlord within a hundred yards of the damn place!

On the other side of the canal, east of State and north of Orangewood, there’s this…

It’s only (“only”!!!!) $580,000. Can’t say I’m real impressed with it, but since I can probably get around 500 grand for my house, it would be a little more do-able. Has a pool, for what that’s worth…more like a puddle, actually. Living room effectively clones M’jito’s house.

Here’s one on Desert Park, east of 7th Street… A little bit further north. But I don’t think I can afford the price:  Looks like they’re stilll renovating it. Nice little back porch, plenty of room for Ruby to run around, and no pool! Hmmmm….

And here’s one on Nicolet — the very street where XDXB and his former wife used to live.  Look at the price! and it’s TINY: 2 beds, 2 baths!  And get this: a price INCREASE of 75 grand…for THAT?????<

This one is a little less laughable…until you notice that they’re asking something north of 800 grand! 

Geez! Aint real estate bizarre? I should get a license and go to work with my coreligionist…just for the laughs!

Thank Heaven….

by
Highly flammable…

…Dear God, for small favors…

See this amazing fiasco? I could be right in the middle of it, right this minute.

Rio Verde is a moderately upscale housing tract on the far east side, just north of Fountain Hills, another tract adjunct to Scottsdale. Some years ago, while I was enjoying a bug in my bonnet about the crime, the noise, the Tony situation, and all that, I did look at houses in Fountain Hills. In the process, I came across a very nice little house, comparable to the Funny Farm, in Rio Verde. At the time, it was a beautiful place: quiet, clean, tidy.

Not anymore, though: planes flying in and out of Sky Harbor roar right over the place now. They used to fly in over Mesa and Tempe.

That would be passing annoying…mighty glad I didn’t buy.

Even then, they were having water problems out there. For many of the houses, water had to be trucked in. And that is no small task…nor an inexpensive one. I remember thinking at the time…you’ve gotta be kidding! You have a whole subdivision out here that has no reliable water service?  Seriously???

Yep. Evidently so. And that particular vulture is coming home to roost just now. Of late there’s been quite a fine fire crackling away out there: 2500 acres, with 1,145 people evacuated.

Just imagine! Where on earth would you go, with kids and dogs and cats in tow, if they upped and announced you have to leave your home?

Sooooo….one can grouse all one likes about the crime in the slum apartments across Conduit of Blight Blvd or the traffic noise or the laughable light-rail project or Tony the Romanian Landlord’s home for juvenile delinquents…but things could be worse. Lots worse!

Another Every-Inch-Along-the-Way Day…

by

Ever have those days when every inch along the way is an uphill hassle? Whatever you want to do, whatever you need to do: you can’t do it without a struggle….

5:30 a.m.: Take the dog for a walk.

5:45 a.m.: She drags us over to the park, where every other doggy-lover in the ‘Hood has already arrived and is traipsing around, some with their dogs off-leash. This means…

…yank yank
…jerk jerk
…pull pull
…yank yank
…jerk jerk…

Cross the street to manage some distance from the Milling Horde. This means…

…dodge oncoming cars
…climb up on people’s lawns along stretches that have no sidewalk
…dodge oncoming dogs and their humans
…yank yank
…jerk jerk…

Haul around the park; enter Lower Richistan.

…drag drag drag drag
…dodge oncoming dogs and their humans…

Pass the pile of rubble that is all that remains of the house where some drug-addled transient woman (she was seen!!) got into the garage and set fire to the house. The insurance company FINALLY seems to have gotten around to paying up: just now a bulldozer is inside the fenced lot, apparently there to shovel up the debris.

Pass the outrageously out-of-place pile of plywood and plaster that is rising on the site of the little house where the poor, beleaguered couple with the mentally deficient son lived. They lost the house, having no way to make a living or pay the taxes on the shack, and apparently were evicted. Whatever: they’re gone and now their house is, too. A gawdawaful McMansion is being inserted onto the lot, its walls about 6 or 8 feet from the neighbors’.

This last detail is, I would’ve thought, out of code. But apparently the neighbors there, suspecting the same, have gone to the City and tried to thrash that issue out…to no avail. This is Phoenix, after all, where money talks.

Hot.

Humid.

Drag drag drag draggety drag drag. Human grows more out of sorts.

6:30 a.m.: Dog and Human pause to chat with a much-favored neighbor, out front puttering in the yard and garage. Her husband died of covid, picked up when he was in the hospital for unrelated surgery. Now she owns a very nice house here, and another place in Flagstaff. And I’ll tellya…if it were me, Flag is where I’d be. The Valley’s heat is already crushing, and it’s just starting.

She’s staying in the Valley because her son is starting a restaurant, in a strip shopping mall that houses the favored Safeway store. With the right marketing and the right food and the right service, he does have a shot at success.

A long shot. All small businesses in this area are long shots. Most of them are very long shots. At any rate, she’s here to help out with that.

****

hmmmmmm….

Is there any question why, at 10 after noon, I’m so damn tired I need to take a nap?

Augh.

Not to say awaaaaaayyyyy!

Reel Estate….To Move or not to Move

by

Sittin’ around enjoying the effects of covid — which, BTW, are milder than expected just now — and ogling real estate ads.

As I mentioned yesterday, I stumbled upon a real estate ad for my parents’ home out in Sun City. Nicely updated. Very pleasant. Cheap, too: real estate out there is hugely undervalued, when compared with other middle-class tracts in Phoenix. It last sold for $255,000, about a hundred grand less than I could get for the Funny Farm.

Would I want to live there?

Not in THAT house: too much old baggage. But in fact, Sun City has quite a few pleasant, highly livable houses that are perfect for a single person or an aging couple.

So this morning I found myself reconsidering. Maybe I wouldn’t mind living in a ghetto for old folks, not so very much. The houses are designed for couples or singles. When updated, they have everything you’d want and then some. As the West Side has expanded out in that direction, there’s no lack of amenities: Costco stores, grocery shopping, a huge old-fashioned shopping mall full of retail stores, a big hospital, doctors, whatnot upon whatnot.

If I stay put:

a) Here I have to put up with Tony’s depredations, now inflicted by his home for juvenile delinquents across the street.

But…do I care? Truly, why SHOULD I give a damn? The brats are quiet most of the time. Does that institution depress property values? Probably: but again: why do I care unless I’m hot to sell the house and move?

b) The crime flowing along Conduit of Blight Blvd is a problem.

And there’s no answer to that. As we saw just yesterday, the cops-and-robbers highjinks can be quite a problem. It’s an issue that’s certainly not going to go away…and that very likely will get worse.

c) This house is fairly close to my son. He can get here easily and I can get to his place easily. More to the point, we can go out to eat (whenever the plague ends) at the drop of a hat, and many appealing eateries are all around us.

d) This house is sorta kinda within driving distance of the Mayo, the best medical facility in the Valley. If I lived in Sun City, I’d have to charter a helicopter to get out there! And given the experience we had with my mother’s hideous final illness, well…I am NOT impressed with the medical folks in Sun City.

If I move out there:

a) It’s a pretty safe area to live. Crime rates are very low.

Again, though: do I care? Am I not armed to the teeth? Do I not have a dog that goes batsh!t anytime someone comes around?

b) The houses are designed for the convenience and comfort of singletons and couples.

A-n-n-d…why, again, do I care? My present house was built by the same developer who built those tracts, and the layout is very similar to the places out there.

c) Given the endlessly time-consuming and crazy-making drive between North Central Phoenix and Sun City, I’d never see my son. Neither one of us would welcome that traipse.

d) My parents’ experience with the medical offerings out there was beyond horrific. Incompetent, uncaring doctors; fuckup after fuckup; neglect…did I mention “uncaring”?

e) Getting to the Mayo would be impractical. It’s a bitch to drive out there now, and Sun City is twice as far from the Mayo as I am here.  Dealing with doctors is always difficult — more so when you’re elderly and the sight of your gray hair and your wrinkles elicits all sorts of presumptions and prejudices. But at least the Mayo’s doctors are by and large competent….quite the opposite of our experience during my mother’s final illness.

No. I’m pretty sure I don’t wanna live out in Sun City. Mighty sure, come to think of it…

Too bad. It does have some advantages, not least of which are the economically designed house plans. Yet my house works just fine for me — one bedroom too many, it’s true, but BFD. And I do like having a swimming pool. And not having to worry too much about coyotes coming after my pint-sized pup. And having a Sprouts AND an AJ’s AND a Walmart AND a Costco AND three large supermarkets within a couple minutes’ driving distance. And having young couples and their cute li’l kids as neighbors.

Hmmm… Speaking of the sociological conditions…. Yeah!

Here’s a cop helicopter circling right over the street just north of me. And circling. And circling. And circling. And cir….on and on. Now he’s right over the house…

DAYUM! I was just about to go out and fire up the barbecue, thereon to heat up one of the gorgeous lamb shanks I picked up yesterday. And to toss on some frozen taters.

Hmmm… Not about to strap a pistol to my waist. So…wot to do?

We could microwave the dinner.

Ugh. Great way to ruin a beautiful piece of expensive meat. Nor do I care for soggy microwaved potatoes.

Heat them in pans on the stove?

Right. That’ll make a fine mess to clean up.

Pour another glass of wine and watch what happens next?

Hmmmmm…. Okay. Time to decide:

  • Drink myself into a stupor waiting for the cops and the perps to go away?
  • Fire up the grill and risk my life, for the sake of a lamb shank and a fistful of fries?
  • Continue surfing the Web?
  • Toss the dog in the car and drive down to Encanto Park, there to kill an hour or so?
  • Toss the dog in the car and drive over to Petco, there to see if I can score a dog harness proclaiming that Ruby  is a “service dog,” which would let me take her into AJ’s with me?

No kidding. Some guy who’s a regular there has got a dwarf dog no bigger than Ruby, gussied up in a harness proclaiming that it’s a service dog. Nobody does a THING to stop him from taking his dog into the grocery store.

Hmmmm…More from the young folks on the neighborhood Facebook page:

Cheryl:

Citizens App says Circle K was robbed

Bobby:

(Inserts image from cell phone)

Lorraine:

Thanks, Bobby. I didn’t see anything on AZfamily or ABC15. Anyone know?

Liz, Top contributor:

At least 20 police cars at 19th Ave and Florence

***

Welp…either the cops caught him or the perp escaped. Helicopter just flew off into the wild blue yonder.
Makes Sun City look better and better!